Author: Toku

by Toku on Mindset

Making Gut-Wrenching Decisions—Part 2: How to Help Yourself Make Better Decisions

Get ready! I’m about to share with you the strategies I use to make gut-wrenching decisions not so gut-wrenching! To help mitigate any of that nasty fear, indecisiveness, and overall suffering that comes with making tough choices.

The first tactic might come as a surprise for all you go-getters out there, but it only means that it’s even more crucial for you to understand….

1) It’s Time to Lower the Bar!

While I know that it’s awesome to have standards and expectations, sometimes we set the bar so high that we will entirely avoid taking any steps toward what we want under the premise of it being “unrealistic”. Many times, this is just a manifestation of our own fears and insecurities.

I’ve found that the best way to work with this fear-based thinking is to make the conscious effort to reduce your expectations by 10%.

This is not to say that you should completely disregard what you truly desire– you can still maintain the full integrity of your goal, but also cut yourself some slack and take off some of the paralyzing pressure.

2) Ask yourself, Am I looking to be saved?

Many times we will delay action through the false hope that someone will show up to save us, or an opportunity will just magically fall into our lap…

This is all so that we don’t have to confront our own authority and actually empower ourselves to change the trajectory of the current situation.

This manifests when you say things to yourself like,

If my partner would just learn how to communicate better, everything would be easier.

If the new hire already understood our system, we wouldn’t have to train them.

If my boss would just give me better direction, I wouldn’t waste so much time and I’d perform a lot better.

The most important thing you can do to combat fear is to take responsibility for your situation rather than placing the blame on external sources or factors.

Make a conscious effort to shift your situation. Remember that even if you don’t 100% meet your expectations, you will 100% benefit from doing the work and going through the motions of being your own game-changer!

3) Try A Decision Out! Take Your Choice For a Joy-ride!

If you’re not sure whether the decision you’re debating between is a good fit for you, why not try living as if you’ve already made a choice?

Begin to embody what living with your partner is like, as if you’re already married. Do you feel more excitement? More stable? Or does it make you feel suffocated?

Act as if you just hired that new team member by giving your current hire a fresh round of training and guidance… Did that help them improve? Or should you seek to train someone else?

Go to your job and live as if you’ve already set an end date. Apply for new jobs, or start creating your own means of income, as if you were already unemployed. How does it feel?

Often we resolve ourselves to being stuck in the back and forth of indecisiveness, and completely disregard the momentum and beautiful opportunity that springs up when we finally just choose to act. For better or for worse, you are always learning, there is always something to takeaway from your actions.

Which leads into the final strategy…

4) Choose Something and Put Your Whole Life Behind It!

At the end of the day you will stand to gain from choosing something and not looking back. Very few choices are truly permanent. You can always look for another job. Getting divorced or being single isn’t the end of the world. Hiring people or delaying for 90 days won’t kill you.

The reality is that you really won’t know what it’s like on the other side of a choice until you make the decision and go through with it.

After all, the choice is only gut-wrenching while holding yourself back from making a decision.

Usually we get caught up in gut-wrenching choices because of the (often negative) story we tell ourselves about who we’ll be or what our world will look like after taking action.

If I choose to break up, I’m a failure at relationships.
If I let this person go, I’m admitting they were a bad hire or even worse I’m disloyal to our team.
If I leave my job, I’m flighty and unreliable.

While these notions may seem trivial at best, they can really take hold of you on a subconscious level, and paralyze you from acting in your own best interest.

It’s why we benefit from asking ourselves, “What would I do if I knew I couldn’t fail?”

Because it invites us to move beyond our fear and into a realm of what is truly possible. To take a chance on ourselves.

It takes courage to face your fears and make a gut-wrenching decision, but it’s the only thing that will actually help you move forward.

And hey, at the end of the day, you’ll have 35,000 more decisions to make tomorrow… So in the grand scheme of things, it’s only going to be a small drop in the ocean of choices.

What will you choose?

If you’d like to discuss the topic further, please do not hesitate to apply for a call with me and we can break down the inner workings of decision-making on a more personal level!

Happy decision-making!

 
by Toku on Mindset

Making Gut-Wrenching Decisions—Part 1: What Makes A Decision Difficult?

Have you ever considered just how many choices you make in your average day?

Think about it for a moment… Try to take a wild guess.

I think it’s safe to say that unless you just guessed somewhere in the tens of THOUSANDS, whatever number you may have come up with is likely pretty low compared to the reality of it.

