UNEXECUTIVE

Unconventional coaching for extraordinary people

Stop Endlessly Coaching Your Team

By Leave a Comment

Your job as a leader is to help others to become leaders themselves.

—

In my experience as an executive coach working with leaders from all over the world, 90% of your on-the-ground leadership happens inside of conversations.

You set goals, people go to work, and stuff goes wrong. Sometimes you correct a problem one time and that’s it. The team gets it and they fix the problem for good.

Sometimes the problem keeps happening. When it does, it DRIVES YOU CRAZY!!! There’s new problems all the time, so the old problems that stick around can be infuriating.

Most of the time, as a leader, you do a crappy job at these conversations, partially because of frustration and partially because you’ve never really practiced them.

So I’m going to break down step by step the exact process I’ve taught people to use when they talk to their distracted co-founder, their smart but underperforming coder, and even their kind but fumbling assistant.

Not only will this framework help you be more calm, but it will greatly increase the likelihood of not having to have as many of the same conversations over and over again.

You are going to need to start by learning how to talk to people.

How to Prepare for a Why Does This Keep Happening Conversation

You’re likely going to have your own thoughts and feelings about an issue or person before you talk to them. As a leader, it’s important that you address and put aside your personal feelings before entering into a conversation so that you can successfully hear the other person and move forward together. Do the following to get yourself clear and prepared:

1. Let go of being right – If you’re a human being, you are probably pretty sure you’re right about what’s wrong and how to fix it. Especially if there are issues with the other person. The team member may be lazy, inattentive, out of integrity, or at least some version of hopeless. I know you want to be right about them and that’s OK. In order to prepare, you need to start by trying to let that go. Assume that you don’t have all the information and don’t know exactly what’s going on. Then, assume you are at least as responsible, if not more than they are. If you struggle with this, make sure you do the next step.

2. Process your emotions – There are bunches of ways to do this. You can write things out, bang on pillows, or you can simply have a venting session. The idea is that you express or write down ALL of the thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations that come up when you think about this person or situation. Get them all out without filtering, in a safe place. Write an angry email (don’t address it or send it) or talk to a trusted advisor. Coaches are especially helpful for something like this.

3. Just the facts, ma’am – Once you get the feelings out, next write down just the facts of the situation. Like the things a camera could record. Word for word what they said. Moment by moment what happened. Try to notice any judgments or assessments. Descriptors like slow, dumb, incompetent, and late are all assessments/judgments. Try to be as clean as possible. If you notice more feelings come up, go back to Step 2 and get them out. That’s OK to do.

4. Get clear on your side – Try to look at what you could have done differently and what you can be responsible for. If it was 100% on you, why might that be the case? It’s probably not all your fault, but it probably isn’t 100% theirs either. Your ability to point to your mistakes will open up a safe space to admit common problems. Remember, taking responsibility is part of your job as a leader.

How to Structure Coaching Conversations

Once you’ve prepared and are clear on your end, you’re ready to actually talk to the other person. Here is a framework for the conversation that will help you to sit down with them most effectively and move in a direction you both want to go. These steps are best done in order. No matter how much you want to get your perspective across first, I’ll urge you to listen before sharing. (Note: This sample conversation comes after previous conversations addressing the same problem. Don’t get hung up on that. The structure can be used at any time.)

1. Set the context – Be simple, direct, and state the outcome you want. Get on their side and look at the problem together.

  • “Hey I wanted to talk with you. I notice that we keep having the same problem crop up again and again. I don’t really want that to keep happening and I imagine you might also feel like I’m nagging you. I want to talk about it so we can see what the breakdown is and find a way forward.”

2. Identify the problem – Refer back to the ‘just the facts’ process. Explain what you understand is happening. Take time to pause and see if you missed anything.

  • “So here’s what I’m noticing. When I ask you about the sales numbers you express enthusiasm and yet we have missed our target 5 times in the last 90 days. I just want to check in. Do I have that right? Was I unclear on the targets at any point? Or are we on the same page that the targets were clear and we haven’t been hitting them?”

  • “I also want to be clear that we’ve talked about this 3 times. I’m sure I could have been better in those conversations but I just want to make sure that I’m not confused that we’ve tried to address this in the past.”

3. Find out what’s missing for them – Get their take on why this keeps happening, listen to their experience, reflect what they say, and acknowledge that it makes sense. Do this even if it doesn’t make sense from your perspective. Try to get into the world view from which it does make sense.

  • “So I want to understand here. It sounds like sometimes you feel the targets are unrealistic and that I haven’t heard you when you’ve said that. Do I have that right? Ok, yeah I get that, that makes sense. It’s a hard conversation to have when we feel targets are off. I get that.”

