UNEXECUTIVE

Unconventional coaching for extraordinary people

4 Things to Remember When You Have to Adapt

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A couple months ago I got a call from my assistant. She wanted to quit. I sat there heart beating on the phone unsure of what to do. Within two weeks my entire team was gone, and in the end it was for the best.

At the time I was scared, sad, and frustrated to have things change on me so fast. But in the end it taught me a lot and I ended up feeling grounded and complete.

The nature of the world is change and there’s little we can do to shift that.

And so we must learn to adapt.

Here’s what I’ve found to be the most valuable when things change suddenly:

Acceptance-

Denial is the first enemy of adaptation. It’s so easy to pretend that things haven’t changed, to keep seeing what you hope was happening instead of what is happening. I’m not suggesting that you be pessimistic, optimism is fine, but you must see reality for what it is.

For me, when I get that sinking feeling in my belly that something is changing, I do my best to look at it straight on and accept what I’m seeing. When someone tells me what they want or shows me who they are and it seems in alignment, I do my best to accept it.

When my assistant told me she was miserable it was hard to hear but I accepted it. I could have dismissed it or tried to talk her out of it, but it felt true, she was being honest to me, so I looked at it head on.

By accepting what is, you can then choose where to go next.

Feeling –

Our habitual response to pain is to move away from it. When change brings pain or fear with it, we tend to avoid thinking about it or we numb our pain in the face of it.

You notice yourself reaching for the ice cream, the bottle of whiskey, another episode of 90 day fiance, whatever it is that will take your mind and heart off of the change.

And some of these things can actually be helpful in moderation, but we tend to numb more than we need, and stifle our ability to adapt as a result.

I won’t lie, the evening that my assistant quit I spent the whole night working (work is often where I go to numb) I ate more ice cream than normal, and I had a whiskey before bed.

But by the next day, I let myself really feel what was going on underneath. I let myself feel the anger, the sadness, the disappointment, and the fear. I was mad that she was leaving. I had asked her so many times how she was doing, if we could shift her work at all. I was sad because she had been the person I leaned on as I was going through my transition with my ex. I was disappointed in myself for not seeing the signs sooner. And I was afraid that it would all fall apart, that I was a horrible leader, and that I’d just sink into failure and oblivion.

By letting myself feel my feelings I was able to process my emotions and come to a more stable place. Instead of resisting change I became willing to look at what was next and to make the best choices for her as well as for myself.

Forgive / Get Complete –

Often when we think of forgiveness we think about the apologies we gave as children. You said you were sorry but you didn’t mean it.

And it’s easy to think of forgiveness like an obligation, but forgiveness is actually an act of liberation. It liberates you from the weight of other’s mistakes and it frees them from the toxic judgment most of us hold onto when someone hurts us. Whether they hurt us on purpose or simply by accident.

In my practice I teach a kind of forgiveness called completion, which means you don’t just ‘say’, you forgive, you really move through everything you need to get back to a place of responsibility for your life.

You express your feelings, you look at how you’ve contributed to what happened, and finally, you appreciate the person for who they are.

These three simple steps, which I do by writing letters (a process I got from my coach Hans Phillips) helps me move forward. They help me forgive. When I do this process I get back to a place where I can own what happened and be responsible for how I’m going to respond and decide what to do next.

Get Clear and Act –

Finally, you get clear on what’s next and begin to move into action.

Of course most likely you tend to get into action before getting clear. You just want to react, to do something, to respond and the result is that you respond from fear, anger, or anxiety.

Which is why slowing down and getting clear happens first.

For me, part of getting clarity is getting clear about what I’m committed to. For example, I have a commitment that every person who works for me will benefit from being part of my team. They will grow, deepen, and expand who they are. And I know if I’m living up to that commitment it means that people will leave me from time to time. My job is to accept that they want to leave and support them to move onto a job that’s better for them.

After you get clear, then you can get into action.

Sometimes that action is literally doing things that need to be done, like reviewing all the tasks your assistant does. And sometimes it means adjusting your beliefs and the way you think about the change itself.

What’s important to remember is that action that comes from acceptance, clarity, and forgiveness is the action of a true leader.

For me and my time the whole thing was a big wake up call that I needed to start from scratch. I needed to let my assistant go and I actually needed to let my whole team go.