In fact, some research has shown that the average human makes a whopping 35,000 decisions in one day!

Now that number may seem ridiculous… But if you consider the fact that apart from deciding to read this right now, it’s possible that you’ve also just taken a sip of coffee, or shifted the position you’re seated in. Maybe you just scratched an itch on your body, or checked the time.

It’s apparent that of the tens of thousands of choices we are presumed to make on any given day, a large portion of those are seemingly unconscious decisions. Even of the conscious decisions that we make, many of them are inconsequential (such as deciding to shower first thing in the morning rather than before you go to bed).

It’s these types of decisions that are usually pretty easy to make without giving much thought to why we’ve chosen what we did.

So why is it that we can get so caught up in making certain choices when we spend literally all hours of the day “exercising” our decision-making muscle??

This got me thinking…

Oftentimes these more difficult choices are accompanied with an almost visceral feeling, something you can actually sense in the pit of your stomach.

These are the gut-wrenching decisions. They’re the kind of choices that when laid out before us (and not properly acted upon) will keep us up during all hours of the night… The kind of decisions that can even stand to haunt us for months to come.

What makes this kind of decision-making so much more gut-wrenching than all the rest?

Well, the more time I spent considering this, the more I realized how these difficult choices have a special combination of factors.

The first and most important factor being that–

1) Gut-wrenching Decisions are Extremely Impactful

What makes these choices stand out from all the rest, is how they seemingly have the power to shift the trajectory of our lives in significant ways.

It’s decisions like,

How to decide where to go to college…
What city and program is the right fit for me?

How to decide between two jobs…
Do I leave my job to find something better, or do I embrace the job I have now and try to make the best of it?

How to decide whether to stay with a partner…
Should I marry this person that I’ve been with for years now, or should we break up?

These choices are hard because they lead to a future that’s unknown no matter what you end up deciding to do.

Which leads into factor #2…

2) The Information You Have Surrounding This Decision is Limited

Even the more notable and “big” life choices become a lot easier when you are able to do some research and get insight into why you would choose one option over another.

It’s why choosing what car you want to buy, (while difficult) is rarely gut-wrenching. In this situation, you have the ability to not only set a budget, but then also read through endless amounts of reviews. You are able to both analyze risk, as well as think it over.

What makes gut-wrenching decisions stand out from all the rest, is how they are usually very difficult (if not impossible) to research or predict.

Sure this new job you came across looks great on paper, but isn’t that what you said about your last job?

Okay so you’ve recognized that this new hire isn’t living up to your expectations, but nor did your last hire, so why put the time and effort into hiring someone new if they could just as easily lead to disappointment?

Gut-wrenching decisions ask you to make a guess about the future in a time and place when you are truly unable to know how things will turn out.

Which leads into the final important factor:

3) You’re Not Sure of What You Want (or you are, but you’re not sure if it’s realistic)

The final factor in a gut-wrenching choice stems from the ambiguity of what you desire.

It could be that you’re weighing over whether or not the last hire is being poorly managed or if they just are not a good fit?

Maybe you’re not sure if your doubts about your current partner are stemming from a fear of commitment that requires a leap of faith… Or if these doubts are actually coming up because of a real red flag that you will regret dismissing?

Almost all gut-wrenching decisions make you question what you think is possible.

Should I make the time to do a candidate search just to see who else might apply for the position?

Maybe if I break up with this person I could find someone even better suited to what I want in a partner?

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

All of this indecisiveness is coming up for two very real reasons:

You don’t know what you want.

Or you know what you want, but you don’t know if what you want is unrealistic.

Okay, but now that we’ve identified all of the turmoil and resistance that comes with these (seemingly) life-altering decisions… What can actually be done about it?

Stay tuned for Part 2 where I reveal the simple steps to Making Better Life Decisions from now, going forward! Happy decision-making!

 
by Toku on Uncategorized

Love Is Heartbreak

George Carlin says “when you get a pet, you’re purchasing a small tragedy.” Because your beloved furry friend (if you’re lucky) will die before you do. And while that may seem like a dark or depressing thought, the truth of it teaches about love is vital

Love inevitably leads to heartbreak. No matter how hard you try or how careful you are with your heart, it will be broken. And not just because even lifelong loves are separated by death, or because we’ve been sold an impossible fairy tale about romance, but because heartbreak and love go hand in hand.

To love fully is to be broken open. To risk it all is to be inside of losing it all.

