If you’re honest with yourself, you like complaining. It feels good to kvetch, to moan, to whine, to carp, and to grumble. You’re not getting what you want, BUT you can make it someone else’s problem. You can send the dish back, post a bad review, leave a crappy tip, and get your friends and family to agree with how the world has wronged you. 

But complaining rarely makes us feel better. Even when we’re right, even when the dish is brought back, complaining leaves a residue. One of entitlement, of suffering, of the idea that we are living in an unjust world. 

This doesn’t mean you should let people walk all over you. Or not speak up if they bring you chicken instead of beef, but it does mean that you should be present to the impact of complaining. 

So instead of jumping into complaint try these 3 questions:

1. What can I be responsible for? – How did I contribute to this? How can I clean up my side of the street? Maybe I misspoke, or maybe they misheard. Where can I find a place to own my part of this breakdown?
2. Will complaining about this matter? – My complaints will not make the flight leave on time, it will not change the weather, and it will not make a person who canceled plans want to spend time with me. It’s ok to have feelings, but to complain usually just makes things worse for me and others around me. I might be better off just accepting what is, feeling my feelings, and then doing what there is next to do. 
3. Do I need boundaries and/or communication or a complaint? – If someone isn’t treating us with respect or love, would you be better off complaining or setting a boundary?

 If your friend keeps canceling plans, why not talk to them about it? If your parents keep nagging you about when you’re going to settle down, why not ask them to stop? Often we use complaining as a way to get by, when really what we need is to face our challenges head-on. 

And what about complaining for the fun of complaining? Well, I get why it’s fun, and I’m not suggesting that you try to never complain again, instead my offer is to reflect on what’s behind your complaints, connect with the feelings you have, and accept what there is to accept, change what you can, and try to find a way to be grateful for the goodness life has given you.

We say we want to improve only to find ourselves back in old habits and ways of being wondering how we ended up here.

Recently I’ve been working on improving my Spanish and I find myself struggling. I do pretty well for a while and then a waiter will say something I’ve never heard before, a new accent will make the words tricky to discern, or the speed of someone’s speaking overcomes my ability to translate in my head. 

In English, I have a sizeable vocabulary, I can write poetry, make metaphors, and even make clever puns. In Spanish, a 3rd grader has a more advanced vocabulary than I do. I celebrate navigating the grocery store. I rejoice in understanding simple sentences. 

The experience is humbling and it’s HARD. But I’m committed so I keep going. 

This is no different than what it takes to improve your leadership or get better at communicating. You don’t know the vocabulary of good leadership, you don’t know how to navigate listening to people when they talk. 

You have an old language you’re familiar with, a mother tongue of habits and skills you’ve relied on to get you to where you are. 

But in order to learn a new language, to improve as a leader, to serve your team and vision in a new way, you have to let yourself be humbled, to slow down, and to be willing to look foolish and make some mistakes. 

Otherwise, you’ll just end up speaking your old language and never discovering what a new place, people, or language can hold.

Sometimes leaders think that someone who disagrees isn’t a leader.

But this isn’t true.

You and I can both be on a hike together.

We can both be responsible for getting this small group to our destination.

We can both show up as leaders.

But if one of us wants to go to a different spot, then we’re no longer on the same journey.

We are leading but not together.

This doesn’t mean I’m a leader and you aren’t.

It doesn’t mean if I don’t convince you to follow me I’m not a leader and you are.

Two leaders can lead powerfully and still go different ways.

If you’ve got a great leader on your team.

But they have a different direction.

Get clear on what it is.

Inspire them to lead.

Even if that means it leads them out of your team.

A lot of my clients decry that there are no leaders in their companies. 

They wish people would take more responsibility. 

They wish they would take more initiative. 

But of course they quash any leadership they don’t agree with. 

Creating leaders is one thing. 

Empowering them to make choices is another. 

And letting them make choices you don’t agree with is something else still. 

If you want to create leaders that will follow you, you have to generate trust. 

You have to enroll them. 

You have to really hear out their points of view. 

Otherwise, they either won’t follow you or won’t be leaders. 

At the end of the day as a leader all you have is your instincts.

You might have data, research, a high level view, and some experience, but a lot of times it comes down to gut.

That can be hard to admit.

You want people to agree with you. To believe your arguments. To be right.

Because it feels like you’re being wrapped in data, information, and feeling of trust. 

But in truth you’re totally naked. You have some data and some experience but mostly gut. 