I had built my team with my ex and it was great for our business, but it wasn’t right for the business I wanted to build.

So I let them go, they all went on to better jobs and better things, which is exactly what I want for everyone who works for me.

Adapting isn’t easy and of course, change is hard to predict, but if you follow these steps and slow down enough so you can move with purpose and clarity, you may find that on the other side of change you didn’t ask for, is growth you didn’t expect.

I Once

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I once… bought a same day ticket to New York to tell a woman I loved her and arrived with flowers in my hands.

I once… left my whole life behind me to travel across the US and work as a ski instructor.

I once… got the best job I had ever had, running a cool music venue, making more money then I had ever made.

I once… moved into a Zen monastery intent on discovering the secrets of myself.

The relationship with the woman didn’t last. My car broke down and I haven’t skied again since. I got fired from my job after confronting my boss for stealing. I left the monastery and that entire community soon after.

You could say I once failed. My relationship failed. My plan fell through. I lost my job. I walked away from a path.

You could call these things failures.

I call them adventures.

I touch the edges of these experiences and number them wisdom depth heartbreak love

The wrinkles on my face grow deeper my heart pushes out a bit more

there’s always a reason not to do the thing take the leap go after the dream

But looking back you may say I once and smile

Waiting For Yourself

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I’m almost 40, and by almost I mean I’ve passed my 39th half birthday by at least a little bit. Recently I’ve been wondering if I’m in the grips of a mid-life crisis. A theory, by the way, that I discovered doesn’t have much basis in science.

But still. . . I’ve been wondering a lot about what my purpose is, about whether or not I’ll fall in love again, and about what is next for my life and business. The kind of questions we all ask from time to time.

And the more I’ve thought about them, the more I’ve come to realize that I’m waiting.

I’m waiting for something. Not a love, not a new career, not a million dollars, not my big fancy life.

Instead, I’m waiting for myself. And I thought that I would tell you how to do it. So that maybe I can learn as well.

How to wait for yourself:

1) Be still – You are a wild, clever, animal. And you, unlike most people, know most of your own tricks.

So any move you make will likely cause you to become caught in some way. Which is why . . . if you’re going to wait for yourself, you must be still.

You can meditate, or spend time in nature, do tai chi, or learn to cook slowly with no music on, smelling the food as it blossoms.

However you do it, it starts with being still.

2) Let go – Not with drama or flair, but simply. The way you might let a remote fall from your hand as you drift off to sleep. You become so focused on the waiting that everything else simply falls away.

Some things will naturally fade, some interest in a hobby, maybe a goal you had at work, or even some long-held dream.

As it fades, let it go. Gently.

3) Forget – Forget who you think you are. You have practiced this story of you over and over again. And that story has the same ending. The story is about your life not working out, or working out in a particular way.

So just forget it. It may turn out that way again, it may not, a forgotten story never knows. You will try to remember who you are. You will grab onto threads of the past. See if you can forget.

4) Remember – Remember something about yourself that you can’t put into words. Wait from this place as much as possible. If you don’t understand what I’m talking about. focus on being still and you will remember.

5) Love – Love yourself, the trees, people around you, your fucked up life, your great life, your desire to doom scroll, your judgments about social media, you anger about the people in charge. Wrap your heart around it all.

6) Wait – Whenever you notice yourself not waiting, trying to decide, figure out, or fix, don’t. Just wait. Something is coming. You don’t know what it is, or who it is, but it is coming. Can you feel it?

The most important thing about waiting for yourself is to just wait.

7) Do something fun – As you wait, do something fun: read a book, paint a rock, learn a song, grow a plant. You don’t have to do nothing, just do something that aligns with waiting. As soon as you get distracted by something, remind yourself of your waiting.

8) Go outside – Look at the plants. Put your feet in a lake. Take a deep breath. You don’t have to wait inside.

9) Talk to people – One of the best things about waiting is meeting other people. Most of them are waiting too, and they’re just there with nothing to do but wait, so enjoy them.

10) Calm down – Whatever happens try not to get riled up. You will sometimes and that’s ok. You’ll get impatient, you’ll wonder what’s taking so long. But you’ve been waiting for yourself your whole life.

How long have you really been waiting for yourself?

Most people don’t even wait a day. So calm down. There’s plenty of time. And when you arrive, you’ll be there. And once you’re there you’re there.