Yet most of us play defense when we play for love. We long for romance but fear getting dropped and crushed.

We look for red flags, we open up slowly, we try to make a list to get the right person and avoid the wrong person.

We defend our hearts and we seek to free our hearts and we end up tied in knots as a result.

How can we possibly hope to do something like love. Something that requires flexibility, creativity, courage, and faith. If we are unwilling to allow our hearts to be seen.

But we protect our hearts because we all know what it means to have our hearts broken.

We find this out when we’re young.

Our parents seem like gods at first. Perfect, even if they were awful.

And we bend and twist ourselves into the shape they need us to be to get love.

Then at some point we slowly realize these humans have no idea what they are doing. They are simply stumbling along like everyone else.

This realization. The de-heroization of our parents, no matter when or how it comes, is heartbreaking.

As we awaken to the fact that they aren’t god-like, we realize we love human beings who despite their best intentions love us with imperfect hearts.

Many of us remember this deeply in our bodies. Even if our parents were amazing and loving.

The heartbreak lives inside of us as a warning.

To be careful, to withhold trust, to go slow.

And so we do. We protect our hearts with conditions and lists or we step over our hearts and into wild impossible fantasies of another person they can’t possible fulfill.

No matter how we relate to love, the result is the same.

We don’t reveal the true tenderness of our hearts. Because we are afraid to have them broken.

But then . . . if we’re lucky. We meet someone who brings our defenses down. We let go of fantasies. We trust.

And as our hearts open to them, it breaks. It breaks in loving them. It breaks in all the human moments where we remember they are simply imperfect like we are. It breaks when we realize there is no one coming to save us or our relationships.

It breaks because that’s what loving hearts do.

And if we’re lucky we learn this lesson.

That to love is to be heartbroken. That defending your heart is pointless even counterproductive.

Because the way to love is through heartbreak. The way to break patterns is through heartbreak. The way to the kind of deep connection we long for is through heartbreak.

Whether we want it to be or not.

 
by Toku on Gold, Mindset

Entrepreneurs, You Are Your Own Two Person Team

One of the biggest challenges when you run your own business or even when you’re the leader of a larger team, is that very often you have two roles or ways of being. Each role is different and vital, but because they function so differently if you start to mix the two you’ll likely find yourself paralyzed with doubt and uncertainty. Here’s the make up of your two person team.

Role #1 – The leader or CEO

The job of the leader is to figure out a clear and compelling vision. The leader might generate the vision from themselves or source it from the team. How you get there doesn’t matter. What matters is that you see something that you want to create and it’s clear, compelling and meaningful to you (and your team if you have one).

Once the vision is set, the leader stands for that vision, plans for that vision, and enrolls others into that vision.

As time passes they need to notice what is and isn’t working, uncover the breakdowns, and shift the plan.

Role #2 – The doer or executer

Even if you’re fully a CEO, some of the work you do will be as a doer or executer

The job of the executor is to do the best job they can, based on their current understanding of the strategy and requirements that have been set forth by the vision.

If they run into problems they need to note and report them. They might come up with creative solutions, ideas for trying new things, and even lead their own efforts inside the context of doing.

They can still have the being of a leader and be standing for something, but their focus in this role is on executing based on what has been decided by the leader or the group.

Two Person Team: Final Thoughts

The problem SO many CEOs, start-up founders, freelancers, small business owners, and coaches face is that they try to do both of these at the same time.

They decide to try a strategy of reaching out to potential clients who might want big projects to boost revenues.

They do a few phone calls, ask for referrals, and they get a couple of no’s. Because it’s hard to hear No’s they start to doubt the strategy. They think well maybe I should just go after some smaller clients instead, so they switch to that, maybe they get a few jobs, but there’s not enough money and they realize that isn’t working. So they think about the bigger job clients again.

Pretty soon they feel discouraged, trapped, and uncertain.
But if they were two people or if they better understood the two roles (Leader and Do-er), this wouldn’t happen.

The salesperson might tell the CEO that they were getting some no’s and the CEO might ask about the number of calls or what kind of response they had gotten. They probably would tell the salesperson to keep going until they made 25 or 50 calls so they have enough information to see if the strategy was or wasn’t working.

The salesperson would keep going because they had the support of the CEO who was standing for the vision and focused on the information and feedback needed to make a good call.

The CEO may start to think of other strategies but would trust the salesperson to do the best job they could and learn as they went along, knowing that it takes time to test out any strategy.

