UNEXECUTIVE

Unconventional coaching for extraordinary people

How To Run A Meeting That Doesn’t Suck | Part 5: You Have To Know How To Generate Valuable Friction*

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This is part five of a seven part series. Read Part One Here. Read Part Two Here. Read Part Three Here. Read Part Four Here.

Almost everyone I meet seems to think they know how to run a meeting. The startup founders I coach are convinced that their ability to guide a process is better than almost anyone else. The coaches I work with are no different, they feel their ability to listen and reflect makes them master facilitators. And yet consistently when I sit in on a meeting that one of my clients runs, I have to bite my tongue to hold back my suggestions and objections.

The truth is: MOST MEETINGS SUCK.

This is despite the fact that there are numerous guides, books, and outlines for how to run meetings. The real problem is that running a meeting is less about the mechanics (timing, agendas, talking sticks, conches, wands, etc) and more about the ability to be with people while also leading them with grace to a place THEY want to go.

So after running thousands of meetings and sitting through even more, here’s the skills you actually need to be successful.

**

You Have To Know How To Generate Valuable Friction*

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The other side of people is their tendency to go along to get along. Most of the magic in meeting isn’t in coming to quick and easy agreement but by spurring people to think more deeply about the challenges, problems, and questions they’ve brought.

Which means as a facilitator you need to know how to create the kind of friction and challenge that leads to deeper thinking, better solutions, and more creative ideas.

To do this you have to be ok with conflict and the unknown, because those two things are what most teams and people like to avoid.

Here are some questions to consider: – Where does the group or person come to agreement too quickly? – What solutions are being overused? – What considerations are being avoided? – Where are people resigned to how things are? – What limitations have people accepted as unchangeable which are in fact changeable? – Where does possibility go to die on the team? In this person’s life?

Once you identify an area where a lack of conflict is limiting growth you can start to generate some good healthy conflict. The key to healthy conflict is you need both safety and challenge.

If you’ve done your work on the previous four points you’ve likely already created safety though it’s important to remember to make sure people are still being heard, that breakdowns are handled with grace, and that the issues are seen as issues and not personal battles to be fought in a public arena.

Then to create challenge you need to ask people to look at their underlying assumptions, to ask people to look beyond the most obvious solutions, and demand that people back up what they’re saying with evidence or at the very least some good reasoning.

Most facilitators only excavate the first layer of questions of possibility. The best facilitators encourage people to look at challenges from multiple perspectives, consider more creative options, and really look at the impact each option will have on the people involved.

To create challenge you have to learn to ask deeper questions and push people to think of more possible solutions:

Instead of asking – How could I do a better job of marketing my new course? Ask – What are all the ways I could market my new course?

Instead of asking – What offering do you think I/we should create next? Ask – What evidence do we have that indicates what our customers are looking for?

Instead of asking – Do you think we should hire a new assistant? Ask – What gaps are there in our current process? Could we cover these gaps with our current resources? What kind of personality is missing on our team? What will the real costs of hiring an assistant be? What are the costs of not having an assistant?

Of course creating challenges is more art than science. It requires a good facilitator to understand the context of the conversation, the assumptions that are hidden, and the possibilities that may exist. Once you have this sense of your group you will be able to challenge the group as a whole and each member of that group to do the hard work of thinking about the challenges that face them.

The key thing to remember is that friction is GOOD! so long as it pushes people to think beyond their comfort zone and deal with any elephants trying to hide behind a vague powerpoint slide or bullet point on a business plan.

This is part five of a seven part series. Read Part One Here. Read Part Two Here. Read Part Three Here. Read Part Four Here.

Check back in next week as we cover part six which is about preparing and following up.

  • Many of the ideas in this section are loosely based on ideas for creating debates from the book Multipliers.

How To Run A Meeting That Doesn’t Suck | Part 4: You Have To Know How To Deal With Breakdowns With Grace And Efficiency

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This is part four of a seven part series.
Read Part One Here.
Read Part Two Here.
Read Part Three Here.

Almost everyone I meet seems to think they know how to run a meeting. The startup founders I coach are convinced that their ability to guide a process is better than almost anyone else. The coaches I work with are no different, they feel their ability to listen and reflect makes them master facilitators. And yet consistently when I sit in on a meeting that one of my clients runs, I have to bite my tongue to hold back my suggestions and objections.

The truth is: MOST MEETINGS SUCK.

This is despite the fact that there are numerous guides, books, and outlines for how to run meetings. The real problem is that running a meeting is less about the mechanics (timing, agendas, talking sticks, conches, wands, etc) and more about the ability to be with people while also leading them with grace to a place THEY want to go.

So after running thousands of meetings and sitting through even more, here’s the skills you actually need to be successful.

**

You Have To Know How To Deal With Breakdowns With Grace And Efficiency

**

Meetings would go much more smoothly if they didn’t have any people in them. Humans are funny, we take things personally, we dig into positions that don’t matter, and we bring our own set of fears and filters to everything we do.

