Part of the privilege success affords you is that you don’t have to do new or hard things. You are so good at what you do that you can just do your one trick over and over again. You can do the trick of your magical success for the rest of your life.

The problem is that you’re bored of this trick even though it impresses everyone else, which makes me wonder: What could you create if you stopped relying on your one fancy trick?

I know you have a clear sense of the business model you love and the lifestyle it affords you, but what if you were willing to abandon that model and alter that lifestyle even for just a month or a year? What amazing thing could you build for others if you let go of your bread and butter? What amazing quest could you undertake that could change your relationship with yourself to a level so deep you no longer feel unsatisfied or depressed?

I know that you are driven by your ambitions, the books you want to write and the businesses you want to build, but what would happen if you let that ambition take on new forms? What if you used that power to transform who you are and your connection to your heart in a way that unlocked parts of you that you didn’t even know existed?

The world may be impressed by your one trick, but I’m not. The people who see everything you could become still love you, but they know when you’re just doing your one trick.

Stop clinging to this one kind of brilliance. Stop doing the thing that is familiar. Instead, learn a new trick, even if it’s the wrong one. No one loves a one trick pony or even a five trick one. What people love is imperfect messy people becoming something even more gloriously messy and real.

Successful people don’t often feel lonely. They have lives full of friends, co-workers, peers, and vibrant communities. Nevertheless they often feel alone.

They feel alone not because they are depressed or unfulfilled but because they are unseen and unheld in the fullness of who they are.

As you grow, expand, and deepen your relationship with yourself and the world, you become aware of so many parts that you have no context for. These parts don’t fit into your public persona and often don’t fit into your private life either.

They are inconvenient, challenging, and sometimes even shameful. And so you hide these parts of yourself. You say they aren’t you, they aren’t your problem, or they aren’t relevant.

Over time, you slowly convince yourself that if you keep them hidden the world will keep loving you. Except the more of yourself you see, the more you end up hiding even in your most intimate connections. You do this because doing anything else feels impossible and terrifying.

Encountering True Friends

Until recently this is how I felt. I felt like my anger, my dark thoughts, my inner douchebag, my inner wimp, my inappropriate attractions, and my hidden agendas had to stay tucked deep inside.

I felt this way until I began to encounter what I can only describe as people who practice the art of true friendship. An art that has largely been lost, because true friendship requires someone who’s done the kind of deep work most people never attempt.

Like with many things, the best way to find a true friend is to become one. So if you want to be and find the kind of friend that inspires passion and loyalty, practice the following:

Practicing the Art of True Friendship –

Honesty – A true friend is honest, especially when it is inconvenient, scary, and vulnerable. They may not tell you everything immediately, but with time and at their own steady pace, they will open their heart to you and let you see what they see so you can uncover all that is hidden in yourself.

They know they aren’t always right, but they will risk sharing illusion so you can hear the truth. And they trust you to know the difference between the two for yourself.

Trust – A true friend trusts you with a knife to their throat. They will look you in the eye with blood trickling down their neck. They will see the part of you that wants to cut, to drain them of every drop of life. However, they will see it as one part of the many that make you breathtaking.

They won’t hold their breath, they will breathe, knowing that not running and not cutting requires the same love and commitment.

Transparency – A true friend lets you see them as they allow you to be seen. Not just in they ways you want to show others, but in every way you show up. They do this because they know that you, their true friend, will take responsibility for yourself no matter what. And they show you every part of them because they know, that you know, that they will do the same.

Service – A true friend serves expecting nothing in return, but also honors their own boundaries. They give to you with wreckless abandon and receive from you just the same. There is no brinksmanship or horse trading. They put your well-being at the center of their heart, but not at the peril of their own.

They know that caring for themselves, asking for what they want, and being willing to say yes, no, or let’s renegotiate is the cornerstone of those who serve each other deeply.

Work – A true friend holds your dreams like butterfly wings. They honor them and lift them to catch the air. But they also know your wings are anti-fragile, they get stronger with each challenge they face. They don’t keep you from the dark paths or rocky lanes that will help your dreams become strong enough to hunt their own food.

They know your dreams never take from theirs and so they never compete. Instead, they know their own dreams expand with yours like two eyes opening at the same time. And so they seek the fulfillment of your dreams, as if they were their own, while never trying to steal them for themselves.

