What is mindfulness? Archives

How I Reply To Social Media Posts I Don’t Agree With

February 9, 2021 By Toku

Anti-vaccination posts.
Anti-mask posts.
Posts about Bill Gates being a Lizard King
Posts that spread racist or sexist ideas

You see them all the time. You don’t agree with them. But what do you do about them?

This question comes up for me all the time. And each time I’m torn.

On the one hand, I know that allowing misinformation and bigotry to spread unchecked only makes things worse.

On the other hand, EVERY time I respond to one of these posts I get attacked, piled on, dismissed, or even worse I somehow seem to invite more conflict from both sides.

So what do you do?

To be honest, this is why I avoid commenting on posts I disagree with, but when I do I have found one way to offer a different perspective that seems to create the most space for people to connect around their shared values.

Here’s what I do:

1) Talk about your own experience – Instead of telling people they’re dumb or crazy. Simply share your own experience of you’ve grown and changed in your understanding.

For example, this year I bought a gun for target shooting. I believe in gun control and yet when I went to buy my gun I found the process frustrating. It seemed like there were so many loops to jump through and details to manage. But then I remembered that if I was angry or bent on violence all the steps and safeguards may have given me space to really think about my actions, it might have helped me calm down, and decide to not hurt someone I cared about. I get how annoying it is, but I’m glad we have laws that help keep us safe.

Now when I talk to people who are against gun restrictions I can share this experience. Not from a place of ‘guns are bad and you’re a violent nut for liking them,’ but from a place where I truly honor the desire to do something you enjoy and the frustration with laws that seem to get in the way of that.

By sharing your own experiences of how you relate to an issue, you make your opinions about you. You invite people into a story of your life, rather than creating a story about theirs.

2) Honor other people’s feelings – Often when we disagree with someone we discount how they feel. How can they be angry at immigrants? How can they be scared of something that’s been proven safe? How can they feel so reassured by false facts?

But even though they may have come to a different conclusion, their feelings are real.

SO when you talk to people honor their feelings. Express empathy with their desire for freedom, the longing for safety, their sense of unfairness, and then offer a new way to look at the same issue.

“I understand that you get angry at the thought that people who break the law might take jobs from law-abiding citizens, it makes sense, and I learned something the other day about immigrant labor that made me think differently about that.

“I understand that vaccines feel scary and that after hearing some people’s stories you feel cautious. When I hear those stories a part of me feels worried too.”

When you do this, you’re letting them know, ‘ You’re not crazy to feel that way’ and I have a different take on it. When you really hear people, you make it easier for them to hear you.

3) Don’t make other people wrong – Finally, if you can, don’t make the people you’re disagreeing with wrong. We usually do this by saying things like

“people who don’t wear masks are idiots” or “anyone who doesn’t get their kids vaccinated is a bad parent”

If someone is calling you an idiot or a bad parent, you’re not likely to listen to them.

So instead let them be who they are and simply offer an alternative point of view.

“I get that people who don’t wear masks care about their personal freedom, but for me, I realized that in this case, my freedom might hurt someone I love.”

“I can really feel the love anti-vax parents have for their kids. I care about my kids too and I’m scared they might get sick from some of the horrible diseases we have vaccines for. . . “

By understanding and honoring their intentions even if you disagree with their conclusions makes a big difference.

At our core, we all want the same things. We want our friends and family to be safe and happy. And while the strategies we use to get there might be different, the desire is the same.

Learning how to tap into this, is sort of like a magic spell. One that helps us connect with the deep humanity underneath opinions and points of view. If you can learn to come from this place consistently there’s so much that’s possible. ANd it’s this kind of deep compassion that our world needs now more than ever.

My Guest Post: 20 Ways Sitting in Silence Can Completely Transform Your Life on TinyBuddha.com

December 13, 2013 By Toku

I recently had the chance to share my experience of silence with Lori Densche the creator of TinyBuddha.com. The result is the following post that talks about the lessons I learned from sitting in silence and how those lessons help me every day of my life.

20 Ways Sitting in Silence Can Completely Transform Your Life

“Silence is a source of great strength.” ~Lao Tzu

For over two years I spent one out of every four weeks in silence. At the time I was living at a Zen Monastery and every month we would have a week-long silent retreat.

During this retreat we sat meditation in silence, ate in silence, worked in silence, and only communicated through hand gestures and written notes.

At first living like this was hard, but over time I learned to grow to appreciate silence. By the time I left I learned that silence was my friend and teacher.

What did silence teach me?

1. Satisfaction

I used to think I needed to watch TV every night. But at monastery I went without and discovered … Continue Reading

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Photo by Hartwig HKD

Minimalist Mindful Fitness – 5 Key Practices

June 25, 2013 By Toku

Minimalist Mindful Fitness – 5 Key Practices

(Avg. Reading time 4.5 Mins)

What the Hell is Mindful Fitness Anyway?
Recently I received this question from one of my readers:
“What activities and/or cues have you found to be most helpful in incorporating mindfulness into your clients’ activities? Walking, breathing, something more meaningful to each person? Do you have an activity that you tend to start with to introduce that concept?”