The challenge is that we are NOT two people.

The doubts of the salesperson can become the doubts of the CEO and vice versa.
The critical eye of the writer can become paralyzing to the writer.
The fears of the coach can undermine the trust of the marketing manager.

This is why if you’ve got a job where you have to be in both roles, YOU’VE GOT TO LEARN TO SEPARATE THEM!!!

You can do this by trading off days.

On Monday I’m just a salesperson for my company. I’m going to get on the phone, or on my email and try to make it rain.
Then on Tuesday morning I’ll sit down with myself and do my best work.

You can do this by having different spaces.

I do my writing in my living room chair and I DO NOT EDIT.
I do my editing at my desk where I do my other admin tasks.

You can even try different outfits or hats (physical or energetic).

When I put on my dress pants I’m the CEO of my company and I’m setting the strategy.
The rest of the time I’m a worker on my team and I’m focused on getting the day-to-day done.

And YES I’m fully aware the two will bleed into each other in certain places.

That’s ok. The key here is to do your best to notice where your head is at and ask if it’s where it needs to be.

To do anything well you need both the vision and the courage to execute that vision.
But you have to remember that courage sometimes means staying the course even when it’s hard. And sometimes it means taking a hard look at the strategy even when you don’t want to admit it isn’t working.

 
by Toku on Mindset

Healthy Adult Relationships Are Boring: 5 Lessons You Need To Know

Relationships are supposed to be exciting.

And I’ve done exciting.

I had an illicit affair at a monastery. I bought an overnight ticket and showed up on a a woman’s doorstep with flowers. I’ve had sex in central park and on the long island railroad.

But despite all that excitement, nothing lasted. Except maybe the heartbreak and the stories. All of this has taught me that adult love healthy love isn’t really all that exciting, in fact it’s actually pretty boring.

Drama is for the movies

In the movies, romance is always exciting, but the love is rarely healthy or well balanced. When you watch movies pay attention to the background couples. The one’s going to work and making dinner, the ones the protagonist who can’t seem to get his shit together is always talking to.

These people are too boring for the main characters but they’re happy. They talk about their problems, they get along, they love each other, without needing to overcome triumphant odds.

Hot sex is never the answer

Immature passion is fueled by conflict and tension. Adult passion is generated from commitment, love, and devotion.

There are adults who are boring and passionless, but it’s easier to create passion with some romance and creativity than it is to create healthy love from dysfunction and co-dependence.

You can have hot sex, but it doesn’t have to come at the cost of stability and love. In fact being able to talk about your desires and find excitement means more hot sex as your relationship deepens.

Things that work are smooth

Anything that works well is smooth, a bicycle, a car, a train, a relationship. Yes relationships are hard, and you’re going to have breakdowns. Knowing how to change a tire and talk things out is important.

But if the ride is always rocky and you can’t go a few days without a problem or a total blow up, that’s not workable. It doesn’t mean either of you are broken. It’s rare a breakdown is due to a single part, instead it’s usually the system that isn’t working.

If you can go to a coach or counselor and get it worked out, great. But be honest if it never was that smooth to begin with.

It’s probably your fault

When things don’t go well we like to point the finger at someone else, but more often than not it’s on you. Not because you’re the one who’s the bad partner, but because you’re not being clear about your boundaries, what you want, and how you’re really feeling.

It’s easy to make things appear good by not talking about anything, but that’s not healthy. You’re just waiting for time bomb to go off. If you talk often, things settle down, they get boring, then even your disagreements become predictable. It’s not perfect, but healthy love isn’t perfect either.

Get responsible, clean up your side of the street, and if they can’t meet you there, walk away.

Life is mostly about boring moments

90% of running a marathon is boring miles and steps. There’s 5% at the beginning where you start and 5% at the end which is somewhat exciting.

That’s basically how life is. I live a pretty incredible life. I’m nomadic. I hike over 10 miles every weekend. I do work I love. And most of my life is boring. It’s just the good kind of boring.

Finding simple joy in the small things is a cliche for a reason, because life is literally made up of boring moments.

Sure it’s nice to look for someone you can run off into the sunset with. But what if instead, you looked for someone you’d enjoy waiting for a bus with. Or someone you wouldn’t mind getting up in the middle of the night with? Or someone you could sit across from dinner and say nothing with? Not because you had nothing left to say, but because you didn’t need to say anything at all.