4. Share your experience – After checking in with them, share your experience and take responsibility for your part in it. Refer back to your responsibility list or anything the team member brought up. Be honest. Be vulnerable. Don’t be a jerk. Share your feelings without putting blame on them.

  • “Are you open to hearing my experience? Great. Well, I struggle to know how to talk to you about this. You’re always so optimistic, which I really love, but it feels like we’re not on the same page about the numbers. I find myself often feeling wary before we talk and frustrated afterwards. I can see now that I haven’t taken the time to make sure you get why the numbers are what they are. I’ve also hid my frustration, which isn’t really fair to either of us. I’m sorry about those things. And I want to be able to have frank discussions about our numbers with you.”

5. Discover solutions together – After getting their buy-in, look at the problem together and come up with possible solutions or ways forward.

  • “Ok, how might we move forward in a better way? I really want our relationship to work and having the same conversation, again and again isn’t much fun for either of us. What solutions do you think we could employ?”

  • “Great, I think a mid-week check-in is a great idea. That way we can get ahead of the numbers before we’re too far behind.”

  • “I’d also like to create a set structure for how we deal with not hitting the numbers. I’d like to look at the numbers on Friday and then go through a few questions like, what impacted your numbers this week? What isn’t working? What can we try to improve things?”

6. Create agreement, recap, and acknowledge – Finally, once you’ve got some concrete steps, agree to what you’re going to work on and when, recap the discussion, and acknowledge them. Don’t skip the last part. Show them you appreciate who they are for the company and that you have their back (so long as you actually do).

  • “Great, so we’re going to do these two meetings and the questions I recommended and we’re going to start next week. Are you still a yes to those two? Great!”

  • “It also sounds like we were missing each other when we talked. You secretly thought the targets were unrealistic and I wasn’t being honest about my frustration. We each saw what was missing and we’ve come to some agreement on how to move forward.”

  • “I just want to close by thanking you for your candor. I know these conversations can be tough and I appreciate you being so honest with me.”

7. Follow up and inspect what you expect – Once the conversation is over, follow up with a brief write-up and, most importantly, DO WHAT YOU SAID YOU’D DO. If you want to not have the conversation again, stick to your commitments and check-in that they hold up their end too.

Conclusion

That’s it. Simple and direct. If you begin to prepare yourself for conversations with your team — especially conversations that have you emotionally charged — and take time to set context, listen, find what’s missing, and discover solutions together, you’ll start seeing incredible progress from your people. It’s a practice you can start today.

Can You Sing About Sales in Italian?

By Leave a Comment

I decided to write a poem and adapt it into a short Italian aria.

(Which yes I will sing to you at the end of this post)

The music comes from another aria about lost love.

Because lost love has taught me a lot about sitting in tension.

The Art of Sitting In Tension

About 4 years ago I met a girl at an entrepreneurship summer camp. She was pretty, smart, and funny. We became friends and over the course of a few months, I developed feelings for her. She liked me but she wasn’t sure about long-distance (I lived in Portland, she lived in NYC).

Two days after our first date (outside of LA) I bought an overnight plane ticket to New York and showed up on her doorstep with roses. I told her I was moving to the city and asked her if she’d go out with me.

I remember the whole plane ride I sat in the tension of what she might say when I arrived.

–

About 8 months after that I asked her to marry me. I hadn’t planned on asking her. I mean the thought had crossed my mind, but I was going to wait for a few more months. And then I just decided. I dug through a box, pulled out my grandmother’s ring, and proposed.

It’s funny, most proposals don’t have much tension. Most people know the answer, but this felt different. I remember sitting in that tension as she looked at the ring and me.

–

Over the next two years, things shifted. Slowly at first, though if I’m honest the cracks were always there. We started fighting more, it became harder to communicate, she revealed she was more ambivalent about having kids than I had originally thought.

We had good moments, but it was hard. Probably harder than a 2-year-old relationship should be. But I was committed. I had proposed, I had chosen her, even when things were hard, I didn’t want to give up.

The Beginning of The End

One day during a couples coaching session, it hit me. She was hurting. I was too. I gave it some thought and wrote her a letter suggesting we find a way to end things. It took me two weeks but I finally read it to her. She took a couple of weeks and finally said she agreed.

We took 3 months to say goodbye. We divided our stuff. We did a small ceremony in our empty living room. And then it was over.

The tension that got created when I gave her that ring, finally released.

What this has to do with Sales

When I teach coaches about sales, I talk about the power of a proposal. The possibility it holds.

