What I’m Creating (So I remember)

Love for myself
– Even when I’m alone
– Maybe even especially when I’m alone
– Even for the parts of me I’d rather not see or know or share about
– Maybe even especially for those parts

Depth of Practice
– Standing inside my practice fully and completely
– Choosing my practice and putting my whole life behind it
– Even when I don’t want to keep going
– Maybe even especially when I don’t want to keep going
– Learning to be ok with everything
– Learning to be ok with being lonely
– And horny
– And sad
– And hopeless
– And angry
– And lost
– And happy
– And content
– And bored
– Maybe especially learning to be ok with being bored
– Learning to be ok with things so I can be easier being around
– As well as easier for myself to be around me
– Maybe even especially for myself to be around me

To Become a Man
– A man others can count on and rely on
– When things are good or when things are tough
– Maybe even especially when things are tough
– Not just a man, but a man who shows up with heart, and love, and gentleness, and fierceness
– Not some other man, but who I am as a man
– Maybe even especially who I am as a man
– The kind of man other men can count on to be their brother
– The kind of man a woman can count on to hold her through all the sunny days and storms
– The kind of man a child can count on to stand for them and care for them and accept them
– The kind of man who can count on himself
– Maybe even especially the kind of man who can count on himself.
– The kind of man who’s own inner children and past versions can love and respect
– A man who makes art with his life
– Even if his life is not how he’d like it to be
– Maybe even especially if his life is not how he’s like it to be

I do this to remember that time by myself is precious. TIme to fully be with me and love me and penetrate all my feminine moods fully and completely with my own deep loving. Time to learn and discover and struggle and push and relax and feel all the ways I want to stretch into the world. I am not merely spending time by myself as I wait for someone. I am spending time with myself as I become myself and as I learn who myself truly is. For whether I’m alone or partnered I will always have to be with myself and to be with myself in love is of the highest calling.

This is why I am doing this for myself.

But I am also doing this to create a relationship with the feminine
And not just any relationship.

An incredible relationship
– Relationship as transformation
– Relationship as spiritual practice
– Relationship as a clearing for love, and joy, and friendship, and possibility
– Relationship as simplicity and happiness
– Relationship as a stand for expecting the best and getting it
– Not by complaint or suffering
– Not by pushing each other or driving each other mad
– But by loving each other, being humble enough to do our own work, and trusting the mirror that is our partner, when we are unwilling to see ourselves

Incredible sex
– Being fucked and fucking god
– God and goddess fucking
– Fun, playful, experimental sex
– Sex that heals
– Sex that lightens the load of life and opens space for pleasure in the world
– Sex that brings us closer together
– Sex that is simply fun, because fucking can be fun
– Sex with our broken hearts
– Sex to make a baby
– Sex when there simply isn’t time for it
– Sex because we know it matters even if we don’t totally feel like it at first

Family
– Two people with a shared culture
– Learning to love where we came from
– Even when where we came from drives us mad
– Maybe especially when where we came from drives us mad
– Three people, one a baby
– Losing ourselves in the spiritual practice of parenthood
– Making all the mistakes
– Teaching love through loving
– Letting go of all control
– Trying so hard to do it right and remembering how futile it is
– Falling in love with each other as parents
– Falling in love with myself as a parent
– Falling in love with a child again and again
– Even when they break my heart
– Maybe even especially when they break my heart
– Maybe another baby (or two?)

Life
– Taking trips to places we haven’t been
– Losing people we love
– Cooking new kinds of food
– Even when the recipes turn out bad
– Maybe even especially when the recipes turn out bad
– Inside jokes that no one will ever get
– Time with good friends
– Hard times with good friends
– Maybe even especially hard times with good friends
– Living in a home
– Making it our own even when we disagree with what our own should look like
– Maybe even especially when we don’t agree
– Owning pets that we will outlive
– Being with the loss of tiny beings of light
– Learning something new together
– Forgetting things together
– Wishing that it weren’t so easy to forget
– Learning anyway
– Maybe even especially learning anyway
– Losing ourselves to old age
– Maybe one of us dying suddenly
– Not knowing when we’ll die
– Having that as a reminder, to be here with one another, to spend time listening to the trees, to spend time slowly drinking water from a cool glass with sweat dripping down the edges, kissing just to kiss, finding new ways to tussle and dance with one another, learning to accept what is unacceptable and love what is unlovable, mostly in ourselves

This is what I’m creating. By letting go of not this. By spending 9 months by myself. By choosing to let go of knowing how this is going to get created. I offer this to the divine feminine, the divine masculine, to the empty space of the one bright mind.

I sacrifice my vision on the altar of your knowing. And I pray for the strength, the love, the courage, the humility, the willingness, the guidance, the support, and the grace to create it.

I sacrifice it knowing that I can’t possibly create this by being clever, by doing it right, or through any plan of my own.

I sacrifice it as I sacrifice my own life. To nothing at all. But what I choose. And how I choose to back my choice up with my life. I sacrifice it to the hopelessness that this will free me from suffering. Or change anything about how the world works.

I sacrifice it. And let the blood drip into my dreams and sleep. I put myself on the altar and leave a space open for who will join me even if the space remains empty forever. I let go of knowing. I try to know. And I let go again.

This is what I’m creating (So I remember)

Love,
Toku