That sounds like the kind of love worth looking for.

 
by Toku on Mindset

Offering a No From a Masculine Perspective

The feminine doesn’t like to hear the word no. Or at least the feminine in me doesn’t. It can get bratty, resistant, and even a bit defiant. And yet the feminine longs for a strong no, a no it can’t shake or get past.

Recently I did some work with other men, one of the men asked me to take on a practice. I said no. I felt him fully with my heart, I loved where he was asking from, but I was still a no.

It was perhaps the most powerful practice I have offered another man, my complete honest and loving no.

For the masculine the no can feel quite powerful, you draw a line, you put it forth with aggression NAY ANGER, your no is furious, full or power, and solid.

Or the no can be plaintive, rejecting, longing for freedom and throwing no’s like daggers of resentment.

But there is another way. A way to offer the no with love and clarity. A subtle sense that there will be aggression or stand if need be, but for now the no is offered, with an open heart and a strong back.

For a long time I felt afraid to offer my NO this way. I either threw it angrily or flopped it out on the table hoping no one would notice. I’m afraid my no would make her leave, make him mad, and make me bad.

So I hid my no until it became ferocious until my NO was scary enough to be listened to.

Slowly I have learned to see the gift in the NO. NO and I love you. NO and I’m not making you wrong for asking. NO and I mean it.

This gentle loving line, this supple stand, the clear and powerful offering of a NO to the feminine. The feminine may not ‘like’ it in every case, but it learns to trust it. As I have learned to trust my own masculine more and more.

 
by Toku on Gold, Mindset

How To Be Free: The Three Types of Freedom

We all want a sense of freedom. The ability to do what we want, pursue our dreams and feel present to a life full of adventure and possibility.

But most of us have no idea what being really free actually means.

When I was a teenager being free meant doing what I wanted.

Freedom to stay out late, to date who I wanted to date, to keep my door closed, to drive faster than the speed limit, to skip the homework assignments I thought were stupid or that I just didn’t want to do.

For some people, freedom is just that. Not wearing a mask. Buying a fake vaccine card to get into a restaurant. Cheating on their partners and hitting on servers.

Sometimes their justifications are more complex but the desire to be free is the same. It seems juvenile because it is. It’s a juvenile idea of freedom dressed up in politics and business suits.

Most people who have developed some maturity and empathy see that this form of freedom is limited. The joy of doing what you want doesn’t last long and the pain you cause others isn’t worth it. But not all of us learn this.

When I got out of college and started paying my own way, freedom meant being able to live the kind of life I wanted.

It meant I could pay my bills, I could choose where to go to dinner, or where to go on vacation.

Part of why I started my own business was because I wanted more of this freedom. The freedom to choose when I worked and who I worked with. The freedom to change my location or to do list at will.

I sought the freedom of a particular kind of lifestyle, which while motivating also ended up feeling a bit empty.

But many people stay focused on this kind of freedom as long as their alive.

Part of the reason the great resignation has happened is that the corona virus destroyed the false trappings of this kind of freedom.

Without boozy brunches and business trips many of us started seeing that lifestyle freedom didn’t mean much unless we had constant freedom of movement and an endless supply of distractions.

Working a crappy job to pay for a decent vacation isn’t worth it. Sure losing the vacation made that become clear, but even when we could take the vacations it still isn’t worth it.

I came to realize how empty this kind of freedom was when I achieved more than most people do as a business owner. I consistently earn multiple six figures a year and live on a portion of that with ease. But I still wasn’t really enjoying life that much.

Which is how I stumbled on the third kind of freedom. What I call spiritual or energetic freedom.

It’s the freedom to be or become anyone I want. And I’m not talking about becoming an astronaut.

This isn’t about achieving some title or some state of mind. It’s about the ability to embody any energy the moment calls for. It’s about being able to be my darkness fully. It’s about being able to fully embody my sexuality and desire. It’s about being able to fully embody deep wisdom or deep foolishness.

This is the next level of freedom.

I touched this kind of freedom when I lived at a zen monastery for two years, but without the kind of lifestyle freedom, I craved.

It was only after achieving some of the lifestyle that I wanted that I was able to really see how meaningful energetic freedom really was.

Energetic freedom doesn’t depend on roles or status. It doesn’t depend on age or attractiveness. It’s the most generous kind of freedom, because it’s a freedom that allows you to respond moment to moment in whatever way serves the most.

And yet it’s a kind of freedom very few people talk about because it’s so hard to understand.

