UNEXECUTIVE

Unconventional coaching for extraordinary people

Devotion vs. Obsession

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For a lot of my life, I was devoted to things that I couldn’t help but pay attention to. After college, I dated a girl who wasn’t a good fit for me. My roommates at the time took us canoeing and we fought the entire time. Years later they told me they could always tell how a relationship was going for the people they took on these trips. If they fought the relationship usually wouldn’t last.

Still, I couldn’t let her go. Even when she got engaged to someone else I found myself calling her and having these wistful conversations. I wasn’t good for her and she wasn’t good for me. But I was devoted. The devotion just wasn’t by choice.

If you pay attention to music, books, and music this is the kind of devotion you see a lot of. This feeling of not being able to stop thinking about someone, to stop pursuing some dream, to let go of a hunch. And obsession isn’t always bad. People who are obsessed with science and math have made incredible discoveries, but obsession isn’t the most powerful way to relate to devotion.

This is especially true in our relationships but it’s also true for our work.

No matter what it is, a beautiful partner, an amazing project, or a challenging problem to solve, obsession always runs out. It wanes and trembles in the face of reality.

True devotion is more solid than that. True devotion is a choice you make to give yourself to something, and that means giving all of yourself. Not just the self that always feels like showing up. It means giving the part of yourself that’s grumpy, unsure, full of doubt, and tired. It means offering yourself with all of your imperfections.

True devotion finds a way through obstacles and the ebb of energy.

This is the shift the Buddha made before he became enlightened. For years he was obsessed with waking up. He starved himself, stood on one leg for days, and sat with tremendous physical pain, but when he let go of his obsession and instead brought his devotion to practice everything shifted.

This lesson is one I’m still learning, because for me obsession feels more familiar. It feels easier to lose myself in my desire and passion for someone or for a project. And sometimes I let myself. But I don’t stay there.

As I let go of the emotional intoxication of obsession I either return to devotion or I let it go. Because I’m not really interested in living my life from the standpoint of a victim even if it gives some energy and excitement. What I’m interested in is living my life from the standpoint of a leader and giving my full devotion to those things that are truly worthy.

What To Do When You Don’t Feel Like Doing Anything

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This article contains affiliate links which means I may make a small commission if you use the link to purchase.

This morning I woke up and found myself lying in bed scrolling through Instagram. I’m not supposed to do that. I’m a powerful coach, a deep spiritual practitioner, a human being on purpose, but that’s what I was doing.

Each year I take most of December off and I enjoy these slow mornings where I can do my practice or watch TV. Work on a new book idea or simply read one for hours in bed. I love my Decembers and yet, each January when it comes time to return to work, I don’t feel like doing anything for about a week.

I don’t feel like checking my email, starting a new project, exercising, or getting on client calls. My body feels like an object in perfect stillness at the center of a frozen universe. It doesn’t want to move, think, or put in effort in any way.

This is where I found myself this morning. Knowing that with a few clicks, I could continue my marathon of The Office, or lose myself in shopping for a valentine’s day gift, or just look at pictures of other people doing stuff.

And when I find myself here I have found a few ways to get myself out.

STEP 1 – Get out of bed.

I can literally go anywhere else in the place I’m staying. The kitchen, the bathroom, the couch in the living room. Just the simple act of getting out of bed moves my energy. It takes me from horizontal to vertical, from inert to active. It can feel like a hard step (even though logically you may think it shouldn’t be hard) but getting out of bed really helps.

STEP 2 – Make the bed

I know, super lame. But making a bed reduces the chances you are going to get back into it. And it invokes your adult mind. Your day matters. Your bed matters. You are preparing your bed for when you will meet it again tonight. At the end of the day you’ll look at your bed and remember that you love yourself. You have set the stage for sleep.

Sleep that will happen later. Not now. Because now there is a day.

STEP 3 – Drink Something (not alcohol)

Water, tea, coffee, juice, it doesn’t matter, but you get bonus points for preparing something to drink. Drinking is a ritual. I spend 10 – 20 mins making coffee every morning. I hand grind beans. I measure water. Yes I’m a bit of a snob about coffee, but this ritual makes a difference to me.