But people are still the magic of meetings. Our kindness, our creativity, our empathy, and our ability to cooperate and collaborate gives us the ability to build giant buildings and perform beautiful symphonies. To be great at facilitating meetings you have to know how to work with people when they stop working.

At some point during your meeting there’s going to be a breakdown. Or more simply put, someone is going to get upset, repeat an opinion over and over again, try to move beyond a vague point too quickly, or something else.

When this happens you have to know how to work with it. If you can work with it skillfully then you can get the team back on track without stepping over or onto anyone in the process.

Here’s how I do it:

A. Identify that there is breakdown – is this normal helpful conflict or is it getting too heated? Is the team on track but thrashing or is it off track? Are you on topic or in a rabbit hole? How does the room feel?

Mostly you’ll feel breakdowns happen. It will seem like all of a sudden you’re in the weeds or that something has been said that is causing a strained reaction. Notice it and wake up.

B. What is the breakdown? – Is someone upset? Has someone taken something personally? Does some not feel heard? Are people taking sides?

Once you can tell something is wrong you have to work out what shouldn’t be or should be that is. You can do this by yourself or in the group.

“Hey I noticed the energy has shifted, does anyone else feel it? What’s going on here?”

C. Attend to the breakdown – You shouldn’t try to fix it, fixing a breakdown won’t solve the problem. First you just need to attend to it by putting your attention on it or the group’s attention on it. There are a couple ways to attend things I do.

The first is just listening – I’ll go to the person who is upset and say, “Hey I notice this topic has some energy for you. Can you tell me about that?” Then I simply reflect what they say. Many times this is all that’s needed to move on, since being heard is a simple need we all have.

The second is depersonalizing the issue – If the team is debating whether to invest in marketing or sales it’s natural that the head of sales will get invested. So instead I simply invite everyone to argue for why marketing should get the money and then I ask everyone to argue about why sales should get the money. This way the debate isn’t personal. It’s not about who deserves the money. It’s about the options and their value to the company.

D. Resolve the breakdown and move on –
This can be the hardest part for many people. When a breakdown happens we tend to either avoid the problem and hope it goes away or we hyper focus on the problem way too long.

Very often people aren’t going to be fully bought in on every choice the group might make. And not everyone will have wisdom for everybody else.

When a breakdown happens you need to attend to it, but then you need to move on. Often I’ll hear someone out, check in to make them feel heard, and then simply say, “Hey we need to move on now, is that alright with you?” They almost always say yes. The key here is I’m calm, present, and I ask their permission.

Don’t get lost in the breakdowns or you’ll play whack a mole forever, deal with what you can and then move on.

This is part four of a seven part series.
Read Part One Here.
Read Part Two Here.
Read Part Three Here.

Check back in next week as we cover friction.

How To Run A Meeting That Doesn’t Suck | Part 3: You Have To Know How To Track Four Things At Once

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This is part three of a seven part series.
Read Part One Here.
Read Part Two Here.

Almost everyone I meet seems to think they know how to run a meeting. The startup founders I coach are convinced that their ability to guide a process is better than almost anyone else. The coaches I work with are no different, they feel their ability to listen and reflect makes them master facilitators. And yet consistently when I sit in on a meeting that one of my clients runs, I have to bite my tongue to hold back my suggestions and objections.

The truth is: MOST MEETINGS SUCK.

This is despite the fact that there are numerous guides, books, and outlines for how to run meetings. The real problem is that running a meeting is less about the mechanics (timing, agendas, talking sticks, conches, wands, etc) and more about the ability to be with people while also leading them with grace to a place THEY want to go.

So after running thousands of meetings and sitting through even more, here’s the skills you actually need to be successful.

**

You Have To Know How To Set A Context

**

A context is not an agenda or an outline of a meeting. It’s literally the space a meeting will happen in.

Setting a context is like laying out a field for a sport. In football you define the endzones and the yard lines. In soccer you define the goal box and the center point. These lines indicate something important about the game you’re about to play.

That’s what creating the right context is. Most facilitators draw a sort of vague box around the work that’s going to be done. And then hope people will play by the rules. But if the box is ill defined in structure, energy, and intent the game gets more and more messy over time.

Learning how to discover what the context is and then make sure you define it for everyone engaging is key. And you’ll probably have to learn to set it and then remind people about it as they go along.

Start by answering these questions: – What is this meeting for? – What is the desired outcome? – What is the current dynamic of the people involved? – Where do the current set of desires align and conflict? – What needs to be in the space in order for people to feel safe to engage and inspired to participate?

Some of these may be hard to answer. Ideally you can ask before the meeting but if not, take a guess. Having some idea of these questions will help you define how to move forward.

Once you have an idea of the baseline ask yourself: What am I committed to creating at this meeting?

This isn’t the outcome, it’s rather the space you want to create. Think like an interior designer might: How do I want people to feel in this bathroom?