Inside this vision of the future you create with someone is a tension with the way things are now, a tension created from the resistance that we have to overcome.

This tension is a powerful force that creates both fear and clarity.

If you’re not grounded and honest, fear can easily take over.

Some salespeople use this fear to push people across the line.

Scarcity, pain point selling, hard closing tactics.

But if you slow down, this tension reveals everything.

It reveals the things that matter to you.

  • Things like wanting to have kids.
  • Things like a fear that things can’t change even if you try.
  • Things like how you have different visions of the future.
  • Things like a doubt that you will actually rise to the occasion when it finally arrives.

If you can sit with someone in that tension, you can sit with them in the very fire of change.

The important thing to remember is that any exit is a good one so long as you choose it powerfully.

You could say I failed to get married.

You could say our relationship failed.

But in some ways, our proposal, the tension, did exactly what it was meant to do.

We saw how we were no longer able to see the good in one another.

When our plan shifted, other things shifted too. At least for me, I found it much easier to love her and see her beauty when I took a future together off the table.

She was and is an incredible person. She’s just not my person. And I’m not hers.

The tension revealed that.

This is what is possible with sales. At its best, you see the best in me:

  • The insight, skill, and talent I can bring to the table as a coach.
  • The features and benefits of your signature product.
  • The talent and experience you have as an employee

And I see the best in you:

  • The commitment, openness, and passion you bring to the table as a client.
  • The drive you have for serving your customers and solving your toughest problems.
  • The culture and vision you have as an organization.

If it’s a fit, if we can defeat fear and create an incredible relationship. We create a commitment that becomes the foundation for change.

If it’s not a fit for either one of us for whatever reason, we say no and we walk away.

Ideally, we do this from an empowered kind of place.

Not an apology. But a choice.

If we can do that together, the tension serves its purpose.

It clarified and helped us to see what’s important.

But no matter the answer we have to sit.

  • We have to propose.
  • We have to choose to see the best in one another.
  • We have to have the courage to say yes. (hard)
  • We have to have the courage to say no. (even harder)

This is why I love sales.

It’s also why I still believe in wild, crazy, passionate, romantic love.

I am probably a sucker, but I have slowly learned that I don’t sell myself in love.

What I sell is a vision of the future.

And the vision I’ve got is one of adventure, play, romance, passion, and the beautiful simplicity of life.

I think I’ll find a buyer.

And until then, I’ll sit in this lovely tension.

The same tension I invite every person I coach.

To sit inside.

Love,

Toku

And here is the aria –

And here’s is the poem it’s based on –

To see the good in someone. Simply for being themselves Is a sacred gift To sit in the tension of commitment Is an act of courage and love Easy with an open heart Impossible in thought and comparison

–

Riconoscere il buono nelle altre persone. Solo per ciò che sono È un sacro dono Sostenere la tensione del fervore È un atto di coraggio e amore Se hai un cuore aperto è facile Se ti perdi in pensieri e confronti è impossibile

7 Questions for Every Writer

By

It’s easy to go on an endless chase for likes and popularity, but more and more I keep returning to a fundamental question.

Who am I as a writer?
What do I want to say to the world?

So I offer this mostly to myself and maybe for you to consider as well.

How will it change people?
I want to change people –

Seth Godin says all marketing is about bending culture and I guess some part of me wants to change people, to change the way they think about life, about themselves.

My life’s purpose is to serve those walking the path of awakening. I want to wake people up, to life and to what’s possible. So this is what I want from my writing.

Does it change people? Does it wake them up? Or is it simply a distraction?

How will it change you?
I want it to change me –

When I write about my life I truly begin to understand it, it’s probably why my writing often feels like a stream of consciousness. I process as I write.

I want my writing to change me, the way I think, the way I view the world. If I challenge myself as a writer I will also challenge my way of thinking. I’ll become better. I’ll be more kind, more loving, more open, and more wise.

Is this writing making me better? Is it pushing me? Is it challenging the way I think?

Will you make art?
I want to make art –

I’ve wanted to be an artist my whole life.But I can’t paint, I can’t draw, I can’t code. It took me a long time to see words are my code and the reader’s mind is my canvas.

I don’t just want to write to inform or compell, I want to write to make art. I love reading other people’s writing because I can see the art of it. I want to do that, I want to keep making art, to write in a way that get something done with brilliance

Is this art? Is it creative? Can I say it with fewer words? Can I articulate it more clearly?

What will you leave?
I want to leave something –

I’m going to die. We all are. My writing too will also die. Few books and writers live on. But I still want to leave something.