Spirituality – A true friend does their spiritual work and lets you do yours. They hold their integrity and practice sacredly and challenge you to do the same. They may share the tools, but they trust that your eyes can see the steps ahead.

They nudge you if you stumble, and grab you if you fall, but only because they know how powerfully you can walk. They ask to go deeper in their own practice and inspire you to do the same. The push you to expand, while always remembering to honor your pace as you honor theirs.

Beauty – A true friend displays a beauty that can only be seen with the ears of the heart. They honor your beauty, admire it, cherish it, and amplify it. They make sure others can see it and extol its virtues. They never let the crumbling nature of the outside effect the pure grace of what lies within.

Agreements – A true friends holds you to your agreements, forgives you when you stumble, and trusts you more because of how you endeavor to rise. They don’t make agreements lightly, and they do their best to keep to them. They own their missteps and are always gentle with yours.

Gratitude – A true friend is grateful when you do the thing that makes them feel good, and seen, and loved. However, they are also grateful when they look over and see you smiling, even if they aren’t the one that made you smile. Even if you will never know they saw you.

Even if you don’t talk for a long time, a true friend is grateful just thinking about you as a passing thought. Just being reminded of the warm field you emanate makes them happy to have known you, even if you never meet again.

Rare – A true friend is rare, rarer than diamonds, or platinum, or black skinned unicorns. They know this as do you. And because they know how rare you are, they hold and honor you in mind, thought, and deed. But they do so without fear or desperation. They see your rarity in balance with the security they feel in themselves and the trust they have developed in the steadfastness of their own heart.

How to be a true friend: If this sounds like something you want, get to work. To have and hold a true friend, you must develop all of these traits and abilities in yourself and let me assure you, this is even harder than it sounds.

It requires true sacrifice and dedication, and the commitment that demands you to say no to a mountain of temptations and comforts. But it is worth it. A moment spent with a true friend is priceless. To be with another soul, eyes a wide as hearts, scared but safe, held and holding, is breathtaking beyond description.

If you are lucky enough to find a person who knows how to practice this, do everything you can to honor, cherish, and serve this person. Because a true friend’s value to anyone who seeks a deeper relationship with themselves and with the vibrant experience of life is incalculable.

I could never fully express the deep gratitude for the few and powerful true friends in my life. Nor can I express how proud I feel about the choices I’ve made that led me to them and earned their trust.

If you want to no longer feel alone, if you want to be emptied, and filled with deep joy and love. Become a true friend. There is nothing like it, in the entire world.

Today instead of my normal post I’ve made you a recording all about being who you are is holding you back. You can listen, watch, or read below –

Listen:

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Watch:

Read:

Transcript Below – There is a land where all possibility goes to die, and the entrance gate to this land has the words, “This is how I am,” formed in wrought iron. Over and over again I hear from my clients,

• “Well, I would do it this way, but this is how I am.” *”Well, I’d like things to change, but this is how I am.”
• “Well, this is how I am, and this what helped me to be successful. Why would I do it differently?”
• This is how I am.

But let’s just look for a minute at the underlying assumption behind this is how I am. How did you get this way? When did you become how you were? Were you born this way? Did you have some sort of karmic law that forces you to be this way?

For a long time, you peed in a diaper. And that’s how you were. And then you didn’t. For a long time, you were nervous about talking to girls or boys. And then, maybe you weren’t, or maybe at least you were a little less.

You never are any solid thing. You are an ever changing, constantly evolving, non thing. So instead of getting caught up in a world of this is how I am, here are a few ways to escape and reopen the door of possibility, for your business, for your relationships, and for your life.

Question 1: What do I get by staying how I am?

Often we think of these rules or laws that we paint on ourselves as being negative. But the truth is that you always get something from being how you are. If you didn’t get something, you wouldn’t stay that way.

People standing outside on a hot day with the option of air conditioning will usually go inside. They only stay outside if there’s something to watch or do, if there’s a parade, a show, or fireworks.

So if you’re staying a particular way, if you’re defining this is who I am, you must get something from it. You may know exactly what this thing is that you get, or at least what you think you get from staying how you are.

Before you decide to stay exactly how you are, understand exactly what you get from it. And then you can decide is this a good way to get the thing that I want.