First off, I want to say this is a great question. Many people struggle with how to start practicing mindfulness and/or fitness with so many fitness options the possibilities can be a bit overwhelming.

So here is my
Minimalist Mindful Fitness Guide –
5 Key Practices to Get Your Started.

1. Intention –
The first practice I start with most of my clients is identifying their list of internal and external goals. We look at how many pounds they want to lose or how many miles the want to run, but we don’t stop there.

We also look at how they want to feel and what they think losing weight or getting in shape will do for them. By looking at their intentions first, they connect with deep motivations and a sense of purpose.

2. Journaling –
The second practice I recommend for all my clients is journaling. Many people trying to make a life change struggle with judgments, self doubt, and internal criticism. The purpose of journaling is to increase awareness without judgment.

I have my clients record a very basic journal of what they eat, what activity they do, and their state of mind. I also ask them to notice any connection between these three. Lastly, I encourage them to write down one thing everyday they are grateful for.

I do this before we start with any exercise or nutrition plan. Because I want them to just notice what’s going on.

Often without any prompting, they will identify ways they are sabotaging themselves or areas where they need to do some investigation.

Because this wisdom comes from within these revelations are much more powerful than anything, they’ve read in a book or heard from a trainer.

3. Habit Formation
Many trainers have a particular exercise regime or nutrition plan they employ with clients. But I believe the best nutrition and exercise plan is the one you will actually do.

The main problem with most diet and exercise plans is they demand too radical change too quickly. The main goal of the MindFitMove method is not to help you lose weight or gain muscle.

Let me repeat that again because I know it sounds crazy. The main goal of MindFitMove method is not to help you lose weight or gain muscle.

The main goal of this mindfulness based fitness approach is to help you create more awareness and then use that awareness to make different choices.

The first two practices help establish a baseline awareness. In habit formation we take that awareness and start making change a reality.

First, I find what that person likes to do and get them to do more of that. I believe that if it doesn’t fit smoothly in your life you won’t do it.

For example, I had one client who liked riding his bike so I got him to ride his bike up a steep hill 3 times a week. I had another client who lived next to a lovely park so I got them to walk and eventually jog in that park.

The hardest part of regular exercise is the regular part. By finding, a physical activity you enjoy or at least don’t despise. You vastly increase your chance for success.

4. Set the Stage
Once we’ve established baseline awareness and started creating new habits then we work with specific mindful fitness techniques.

The fundamental mindful fitness technique is creating an environment for mindfulness.

I encourage my clients to exercise outside, to exercise without the use of music, and to exercise with the intention to focus on their bodies.

These 3 techniques all help create an environment of mindfulness. And though they don’t require a ton of concentration. They do lay the groundwork for intense focus and spacious awareness.

5. Active Mindfulness – 4 Mindful Fitness Techniques
Once we’ve established an environment of mindfulness, then we use advanced mindfulness based fitness techniques to increase awareness and focus during exercise.

I’ve used these 4 mindful fitness techniques in my own practice as well as with my clients.

1. Noticing before and after –
At the end of your work out take a minute close your eyes and focus on how you feel now vs. how you felt before you exercised. This practice helps connect us with the ease that exercise can bring. It also tunes us in to any aches that may indicate any problem areas we need to work on.

2. Cadence –
Cadence is the rate at which your feet hit the ground when running, or the speed that your pedals turnover in cycling. When practicing with cadence we simply notice how it changes as we exercise.

Cadence helps us in two ways:
One. It helps us tune into our bodies natural rhythms
Two. Working to maintain a fast even cadence will decrease injuries and increase speed and efficiency.

3. Pay attention to sound –
The world is filled with sounds we never notice. But when we open our sense, we often find joy in the sound of chirping birds and the even pad of our feet on the trail.

In addition to enjoying our natural environment, sound can also reveal imbalances in our exercise form.

For example, I’ve noticed, as I get tired my footsteps get louder. Louder footsteps means higher impact and lowered efficiency. So, by working to run quietly I increase my speed and decrease the stress on my body.

4. Breath-
Breath practice often gives us cues about how we are approaching exercise and our life in general. No matter what the activity, noticing our breath can help us perform with greater skill and confidence.

In yoga, the breath helps us move the body in an even rhythm. In endurance events like running and cycling, our breath tells us when we are pushing too hard or moving out of sync. And in weight lifting, our breath not only helps us connect to movement, but also works to stabilize and strengthen our bodies.

Simply Amazing
There are 1000’s of books on fitness and eating, but most of them overcomplicate everything with complex theories and complicated techniques. What’s so amazing about these practices is how simple they are.

Using just these 5 practices people can make amazing progress towards establishing a mindfulness based fitness practice.

Mindful fitness isn’t about taking one model and applying it to everyone. It’s about establishing principles and then investigating how those principles apply to your life.

Because of that, no two people will ever approach mindfulness based fitness the same way. But it also means that this practice can adapt and change as you change. It can become an organic part of your own growth and that’s why it’s such an amazing tool for lasting transformation.

Thanks
Thanks very much to Kelsey for sending in this question. Kelsey has been one of my best and most loyal readers from the beginning of my blog. She is an awesome physical therapist and super cool lady.