I have an image in my mind of my grandchildren holding a book I wrote. Maybe it’s a book of poems, but I’m not sure yet.

I’ve read writing by both my grandfathers. It’s just these little snippets, but they are so lovely. It’s like they’re reaching across time.

It would be cool if my books lasted generations, but really I’d be fine if it just survived in my family. A small thing to leave, even though nothing really lasts.

Is this what I want to leave? What would I want to write that would matter 100 years from today? What about me is important to know? What have I learned I want to pass on? How might it help?

Can you love it?
I want to love it –

I don’t need to always love the process of writing. Sometimes it’s work. But mostly I want to love it. I want to feel the words flow out of me onto the page, even if the page is just 1’s and 0’s. Even if the writing is terrible.

Are you enjoying this? Are you inspired? Are you creating beauty? Are you seeing the beauty you’re creating?

Who will read it?
I want you to read it –

This can’t just be about me, it has to be about you too. I care about what you want, what you want to change, and what you want to be different about your life.

At the intersection of your concerns and my insight is where a conversation can happen. Even if my half is on the page and your half is in your mind;I want us to talk. And that means making a guess at where you are and doing my best to meet you there.

If I do this well we can meet each other even if we never meet.

What do you care about? Why should you read this? What might make you turn away? What can I say that would help you?

Will you write?
I want to write it –

At the end of the day, there is simply a commitment: to writing, creating, and spending the time crafting words. I am a writer. I almost don’t need anything other than that.

Writing can be its own justification. Like the best kind of love. You don’t love to get something or to give something. You love to love. You live to live.

As circular as it is, there’s a truth to it I can’t explain. Maybe that’s why I’m a writer.

Are you writing? Why not? What if you started? What if it being bad was ok? What if just writing was enough?

To be a writer.

It sounds so significant and grand, but it’s also humbling. I get to join this conversation. I likely won’t be the loudest voice, or the most poetic, or the most successful, but I can still add my part, my words, my love, my commitment to the mix.

This is who I am as a writer.

Who are you?

The 5 Minute Guide to Choosing a Coach

By

Coaches are brilliant at making it seem like anything is possible and challenging your way of thinking, this makes them both highly skilled at helping you but also highly skilled at making promises they may not be able to keep.

Despite that coaching is still one of the most effective and powerful ways to make a change in your life.

Here’s a short guide to choosing a coach:

1) Ignore their website – It’s not that their website doesn’t matter, it’s just that it doesn’t always correlate to reality. Some of the best coaches I know have sort of ok websites. Most of the most over hyped coaches I know have AMAZING websites. A good website will soften you up for your conversation with a coach, and even sell you on the person you may become if you work with them.

Sometimes a website is a reflection of the coaches brilliance, sometimes it’s a beautiful artifice for them to hide behind. Look at it, but don’t decide because of it.

2) Pay attention to how they make you feel about yourself – Spend some time talking to a coach so you can tell what working with them will be like. But be careful not to get caught up in their bright, shiny, charm. You need to pay attention to how you feel around them. Just be careful about putting them on a pedestal. If you notice yourself doing this take them down, if you find you can’t it might be a red flag. If you feel a bit like a fan-boy/girl/being that may be a red flag.

We all project greatness onto people we admire, but if you feel like you’re dying for their attention and approval, that’s an indication that you may not be grounded in your choice.

Instead, look for someone who makes you feel inspired, powerful, and connected to your deepest desires. You should admire them, but you shouldn’t be obsessed with them.

3) What are they all about? – Great coaches are about you, your life, and your desires.. They might have a system or process laid out for you to use, but they will design their coaching to what YOU want and need.

Some coaches are very much about themselves, same as any industry. It can be hard to grow with a coach who’s attention isn’t on you, so look for someone who puts their attention on you, your needs, wants, and desires.

4) Do you actually like them? – You should enjoy talking to them. I mean that’s what you’re going to be doing. If you clash, if they feel pushy, if you don’t enjoy them, don’t hire them. They don’t have to be your best friend, but you should generally enjoy who they are and enjoy spending time with them.

5) A little intimidation is good – The best coaches are the ones that you feel a bit nervous around. If you’re nervous they’ll call you out or that you’re not advanced enough to work with them, that’s a good sign. You want to like your coach but you also want to have a healthy respect for their work.

6) Will they push you? – You can find people to agree with you. Those people are called friends. That’s not what a coach does. A coach should challenge your thinking and how you show up in the world. If they don’t push you, you won’t grow.

7) Seeing your blindspots is key – We tend to surround ourselves with people that think like us, and many people hire coaches who think like them. One value of a coach is their different perspective. There should be JUST enough overlap so you can communicate, but also just enough difference that they notice things you miss and provide a different perspective.