You think the customer wants this not that.
You think the market will go here not there.
You think that this feature will work better than that one. 

It’s ok to say: This is what I think, I might be wrong, but it’s what my gut tells me. I’m open to being challenged but I might go with my gut anyway. 

No one can argue with your gut.
They can challenge your thinking.
Challenge your data.
And it may change your mind.
You gut might respond.

But at the end of the day.
It’s your instinct.
You can be humble and choose it.
And be willing to sit with whatever shows up. 

This is my work. Though it doesn’t look like work at all.

Recently, I took a client out to the desert to talk about leadership, life, sex, purpose, the challenges of growing up, and what it means to increase your capacity. 

We wondered at ancient sandstone formations, shared deep secrets, and revealed our hearts and dreams. 

It was a powerful, intimate weekend that both of us will remember for a lifetime. 

This is why I’m a coach. Not simply to improve sales numbers, or increase team engagement, it’s to have life-changing conversations with people who deeply care about their lives and work. 

It’s not work you clock into and out of. It’s work you have to live 24/7, even when that means revealing that less than marketable parts of yourself. But that’s who I am. 

I’m not a 9 – 5 coach. I’m a 24/7 365 person who stands for possibility. And I ask my clients to be the same. No front or back of stage. All on stage. Being proud and intentional about what shows up. And humble and reflective when what shows up isn’t what you’re proud of. 

Why should we ask less of our leaders or of ourselves? 

If this is an adventure you want to go on. Let me know. And if not I hope it inspires you to take an adventure of your own.

Some companies hand our director titles like candy, but few really understand the distinction between a manager and a director. So here are some simple guidelines. 

Managers focus on doing things, directors focus on how things are done. 

To the manager, the day is filled with tasks done in a certain order. The focus is efficiency and a willingness to get in there and do stuff or help other people do stuff. 

To a director, the day is filled with understanding how things are done and how they might be done better. They are trying to make tasks happen but they are also looking at what should be happening and how it can happen better. 

Managers focus on projects, directors focus on visions

To the manager, the project is the largest unit of focus. The work needs to be divided up, procedures need to be followed, and people need to be motivated. 

To the director, the vision is the largest unit of focus. This is how things could be. Let’s figure out how to get there. The vision may be their own or part of a larger vision or work in coordination with several other visions, but it’s not just about doing the work it’s about changing the way things work. 

Managers focus on small time scales directors on larger ones

Managers focus on the next 7, 30, and 90 days. They live in the week month and quarter. They manage priorities, they motivate people, and they keep things running on time. 

Directors focus on the next 30, 90, 365, and 1800+ days (5 years) They live in how things will shift in the future. They see over the horizon to what’s coming and they make decisions that will shape what that future is. 

In truth, anyone can be a director. The hardest part is the shift in focus and the shift in identity. If you’ve been a trusted team member for a long time and you’re great at getting things done, learning to shift into thinking about how things happen and what’s coming next is a challenge. 

You no longer get as much done. At least not in the way that you used to. Instead of doing, you create. Instead of managing, you envision. It’s a leap beyond a simple upgrade in skills and it’s a powerful one if you have the courage to make it. 

In the book Thanks for the Feedback, the authors talk about how most of us receive feedback. 

Someone gives us feedback overtly “You’re giving too many details in the all-hands meetings” or covertly [You interrupt your director and they sigh and cross their arms], and then we filter it for if we agree or disagree with what’s been said. Often we disagree or disagree in part and dismiss the feedback outright. 

A lot of leaders listen to everything this way. 

Do I agree or disagree

• with that choice
• with this assessment
• with this response to a customer
• with this response to a developer
• with this feature choice
• with this order of priorities

The result is often that the leader is always right. And I can assure you it’s not fun to work for a leader who is always right. 

A better way to listen to feedback is to ask:

• Where are they right? 
• or
• What exactly is the feedback I’m getting right now? 
• or
• If they want to be good at their work why would they choose or respond like that? 

If you assume benevolence and then seek for the gold you just might find some. 

And if you discover that the feedback is malicious or the choice careless you can always adjust your response as needed.

This isn’t about manipulating people. It’s about understanding where you have power in the world and in your relationships. 

Leaders tend to think people will agree with them if they’re right, or if they predicted the future the last time, but while this may get compliance it rarely leads to enrollment and enthusiasm. 

You’re much more likely to get people to follow you if you can learn what they care about and speak to that directly.