If there is a question, you have please feel free to leave it below or email me and I’ll do my best to address it in one of my future posts.

Photo Credits

Eating with Gratitude: A Mindful Eating Thought Experiment (Audio)

May 19, 2013 By Toku

Paleo diets are all the rage so lets do a Paleo thought experiment.

Imagine you were a Paleolithic man or woman. It’s been a hard winter and your food supplies have been dwindled. Your young children are hungry, but spring has come late this year. Nothing is sprouting and the game hasn’t returned as it normally does.

The Search
You have been searching for food, but other than a few meager herbs, nothing can be found. You know that if you return home with nothing it will mean another day without eating.

Your youngest has been growing weaker. She’s been coughing and unable to rise from her mat. You know that if you don’t find more food soon she won’t make it.

p style=”text-align:Left;”>Feel the fear, the frustration, and the confusion at your situation. Feel the deep hunger in your own belly, which hasn’t been properly fed in weeks. You feel an ache not only for yourself but for your family as well.

Lost
Now imagine as you return home you become lost. You have never been in this part of the valley before at first, you are scared, but then you come across a tree.

On the tree are strange objects you haven’t seen before. You take one down and it smells sweet. You are unsure what to do, but you figure you have nothing to lose. So, you take a bite. The taste of sugary sweetness fills your mouth.

The rich grainy texture is a little sour, but you can tell this is food. You rush to gather as much of this new fruit as you can, eating as you go.

With your arms full, you head back the direction you came. And with each step, you know you carry hope for your family. Your heart is filled with deep abiding gratitude.

The Salvation of Food
For centuries, food was a blessing. People sacrificed to harvest gods and performed sacred rituals, but for most of us, access to food is an afterthought. Living in a modernized western world our idea of hunger is mostly abstract.

Even hunger that occurs on a diet is very different from the hunger brought on by starvation. Because of this, we have lost our sense of the struggle to eat that our ancestors fought with.

Wars have been fought over the same salt and sugar we buy at the grocery store everyday. But it’s hard to access that reality, because of the relative bounty that we live in.

So for this post I thought I would share a Mindful Eating exercise that helps reconnect us with our gratitude

Eating With Gratitude
[soundcloud url=”http://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/92698148″ params=”” width=” 100%” height=”166″ iframe=”true” /]

Interested in the Paleo vs Veggie debate read this awesome article by Matt from No Meat Athlete – http://www.nomeatathlete.com/vegans-and-paleos/

Talking Your Way Through A Mindfield

February 12, 2013 By Toku

Speaking In A Minefield
Speaking is like walking through a minefield blindfolded. We are so focused on ourselves we often fail to see that our words have blown up. Our meaning has been scattered to the winds but we are none the wiser.

Here are three communication mines we face, as teachers, students, managers, and employees.

1. Confidence
The correct amount of confidence is tricky. Have too much confidence and you lose connection. Have too little confidence and no one listens.

You have to be honest about what you don’t know. At the same time, you have to feel ok about your limitations.

When I work with my teaching partner in Yoga school, I notice that I’m most effective when I’m calm, but not cocky. Whenever I think I know exactly what to do, I lose her.

Confidence has to do with our ability to be aware and present. When I’m attentive and focused, I give clear directions.

Life is more than just knowing it all. Experience is great but only when it gives us more space to be present.

2. Projection
We usually project what we want to see. We miss all the things that make others unique. Without this data, we can never connect with them.

Nevertheless, I’ve found some projection is necessary for effective communication.

When directing someone into a Yoga pose you have to project your own understanding of the movements onto your student. At the same time, you have to hold an awareness of how your words are affecting their body.

This balancing act is present in all communication. If we notice our words losing impact it’s great to check in on how we are projecting and whether or not it’s working.

3. Frustration/confusion
As a teacher, my students don’t owe me anything. As a friend, employee, or even manager the same is true.

Having authority can lead us to believe we are entitled to be listened to. However, this attitude is rarely helpful.

Instead, we must try to make our communication accessible.

When I was working with my Yoga partner I noticed frustration arising when I gave a direction and she didn’t do anything.

She may have been following the instruction already. She may have not understood. She may have thought my directions were wrong.

Why she didn’t move doesn’t matter. My job as her teacher is to make my directions work for her. This asks me to I invite rather than command her to act.

In every situation, we should always work towards invitation. This has more to do with the attitude we bring than the words we use.

The key is remembering that we are indebted to our listener. They have given us their attention. We must repay this gift with the calm attention and clarity.

MindFitMove Practice
– Think of something you’d like to communicate to someone: A partner, friend, co-worker, student, or boss.
– Take a few minutes and write out exactly what you want to say.
– Then put this aside for a couple hours or a couple of days.
– When you come back too it read it out loud to yourself.
– Try reading it with confidence and then with uncertainty.
– Try reading it imagining their face in a scowl and then in a smile.
– Try reading it as a demand and then as an invitation.
– Then reflect of these tests and rewrite the phrase.
– Finally try expressing this idea to them keeping in mind the 3 mines you learned about in this post.