So many of the CEOs I’ve coached have achieved full lifestyle freedom but feel trapped in themselves.

So many celebrities live lives of glamour and wealth but seemed hemmed in by their own personalities and habitual ways of being.

At a time when so many of us still can’t go on vacation or return to our normal lives how are we supposed to continue to pursue freedom?

It’s time for us to pursue a freedom of being, a freedom that is accessible to everyone and helps improve the lives of everyone we meet. It’s a freedom that demands humility and practice, but rewards us with a flexibility of thinking and responding, unlike anything we’ve ever known.

If you’re ready for something new consider exploring what it would mean to let go of a fixed idea of who you are and embrace more of yourself not only to experience greater personal freedom and joy, but also so you can give more of what the world currently needs.

Which is people who are brave enough to stand up for something that comes from an authentic care for others and a willingness to not take things personally and instead do what most needs to be done.

 
by Toku on Poetry

I’m Losing

I’m losing the ability to see people as perfect women only gorgeous in my eyes men with the perfect way of being the idea that some version of me

will be seen as a perfect knight in perfect shining armor what I’m left with

is just us messy humans pooping and sweating getting older making mistakes trying to love one another and doing a piss poor job of it most of the time

us messy humans being scared with our pasts and history our reactions our wounds and anger

us messy humans trying and failing giving into temptation spending all day watching tv and polishing off a bag of chips

this world is made new in its messiness in its ordinariness in its boringness

I’ve never seen it this way without the rose colored glasses the streets have more homeless people your face has more pimples my body isn’t as thin as I would like

but in losing that layer of fantasy and dream I’m finding something new to fall in love with

a kind of love closer to my heart and the truth of what it means to be human this life is so unsatisfying even in the present moment and yet it’s more than enough so much more than enough

 
by Toku on Poetry

Can You Help Me Meet Myself?

Can you help me meet myself?
Because that’s what you said
That we could never hope that someone would meet us
Not fully
That we could only
In the slow tenderness
Of long nights
And long cries
Meet ourselves

And so
If we’re no longer looking

For an empty piece
For a heart to match our own
For a forever person
Because nothing is forever

All we can ever really hope for
Is for someone to help us

Pick up the broken pieces of the mirror
That we’ve been cutting our fingers on
For so long
That we don’t even remember what a hand
Not covered
In dried or wet blood
Feels like any more

Can you help me?
Pick up these fragments
So softly
That I no longer cut myself

And turning the image
Towards my own tired eyes
Red from grief
Full on longing
And a glimmer of hope

So I can see myself
As you see me
As my friends see me
With love
And understanding

Can you help me?
Reach through
This shard of an image
To touch my own hand
And feel the softness of my own skin
And the warmth of my own heart

Can you help me?
Meet the me
That will show up with love
And give it
Even when I’m certain I’m not worthy
Even when you’ve left me
If even it’s simply to go on a trip
Or to the bathroom
Or for someone else
Or for a destination beyond the beyond

Can you help me?
As I help you
Arms entwined
Each with our own jagged edges
Looking at ourselves

Until we look up and notice each other
Meeting those me’s
Together
And smile

 
by Toku on Gold, Mindset

You Don’t Know What You Want: Strategies for Uncovering Desire Hidden in Plain Sight

When I met Madeline she was already incredibly successful. She made more money than most of her friends, had a position with a decent amount of power, and had left a busy life in Paris to live in her dream city by the coast. But she was unsettled.

We were talking because she wanted to become a coach. Or at least that’s what she thought. As we spoke I learned a lot about her. Failed relationships. Boredom with her career. A pent up desire for adventure.

No matter what she tried, something was missing. She had just had her heartbroken by a gorgeous man and it left her questioning everything.

Again and again, we returned to a singular question. A question she struggled to answer.

What do you want?

In a world where our desires seem rampant, many of us still don’t know what we want. We look through pictures on social media and develop an anxiety that we’re missing out on life, but we forget to ask ourselves if what we think we’re missing out on is what we actually want.

Working full time as a coach over the last five years I’ve met all kinds of people. I’ve worked with a CFO from Nokia, the founder of a Marketing Agency in Peru, and a single mother in the UK.

Despite their diverse backgrounds, educations, and experiences they all had the same problem: none of them knew what they wanted. They had goals, ideas, and dreams. But as soon as I pushed them, as soon as I asked, what do you want?, I was met with a familiar look that conveyed a hidden confusion and doubt.