**Question 2: What if you could keep this thing that you love, this benefit, without being the way you are? **

Think about all the people in your life, the people who achieve amazing things. Think about someone else you know who’s created this thing that you love. Maybe it’s safety, security, simplicity, success, money, or fame. Can you think of one person who’s able to achieve that thing who’s different than you?

If you can’t think of anyone, think about every human being in the whole world. Do you think that there’s at least one person in this whole world who gets this thing you want without being exactly how you are? Don’t worry about how they get it, just ask the question, “Is there one person in this whole world who is able to create this thing that I want to create, without being the way that I’m attached to being?”

The answer is yes, and you have to admit that it must be at least possible for you to be different and still get what you want. And if that possibility exists it’s possible for you to discover that way too.

Question 3: If you were able to break the laws of yourself, the laws of physics, if it were possible for you to get what you want and change, what would that mean for you?

What would you become able to do? Don’t worry about whether or not you would want to be able to do that thing you would become able to do, just worry about what you would be able to do.

For example, I had a client one time that really struggled to hire good staff. Struggled and struggle and struggled. He always said, “It’s really hard to hire good staff. It’s so difficult, people want so much money, the economy’s really difficult.” He had a million reasons why he couldn’t hire someone that could do the job well, couldn’t hire someone who was amazing.

So I asked him a simple question, “What would change for you if this became possible?” And he realized everything would change for him. If it was possible, he could have a staff that he loved, supported. He could relax in his business. He could start to enjoy the process of managing.

So think about what would be possible if I could break the rules of yourself, even break the laws of physics, and change the way you see the world?

Because as you start to see what’s possible you will begin to become more motivated to find ways that this could happen instead of being fixated on all the reasons it couldn’t.

Question 4: Last, but certainly not least, how would you behave if it was possible to create this change in yourself and in the world?

What might you do differently? What could you try? What could you experiment with?

Setting aside whether you know if it would work or not, or anything else, what could you try? What would you do if this way of being was possible?

This client could start treating his employees as if they were the right employees. He could start nurturing them, he could get excited about management, he could relax around his business. And as he began to tell himself that it was possible to hire amazing people.

Not only was it possible, he realized had already done it. His people were amazing; they just needed to be nurtured in the right way to fully realize what was possible. And just that one small change in attitude changed the way he felt about his business and the way he showed up as a manager.

If you’ve felt like, “Man, I wish I could trust my team,” then start by just trusting your team. Take the action of someone who trusts their team.

If you’ve thought, ” I wish I could create something of value. It would be really cool if I could create something of value that could make money for myself without having it be insincere. Wouldn’t that be cool?” Then try that. See what it’s like to try to create something of value, that’s also sincere.

There’s a place where all possibility goes to die. And the gate to that place reads, “This is how I am.”

You are not a solid object. You are not the laws of physics. What makes human beings so amazing is the endless flexibility, the endless possibility that they create every day of their lives.

That’s why our economy’s so vibrant, that’s why we have so much amazing art, that’s why love takes on so many different forms.

Stop living in the land of this is how I am. Instead, live in the land of I wonder what would happen if?

Websites use pop up ads because they claim they are effective, but these pop up ads can ruin your experience of a site and damage your trust. Just think of the last time you landed on a site with annoying obtrusive pop up ads. It sucked right? And you tried to get out of there as fast as possible.

Well a lot of successful people lead using interpersonal pop up ads that take the form of unsolicited advice and a constant need to add value. Sometimes you do this because they think they’re awesome and want to show off and sometimes it’s because you really want to help.

No matter the reason, this style of leadership while sometimes effective, can also lead to a negative experience of you as a leader and a loss of trust among the members of your team. It may get compliance and make you feel all leader like, but it will also make people want to move away from you as quickly as possible.

Not sure if you do this? Several of my clients have denied that bad habit when I first asked them about it, but after running them through these five questions they changed their minds.

5 Questions To Determine If You’re A Pop up Leader:

1. Do you respond to problems with advice even if advice hasn’t been specifically sought?
2. Do you add your two cents to ideas that are good but that you think you can make better?
3. Do you find yourself making suggestions to others in the kitchen, during meetings, or when others are trying to complete a task?
4. Do you catch yourself thinking, “If they just did it this way (or my way) it would be so much easier?”
5. Do you interrupt others when they are saying something you already know, to assure them that you already knew that?