And then work to set a context from that place. The context will include the purpose, but will also create a relational space. If you do a good job of this the experience will be both somewhat seamless (people don’t totally trip over what you’re saying) but it will also have an impact (they will pause for a moment and reflect or have a subtle reaction like a leaning back or taking a deep breath).

You can watch this happen in real time and it’s a worthy thing to see if you can create. A great context makes a great meeting and it like all the rest of these takes practice.

This is part three of a seven part series.
Read Part One Here.
Read Part Two Here.

How To Run A Meeting That Doesn’t Suck | Part 2: You Have To Know How To Set A Context

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This is part two of a seven part series.
Read Part One Here.

Almost everyone I meet seems to think they know how to run a meeting. The startup founders I coach are convinced that their ability to guide a process is better than almost anyone else. The coaches I work with are no different, they feel their ability to listen and reflect makes them master facilitators. And yet consistently when I sit in on a meeting that one of my clients runs, I have to bite my tongue to hold back my suggestions and objections.

The truth is: MOST MEETINGS SUCK.

This is despite the fact that there are numerous guides, books, and outlines for how to run meetings. The real problem is that running a meeting is less about the mechanics (timing, agendas, talking sticks, conches, wands, etc) and more about the ability to be with people while also leading them with grace to a place THEY want to go.

So after running thousands of meetings and sitting through even more, here’s the skills you actually need to be successful.

You Have To Know How To Set A Context

A context is not an agenda or an outline of a meeting. It’s literally the space a meeting will happen in.

Setting a context is like laying out a field for a sport. In football you define the endzones and the yard lines. In soccer you define the goal box and the center point. These lines indicate something important about the game you’re about to play.

That’s what creating the right context is. Most facilitators draw a sort of vague box around the work that’s going to be done. And then hope people will play by the rules. But if the box is ill defined in structure, energy, and intent the game gets more and more messy over time.

Learning how to discover what the context is and then make sure you define it for everyone engaging is key. And you’ll probably have to learn to set it and then remind people about it as they go along.

Start by answering these questions: – What is this meeting for? – What is the desired outcome? – What is the current dynamic of the people involved? – Where do the current set of desires align and conflict? – What needs to be in the space in order for people to feel safe to engage and inspired to participate?

Some of these may be hard to answer. Ideally you can ask before the meeting but if not, take a guess. Having some idea of these questions will help you define how to move forward.

Once you have an idea of the baseline ask yourself: What am I committed to creating at this meeting?

This isn’t the outcome, it’s rather the space you want to create. Think like an interior designer might: How do I want people to feel in this bathroom?

And then work to set a context from that place. The context will include the purpose, but will also create a relational space. If you do a good job of this the experience will be both somewhat seamless (people don’t totally trip over what you’re saying) but it will also have an impact (they will pause for a moment and reflect or have a subtle reaction like a leaning back or taking a deep breath).

You can watch this happen in real time and it’s a worthy thing to see if you can create. A great context makes a great meeting and it like all the rest of these takes practice.

How To Run A Meeting That Doesn’t Suck | Part 1: You Have To Be Present

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Almost everyone I meet seems to think they know how to run a meeting. The startup founders I coach are convinced that their ability to guide a process is better than almost anyone else. The coaches I work with are no different, they feel their ability to listen and reflect makes them master facilitators. And yet consistently when I sit in on a meeting that one of my clients runs, I have to bite my tongue to hold back my suggestions and objections.

The truth is: MOST MEETINGS SUCK.

This is despite the fact that there are numerous guides, books, and outlines for how to run meetings. The real problem is that running a meeting is less about the mechanics (timing, agendas, talking sticks, conches, wands, etc) and more about the ability to be with people while also leading them with grace to a place THEY want to go.

So after running thousands of meetings and sitting through even more, here’s the skills you actually need to be successful.

You have to be present

This is the MOST FUNDAMENTAL SKILL of any facilitator. Despite how obvious it is, 90% of the problems meeting facilitator’s face come down to their inability to be present.

This takes constant work if you’re facilitating a meeting. I mean constant. Very often when I’m running a group or a strategic planning session or a mastermind group I am working constantly to really be in the room and noticing what’s going on. It’s so easy to get distracted by the agenda or by one little rabbit hole in a conversation.

To be a master facilitator you MUST learn to be present and return to presence again and again.

But you have to train your presence. The first step in this is meditation with yourself; learning to sit and be with your breath, thoughts, and feelings.

The next step is learning to meditate with other people, processes like authentic relating or conscious communication can help.

Or you can simply start by meditating during your next meeting. All you have to do is in between moments of engagement lean back (mentally or energetically) and begin to observe the room.

What’s not being said?
Who’s saying the same thing again and again?
Who’s not talking for a reason?
Where are we in the flow of this meeting?
What thoughts and feelings keep occurring to me?

By returning to presence with each person as they speak as well as the group as a whole, often where to go next will be incredibly apparent.

This takes practice but the simple action of stepping back more often will immediately improve your facilitation skills. Even if you’re not running the meeting.