It’ll be what you’ve always been waiting for. Quite literally.

There’s not much else to say other than, thanks for waiting with me. I hope you’ll stick around and wait some more.

Love, Toku

Being with Uncertainty

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You are adrift in a sea of uncertainty. But most of the time you don’t notice it. Like a fish in water, you don’t really understand the nature of it.

But sometimes (more recently) you wake up to this uncertainty. You see how unclear the future is, how it’s hard to know what’s going to happen, how you’re not sure what you can truly rely on.

You read a lot about navigating uncertainty, or planning for it, but really that stuff doesn’t matter as much as how you be with is. So here’s a way to BE with uncertainty, so that you don’t drown in the water you’re swimming in.

1) Notice your fear –

The first thing uncertainty causes is fear. Because staring into a vast abyss of the unknown is scary. Maslow made this cool pyramid of needs but it could just as easily be called a pyramid of certainty.

I know where I’m getting my food from, I know where I’ll sleep, I know that the tigers won’t be attacking me tonight.

Take these things away and all of a sudden it’s hard to focus on being patient and kind, it’s hard to focus on company culture and managing your team.

So begin with noticing that you’re scared. Nothing wrong with it. It’s a normal natural human response to uncertainty. If you see you’re afraid you can calm the wild, scared animal inside of you, if you hide it, this same animal will stalk you silently.

Notice you’re afraid and then take a deep breath. Notice the thoughts your scared mind is whispering to you and then take a deep breath. Remind yourself that fear is normal, but not especially helpful.

Notice your fear and decide to choose from someplace else.

2) Remind yourself why you’re doing it –

Leading a team, running a business, being married, doing parenting.

Whatever it is, you have a reason for doing it. If you know that reason return to it. If you don’t then slow down and figure out what that is.

Write out what you’re doing all of this for. What are you committed to creating? What are you dedicating this to? Why do this instead of something else?

Then when uncertainty shows up, read what you wrote, or write it out again. Remind yourself WHY you are doing what you’re doing.

When you remember why you’re willing to face uncertainty, when you remember why you’re willing to risk something to lead, to create, to love, or whatever it is that you are seeking to do, something begins to shift inside of you.

3) Choose to come from what you’re creating –

Now that you’re clear about what you’re creating and what you’re scared of, you have a choice.

You can choose to come from fear, or you can choose to come from love.

This isn’t about what you do. It’s about who you’re being.

Are you being fear or love in the face of uncertainty?

In some ways, this matters way more than what you do.

Getting into a lifeboat from love, feels different than getting in one because of fear. Cutting your expense from love feels different than cutting them from fear. Laying off your team from love, feels different then doing it from fear.

One easy way to think of this running. All of us have had a time in our lives where we’ve run out of love. Full of exhilaration and joy we run, or roll, or drive fast. The wind moving through your hair is exciting, your body feels alive.

Running from fear isn’t the same, you feel alive, but scared and tense. You might even run a bit faster when you run from fear, but who you’re being is very different.

Choose to be I hope that as you face the uncertainty of this moment, you’ll continue to distinguish fear from love and choose to come from love.

Not only will it feel better, but it will work better, for your team, for your family, for your work.

Those who can choose from love, even in the face of great uncertainty, are the kinds of leaders we never forget. I hope you’ll be as unforgettable as you can.

Toku

unexecutive.com

Looking

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You are looking for something.

Something to keep things interesting, something to keep things safe, a cook set for backpacking, a rack to keep your bathroom organized, a new recipe to try.

But you’re looking for it.

Googling, scanning your newsfeed, asking (for a friend), window shopping, reading reviews, looking at profiles, swiping.

You don’t notice you’re looking.
You’re completely wrapped up in it.

Then you stop and wonder, what is it that I really want?

And you realize you don’t know.

It’s a feeling. Safe and warm, right, good, smart, satisfied.
You know you’ve felt it before.

In bed on a Sunday.
By a campfire.
With a pet in your lap.
A small silence in the middle of a conversation.

You notice that in those moments you weren’t looking.

But it doesn’t stop you from looking now.

Because that moment felt so good and you felt in such the right place.

You can’t help looking, but you can pause, notice what you really want, and remember.

Life comes to us, like a shy cat in the afternoon.
If we are patient and defenseless, it may just curl up with us and take a nap.