If you answered yes to any of these 5 questions then you’re guilty of being a pop up leader, at least some of the time.

How To Stop Being A Pop Up Leader

Here are the steps I give to my clients who want to stop leading with pop up ad’s and start leading with curiosity and humility instead.

1. Stop giving advice unless specifically requested.

If you need to say something so people won’t think you’re weird simply reflect back to the person what they said.

If your wife complains about how her boss is screwing up a project instead of giving her advice say, “So you’re frustrated because you don’t think your boss is doing a good job?”

This also works for employees complaining about customers, that talkative man on the airplane, and every other human relationship you have.

2. Don’t try to add value unless it’s critical.

Imagine your a high level surgeon with a very limited ability to speak. You can only say things that will save the patients life or vastly improve their ability to survive. Telling a nurse to adjust the way she tied her gown could cost you a patient.

Only offer advice or suggestions if it’s going to make a major difference, otherwise keep it to yourself. If this seems hard, then just try it for a day or a week and see what happens. Most likely things will run just fine without all of your brilliant ideas.

3. If you really want to offer advice, then simply offer it.

Sometimes you really do have good advice, but instead of just giving it, try leading in by saying, “I have an idea of something I think could be helpful, are you open to hearing it?” This way at least the person who’s getting the advice has given your permission.

But remember if they say no, shut up! It will be hard, but honoring this response is worth it.

4. Couch your advice in non-absolutes.

Don’t ‘should all over people’ by telling them what they ‘should’ do. Instead say, “This could be totally wrong I’m not sure, but if I were in your situation here’s what I would do. (Insert what you might do) Again that might not be right for you. What do you think?”

This is still giving advice, but at least you’re admitting that this advice comes from your worldview and perspective; and not some god like knowledge of how every being should act.

5. Just shut up.

I’m often guilty of being the one who raises their hand, asks questions, or offers a lot of feedback. But I learned a long time ago that when if I keep my mouth shut, other people would ask the same questions and give the same feedback I had in mind.

Instead of always speaking up, shut up and see what you’re team or co-workers come up with. If they don’t say anything on an important issue then you can bring it up. But if they do they’ll have the added benefit of owning the idea which will boost their desire to make it happen.

6. Don’t pretend your sh*t don’t stink.

Before you criticize or point out other peoples faults be sure you’re aware of your own. It’s much easier to see our faults in other people than in ourselves, so if your feedback is negative make sure that you’re not harping on something that you yourself suck at.

7. Apologize when you slip up.

Nobody’s perfect and there will be times when a pop up ad slips from your lips before you can catch yourself. When this happens it’s ok. Simply own up to your unsolicited advice and apologize.

At the very least it shows people you’re trying to get better, which will earn you a fair amount of good will.

Final Thoughts –

Becoming a good leader takes time and a willingness to learn and practice the skills of effective leadership. Becoming a great leader means doing all that and also unlearning all the bad habits that good leaders develop by mistake.

If you want to be a great leader don’t wait, start paying attention your tendency to prove your greatness and instead learn to embody a kind of leadership that makes your team, your family, and everyone else in your life the stars of the show.

Sometimes I wonder why it’s never enough. I live in a warm apartment, but I dream of a big home. I have a lovely partner, yet I still look at women on the street. But it’s not just me.

I know people who have great businesses, but they aren’t happy. I have clients with so much talent, but they don’t feel like they’re good enough. I have clients who’ve built amazing organizations, but they get lost in thinking about what’s not possible and worrying about who will screw them over.

Recently a client of mine found out they were getting $40,000 they weren’t expecting. Amazing right?

They should be joyous! But they felt guilty, then they felt entitled, then they wondered about what they should spend the money on, and then they worried about what would happen if they lost that money.

This amazing blessing was causing them pain.

So how do we deal with this … this never enough feeling?

First: Focus On Now First you learn to see why this right here, right now is enough. You pause at the news of an extra $40,000. You notice how good it feels to know that money will be there. You feel the relief it brings.

Or you imagine what it’s like to lose $40,00. You feel the fear and disappointment. You feel the discomfort of having made a mistake. The gratitude you didn’t lose more.

Second: Accept The Never Enough You might think you can do #1 and the rest will just go away. Well it doesn’t. The first truth of Buddhism is that there is suffering. The second is that it’s caused by desire.