I am preparing something for myself. I am preparing myself for the day. Plus it’s a simple and embodied activity. It is NOT on a screen. It is in the physical world. I boil water, measure beans, time the brew. All of these things are here in this world, where your life is.

STEP 4 – Do something that turns on your mind and/or body

Either one of these works. I mean both are better. But the key is to read something that turns on your mind or do something that turns on your mind or body.

If you’re going to read, pick a devotional, or maybe something on meditation. Bonus points if the chapters are short and inspiring. Anything by Pema Chodron* is great. Or Zen Mind Beginner’s Mind*. The Book of Awakening* is Dope. I even wrote a devotional for coaches, which you can pre-order right now.

Just read something that makes you think. Not the news. Not Facebook. Probably not even a blog post. Something that invites your mind into a deeper experience of yourself.

Same with exercise. It doesn’t have to be intense. Yoga, tai chi, gentle stretching. I love the stuff put out by Gold Medal Bodies. But just move, for 10-15 mins. Anything is better than nothing.

You are invoking engagement through movement. You are creating momentum which can carry you into the day.

STEP 5 – Write or draw something

Do morning pages or write a post about not wanting to do anything. Or just journal for 5-10 mins. Both exercise and reading have a quality of receiving. This is why you need to move very gently into creating.

You don’t have to write or draw anything good. Crap is fine. Maybe even better. The point is to shift. From laying to standing. From mental space to physical space. From preparing to moving. And then from receiving to creating.

So create something. Anything. It can be small. I write little poems sometimes.

The dog upstairs
barks with a low and yearning tone
I hear her
calling for the woods
through the plate glass window
that separates her
from the wild and the past

It’s probably not a great poem. It doesn’t matter. I created it. Now I am creating.

STEP 6 – Begin your day

You’re ready now. You’ve warmed up. You are already doing something. And now that you’re doing something you can do something else.

You could review your tasks for the day, you could work on the hardest one, you could answer your email. Whatever it is. You can more easily move from doing to doing.

And what if you get stuck?

Now you have 5 things you can try to get back on track.

  1. Stand up
  2. Prepare something for later
  3. Drink something
  4. Move or read
  5. Create something

As I move throughout my day I use these simple tasks as a way to bring myself back. Back from the land on inertia and indifference.

You were not made to lay about. You were made to give your gifts to the world.

All it takes is a small reset to remember.

*This article contains affiliate links which means I may make a small commission if you use the link to purchase.

You Are Wrong About Freedom

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I talk to a lot of people who long to be free. They want to express themselves, travel the world, live in the moment, go with the flow, and experience life as a boundless possibility.

I get the desire for freedom because freedom seems to offer so much possibility. And a lot of other things we want have the promise of freedom wrapped up in them.

Wealth is really about the freedom to buy any experience or item you want. Attractiveness gives you greater freedom to choose partners. Confidence gives you the freedom to take risks and be yourself.

But even though freedom is compelling I found that people who seek freedom rarely achieve it. Because . . .

When it comes time to do work, they don’t feel like it. When it comes time to invest energy into a big project, their doubts arise. When a relationship is challenging, they’re looking for the exit.

But the missing piece in all of this is the freedom to commit.

If freedom is all about the ability to choose what we want, then having the ability to NOT exercise our freedom is an integral part of that ability.

I’d say it’s at least 50% of freedom and it may be the most important half.

How we relate to commitment –

Often the way we relate to commitment is that it’s a trap. It’s something we say we’re going to do, a person we promise to be with, a project we’re going to complete and then immediately we feel the restriction of that.

What a moment ago was a choice, now is a prison.

Many of us have felt the burden of the commitments to school, a partner we no longer love, or a project we don’t really care about anymore. This burden can make us feel like commitment is never a good idea and always a trap.

But this is a very basic understanding of commitment.

If you look up various definitions of commitment you’ll read words like dedication, and engagement. But you’ll also read words like obligation and restriction.

Both are parts of what a commitment is, but what makes the biggest difference is how we relate to our commitments.

If you choose to take your commitment and turn it into a parent. Into a thing that is oppressing you.

That’s how it will feel. And then freeing yourself from that will feel liberating.