We’re out of touch with our desires.

Maybe it’s the endless opportunities we have. Maybe it’s the constant competition for attention. Most of us are out of touch with what we desire.

For a while, from secondary school to a few years after college graduation some of us are lucky enough to live out a parental script that offers a level of certainty. Get this degree. Apply for that job. Marry this person.

Before long though each of us wakes up wondering if it’s really what we’ve been working towards.

And the pandemic and economic crisis have only sped up this process. Over the past two years a lot of us have been questioning the point of our lives as we watch Netflix in our parent’s basement or zoom into another pointless meeting. And outside of work many of us are wondering why we pay high rent in a shut down city or why we’ve chosen friends who we struggle to connect with when we can’t go out for drinks like we usually do.

But even before the pandemic, this was an issue.

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Chasing our desires is born of privilege

Desire chasing is almost entirely a first-world problem. Your perceived options in life are often dictated by your class, race, gender, and education. But the problem of limitation exists for all of us. We all limit what we want to what we think we can have. So much so that many of us never really ask unbounded questions about desire. And when we do, the answers scare us.

You can begin to find out what you want.

But it doesn’t have to be like this. It takes courage. It takes patience. It takes humility. But you can begin to discover your true desires by asking yourself, What do I want? If I could have anything, what would that be?

And while you may have to ask a few times before you get down to what you really want, here are some things you can pay attention to as you begin to explore. ​

1) Ignore the status and wish lists

Often when I ask my client what they want, I get a Christmas list of desires.

A partner with six-pack abs, a seven-figure job, a penthouse overlooking central park, a Ferrari. There’s nothing wrong with these desires. Having them as goals can be motivating. But I’ve coached people who have some of these things. Most of them aren’t happier than you already are.

We think things, status, money, and power will make us happy. And up to a point, they can increase our satisfaction in life. It’s harder to enjoy life with few resources and options, but they rarely lead to the deep satisfaction you’re looking for. ​

2) Focus on the experience

What is the experience of life you want to be having? If you desire wealth is it because it gives you a sense of security? Freedom? An ability to say no? Or maybe the ability to explore the world?

Hidden behind most of our desires is an experience we’re craving. All the ‘stuff’ we focus on is really just a strategy for having that experience.

Sometimes this strategy works, but often it doesn’t. If you can get down to the experience you’re craving, usually, you can think of a variety of ways to create it, which gives you a lot more options as you move forward.

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3) Let go of old scripts

We’re taught to listen to what other people want first and then decide what we want.

That’s basically what school is. Choose from these five books. Take one of these two classes. Most of our lives we’re told to achieve based on the standards of others. But those standards often leave us extrinsically motivated and unsatisfied with life.

This is why I often help clients look at and examine what things they were told to desire growing up. These stories of scripts of success can give us clues to how we originally formed our ideas of happiness and satisfaction.

Sometimes these scripts are helpful in guiding us towards better choices, but just as often they trap us in a set of standards and ideas of success that don’t really resonate.

By looking at these scripts closely you can decide which ones to honor and which ones to sidestep so you can focus on what’s truly satisfying.

For our grandparents finding steady work and a reliable paycheck may have brought safety and satisfaction, but that may not be true for you today.

For our parents finding a partner and settling down to have kids may have given them a sense of purpose and home, but that may not be what gives us that same sense.

The purpose in examining these scripts isn’t to discard them, it’s to better understand the ideas and beliefs that informed our earliest life choices so we can either choose back into them consciously or discard them altogether.

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4) Accept some level of complexity and suffering

On a fundamental level, we all want to avoid suffering. This is a truth so old the Buddha and many other sages called it out millennia ago.

The thing we seek to be free from suffering varies for each person and even for different phases in life. When you’re young you might be certain that getting into your first choice college will guarantee your happiness. As you get older it may be finding the right partner. If you run a business it could be finding product/market fit, or even hiring the right team.

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But it seems no matter what you do and regardless of what you get or don’t get things don’t ever seem quite right.

That’s because life is complicated. Things are always changing and even getting what you want may not bring you the deep satisfaction you’re craving.

This is why even as you seek to create what you want, it’s important to remember that your desires and your receiving are incredibly complex.

Honor the complexity of you and your life and learn to appreciate that while understanding what you want can help you feel a sense of deep satisfaction and fulfillment, it’s not a panacea. It’s simply a guide post for living a life full of purpose and joy.