This feeling of it not being enough won’t go away. It doesn’t matter what accolades you achieve or what path you walk forward in your life. The desire will be there and so will the feeling of never enough.

Sometimes it might be less, sometimes it might be more. But it will be there.

Stop trying to stop it and just accept it.

Third: Use It To Serve When it comes to the feeling of never enough you have two options. The first is to learn to end your desires. The Buddha wrote a great post on this called the Eight Fold Path, if you want read it and follow it.

But until you learn to follow and master it, what are you supposed to do with this not enough feeling? Well for that you have the second option, which is to learn to use your desires for good.

You say, “OK I’ll never feel like it’s enough, so if I’m going to have desires what can I use this desire for? Can I use it to serve others? To help other people suffer a little less?”

That’s it. It’s that simple. It doesn’t take a million days in a monastery to turn your desires into something useful. Simply accept that you can’t change this feeling today and get to work on making it a part of the amazing thing you’re building for the world.

There is exists in the mind of talented people a tension between their confidence and their humility. If you ask any of my clients they’ll admit they’re good at what they do. After all you don’t get to the top of your field by being mediocre. But if you push a little harder you’ll discover that they also have doubts about their ability.

They don’t think they write that well, they have questions about their leadership, and they’re unsure how much of their success is do to talent and how much is due to luck.

This is normal. It’s normal to feel confident and also unsure. It’s normal to love your work and also to be worried that you’ll have it taken from you.

Life is a constant balancing act between the confidence it takes to succeed and the doubts it takes to drive you to keep improving.

So how do you deal with this?

First realize that you’re probably better than you think. At this level a lot of what you take for granted as easy, is hard for the rest of us. Just because you have challenges and taste doesn’t mean you don’t rock. Just think about where you are, this alone is proof of your ability.

Next realize that improvement is a life long process. You can always keep improving, if you’re dedicated to making things interesting. You can challenge yourself without making yourself suck. Instead of using criticism to drive your improvement, use curiosity.

Finally learn to enjoy and appreciate your victories. Enjoy the prestige your position brings. Enjoy the success. Then once you’ve enjoyed it, let it go.

Success isn’t about making yourself feel like crap so you’ll have motivation to work hard. It’s also not about making yourself feel like a god. It’s about enjoying the good things your work brings you and remembering that the best reason to be amazing is to inspire others to join you on stage.

If you want more help understanding how to aspire to greatness while remaining human, join me today for a special event on Blab.im

From 5pm – 6pm PST me and my amazing client Sarah Andrews (Soul Charmer and Amazing Coach) will have a honest conversation about what it means to look back on a year of life and look forward to a future beyond our imagination.

To find out more follow this link – https://blab.im/sarah-andrews-what-will-you-create-in-2016-1

Successful people are often idealistic. This idealism pushes them to improve, serves to maintain their integrity, and helps them be inspiring leaders. The only problem with idealism is that it tends to make people rigid. 

Successful people often strongly identify with their idealism. They say I’m a person who always keeps his word or I put simplicity above all else or I demand nothing less than excellence from myself and my team. 

There nothing wrong with these statements in themselves. In fact I’m inspired by people who highly value their integrity, simplicity, and the quality of their work. 

The problem arises when these values slide across the small barrier into the realm dogma. Soon the ideals that drove growth become the walls that prevents it. 

It’s like rich nourishing milk slowly turning into curd. Despite the smell and texture many successful leaders hold on to these ideals in the hope that they will sustain the growth that brought them to this place. 

Integrity is admirable but sticking to your word even when it hurts your team, your family, or yourself is a folly that serves little more than your ego. Some people may be impressed, but  you may find yourself exhausted. 
Simplicity is vital for living a balanced life, but fear of complexity and resistance to the growth it requires limits you to live in a realm you fully control. Epic works happens on the edges of what we can manage and requires teams whose ability far displaces the discomfort of their complexity. 

Demanding excellence is a marvelous aspiration but without accounting for priorities or being accompanied by loads of appreciation it leads to anxiety and a team that runs of fear instead of vision. 

I’m not saying you should let go of your ideals. Rather I’m saying you have to learn to be unmatched to them. These ideals you have got you here and that’s great, but if you want to grow as a leader you must find a way to expand the definition of who you are and the values you want to embody.