I made a commitment to work. But work feels hard. I’m afraid my writing, coaching, or whatever will be bad.

So I’ll rebel. It will be like a kid when I snuck a cookie from the jar. It will feel so good.

Except when you do this over and over again, you’re not free.

The freedom you’re creating is an illusion.

You built a prison and escaped from it.

But the cycle repeats again and again.

The path out.

The pathway out of this is to make a commitment. Not as an obligation, or should, but as a choice from a part that is deeper than the part that seeks a sort of false freedom.

When you do this you may actually experience a whole new kind of freedom. The freedom of commitment.

At the monastery, I never had to decide when to wake up. That freed me up to focus on practice, to be engaged with my life. I was free from that choice because of my commitment. Some mornings I love it, others I hated it, but the freedom was there either way.

Part of why I ask for a minimum of 6 months of commitment in my coaching is the freedom that it offers.

We’re not wondering week to week if we’re doing this. We’re here. We’re in. Stuff will come up, but we’ll face it together.

For me, that offers a very deep kind of freedom. A kind of freedom that is only possible on the other side of commitment. It took me a long time to learn this and it still shows up from time to time.

I don’t want to write when I said I would. I wonder what it would be like to be with someone else when I’m in a relationship. I dream about having so much money I wouldn’t ever have to budget or plan I could just get what I wanted.

But when I look at people with a lot of wealth, or fame, or beauty. Not many of them seem really free to me. In some ways many of them seemed the most trapped of all.

I’ve learned to understand that while the first kind of freedom feels good in the moment, over time the freedom commitment offers is even better.

It’s the freedom to choose and be with my choice. It’s the freedom to be with the hard parts of life without needing it to be different. It’s the freedom to find new ways to empower what’s happening and truly live in the present moment, even when that present moment is challenging.

So for me, there’s no freedom without commitment. Not random or obligated commitment. But the kind of commitment that comes from a place deep inside of me.

How To Lead When Things Fail?

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I’ve worked with executives in a range of fields, from the entertainment industry to advertising. I’ve seen a lot of incredible successes, but I’ve also seen my fair share of spectacular failures. And what I’ve noticed is that failure brings out the best and worst in leaders. It’s when the blaming and complaining starts, but it’s also when the best leaders do their best work.

While it would be easy to give you a list of 5 things great leaders do when they fail, the biggest difference actually comes down to one thing.

They own it.

They admit that they failed; they look failure in the eye; they come to terms with it; and they feel all the anger, frustration, sadness, hopelessness, and grief that comes along with it.

And they don’t just do this when things don’t work out. They actually start from here.

Before they begin the project and take the risk, they accept that failure is part of leading. They know the plans won’t always pan out and they come to terms with that.

What’s even more amazing is that they do this without losing any of their enthusiasm. They aren’t like some founders that are all hype and talk, whose egos are so fragile any mention of defeat will cause them to collapse. Rather, they look at failure right in the eye and smile.

It’s not that they know they’ll be successful—they know success is always a mix of skill and
luck—they simply choose to be responsible for leading if that happens. They choose to lead if the storm comes. They choose to lead no matter what.

It’s so simple and yet what so many leaders miss. Leadership isn’t really about leading when things go well. It’s about leading no matter how things go.

My Simple Cheat Sheet to Customer Service

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Mostly we look at customer service like we look at cleaning out our garage; it’s something we have to do. The mess piles up. People complain. We want our customers to be happy and yet we find them impossible to please and incredibly annoying at times.

All of this happens because of the way complaints or upsets occur to us. Mostly complaints and upsets occur as something that is being done to us or happening to us.

We hear the feedback and before we know it, we’re assessing if we agree or disagree with it. We’re looking to see if this is our fault or not.

If it is our fault, we feel bad but it may not stop us from getting defensive.
If it isn’t our fault then we either get really defensive because MAN is this not on us OR we put on an act for our customers.

We pretend they’re being reasonable, we act as if this is our fault (even though it’s definitely not).
But whether or not it’s our ‘fault’ there’s a better way to relate to customer service.

Customer service is about being with our customers.
Whether they’re being reasonable or not. Whether they are right or not.

If you choose to have customers, you take the risk of dealing with unreasonable people.