8) Ask your gut and ask your friends – My gut often knows who I need to hire even when I have doubts. My friends can help me break the spell of an alluring coach or give me new ways to think about the choice I’m making. Refer to these two data points often.

9) Are you a little scared to invest? – The last thing to consider with a coach is the investment. Some coaches convince you that investing a large sum of money is the ticket to success. It isn’t. But great coaches also charge a healthy fee for what they do.

There are some bargains out there to be found, but most great coaches know their worth. I usually hire coaches who ask me to stretch financially. But stretch isn’t break. The price should challenge you, maybe even a lot, but you shouldn’t have to give them a credit card on the call just to save you from yourself.

Choosing a coach is a personal process. And while I’ve never made a BIG mistake choosing a coach (except for maybe the first one I hired) if you’re thoughtful and willing to listen to your gut you’ll likely make a good choice. It is really about being grounded and taking a risk. Any good coach will be a risk, but because a great coach can have such a profound impact on your life, that risk is usually worth it.

Love,
Toku

How to Stay Optimistic During Hard Times

By

Inspiring leaders are known for keeping a positive attitude in hard times.

Winston Churchill inspired the british people with radio addresses and speeches during the worst parts of WWII.

FDR encouraged a nation in tatters with his fireside chats during the great depression.

How do they do it? How do leaders, in the face of incredible challenges, remain optimistic and engaged with their work?

Let’s look at some of the key ways leaders find hope in the midst of turmoil:

What are you committed to?

“People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.” -Mother Teresa

Great leaders center their lives around great commitments. Commitments that exist beyond the conditions they find themselves in.

These are not reasonable commitments, they are commitments beyond reason. Mother Teresa worked with some of the most disadvantaged people in the world, but her commitment to serve, to elevate, and to love was deeply inspiring.

Many of us have commitments that only exist in the moment. We’re committed to loving so long as they love us back, we’re committed to writing so long as we feel inspired, we’re committed to voting so long as the candidate completely aligns with all of our views.

Great leaders get rid of the “so long as”. They are their commitments. They stay committed beyond where other people would stop. This kind of commitment creates its own hope and optimism because it’s the strength of the commitment that matters, not the results of the moment.

How humble are you willing to be?

“For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit.” -Ira Glass

Great leaders are willing to be wrong, to learn, to grow, and to find new ways to succeed.

Many of us are full of pride in who we are or were as leaders. This pride exists until we read the edge of our capabilities. When you hit that edge you are humbled by what you don’t know, what you can’t do, and who you have yet to become.

If you allow yourself to be humbled you can pass through the gate and continue down the path.

If you refuse the call, you go back to where things felt safe and often become cynical about anything beyond what you currently see is possible.

Great leaders are willing to be humbled in order to go forward. They understand that humility in the face of adversity is not defeat, it’s the doorway to victory.

Are willing to accept what is?

When my master and I were walking in the rain, he would say, ‘Do not walk so fast, the rain is everywhere.’ -Shunryu Suzuki

Great leaders don’t exist in a state of denial or fantastic thinking, they accept what is, and work from there.

Many of us would simply like to forget that the world is on fire. This is true even if the world at large is on fire or if it’s just our personal world that’s burning. Your desire for things to be ok, or ‘normal’ can override your willingness to see things as they are. This denial can lead you to numb out on fantasy, distractions, or even anger that the world is not how it should be.

From this denial, it’s hard to do anything. How can you act on a world you’re not even living in?

Great leaders don’t hide the truth from themselves. While they may paint a picture of possibility for others or even put their faith in an inspiring vision of the world, they start where they are right now. They choose the world as it is, people as they are, and life as it exists as the foundation to build hope on. This radical acceptance grants them an integrity that makes optimism possible.

The SuperHuman Illusion of Leadership

Most people when faced with adversity complain or avoid the challenge of the moment. Great leaders choose to take on the moment, which can create an illusion that they are superhuman.

But they aren’t, and you don’t have to be either.

Leadership is mostly a choice. A choice to find something you’re willing to commit to beyond reason, a choice to be humbled by the growth being offered to you, a choice to accept what is and begin with step one.

The world doesn’t need any more false superheroes. The world needs leaders and people who decide the problem is theirs — even if they didn’t cause it, don’t know how to solve it, and aren’t sure it’s even possible to make a difference.

Optimism isn’t some magic spell you cast, it’s simply a way of relating to the world, something which has to be renewed again and again. You can start now, you can make the choice to lead.

I hope that’s what you choose.