mindful fitness Archives

How I Reply To Social Media Posts I Don’t Agree With

February 9, 2021 By Toku

Anti-vaccination posts.
Anti-mask posts.
Posts about Bill Gates being a Lizard King
Posts that spread racist or sexist ideas

You see them all the time. You don’t agree with them. But what do you do about them?

This question comes up for me all the time. And each time I’m torn.

On the one hand, I know that allowing misinformation and bigotry to spread unchecked only makes things worse.

On the other hand, EVERY time I respond to one of these posts I get attacked, piled on, dismissed, or even worse I somehow seem to invite more conflict from both sides.

So what do you do?

To be honest, this is why I avoid commenting on posts I disagree with, but when I do I have found one way to offer a different perspective that seems to create the most space for people to connect around their shared values.

Here’s what I do:

1) Talk about your own experience – Instead of telling people they’re dumb or crazy. Simply share your own experience of you’ve grown and changed in your understanding.

For example, this year I bought a gun for target shooting. I believe in gun control and yet when I went to buy my gun I found the process frustrating. It seemed like there were so many loops to jump through and details to manage. But then I remembered that if I was angry or bent on violence all the steps and safeguards may have given me space to really think about my actions, it might have helped me calm down, and decide to not hurt someone I cared about. I get how annoying it is, but I’m glad we have laws that help keep us safe.

Now when I talk to people who are against gun restrictions I can share this experience. Not from a place of ‘guns are bad and you’re a violent nut for liking them,’ but from a place where I truly honor the desire to do something you enjoy and the frustration with laws that seem to get in the way of that.

By sharing your own experiences of how you relate to an issue, you make your opinions about you. You invite people into a story of your life, rather than creating a story about theirs.

2) Honor other people’s feelings – Often when we disagree with someone we discount how they feel. How can they be angry at immigrants? How can they be scared of something that’s been proven safe? How can they feel so reassured by false facts?

But even though they may have come to a different conclusion, their feelings are real.

SO when you talk to people honor their feelings. Express empathy with their desire for freedom, the longing for safety, their sense of unfairness, and then offer a new way to look at the same issue.

“I understand that you get angry at the thought that people who break the law might take jobs from law-abiding citizens, it makes sense, and I learned something the other day about immigrant labor that made me think differently about that.

“I understand that vaccines feel scary and that after hearing some people’s stories you feel cautious. When I hear those stories a part of me feels worried too.”

When you do this, you’re letting them know, ‘ You’re not crazy to feel that way’ and I have a different take on it. When you really hear people, you make it easier for them to hear you.

3) Don’t make other people wrong – Finally, if you can, don’t make the people you’re disagreeing with wrong. We usually do this by saying things like

“people who don’t wear masks are idiots” or “anyone who doesn’t get their kids vaccinated is a bad parent”

If someone is calling you an idiot or a bad parent, you’re not likely to listen to them.

So instead let them be who they are and simply offer an alternative point of view.

“I get that people who don’t wear masks care about their personal freedom, but for me, I realized that in this case, my freedom might hurt someone I love.”

“I can really feel the love anti-vax parents have for their kids. I care about my kids too and I’m scared they might get sick from some of the horrible diseases we have vaccines for. . . “

By understanding and honoring their intentions even if you disagree with their conclusions makes a big difference.

At our core, we all want the same things. We want our friends and family to be safe and happy. And while the strategies we use to get there might be different, the desire is the same.

Learning how to tap into this, is sort of like a magic spell. One that helps us connect with the deep humanity underneath opinions and points of view. If you can learn to come from this place consistently there’s so much that’s possible. ANd it’s this kind of deep compassion that our world needs now more than ever.

You Are Wrong About Freedom

January 5, 2021 By Toku

I talk to a lot of people who long to be free. They want to express themselves, travel the world, live in the moment, go with the flow, and experience life as a boundless possibility.

I get the desire for freedom because freedom seems to offer so much possibility. And a lot of other things we want have the promise of freedom wrapped up in them.

Wealth is really about the freedom to buy any experience or item you want. Attractiveness gives you greater freedom to choose partners. Confidence gives you the freedom to take risks and be yourself.

But even though freedom is compelling I found that people who seek freedom rarely achieve it. Because . . .

When it comes time to do work, they don’t feel like it. When it comes time to invest energy into a big project, their doubts arise. When a relationship is challenging, they’re looking for the exit.

But the missing piece in all of this is the freedom to commit.

If freedom is all about the ability to choose what we want, then having the ability to NOT exercise our freedom is an integral part of that ability.

I’d say it’s at least 50% of freedom and it may be the most important half.

How we relate to commitment –

Often the way we relate to commitment is that it’s a trap. It’s something we say we’re going to do, a person we promise to be with, a project we’re going to complete and then immediately we feel the restriction of that.

What a moment ago was a choice, now is a prison.

Many of us have felt the burden of the commitments to school, a partner we no longer love, or a project we don’t really care about anymore. This burden can make us feel like commitment is never a good idea and always a trap.

But this is a very basic understanding of commitment.

If you look up various definitions of commitment you’ll read words like dedication, and engagement. But you’ll also read words like obligation and restriction.

Both are parts of what a commitment is, but what makes the biggest difference is how we relate to our commitments.

If you choose to take your commitment and turn it into a parent. Into a thing that is oppressing you.

That’s how it will feel. And then freeing yourself from that will feel liberating.

I made a commitment to work. But work feels hard. I’m afraid my writing, coaching, or whatever will be bad.

So I’ll rebel. It will be like a kid when I snuck a cookie from the jar. It will feel so good.

Except when you do this over and over again, you’re not free.

The freedom you’re creating is an illusion.

You built a prison and escaped from it.

But the cycle repeats again and again.

The path out.

The pathway out of this is to make a commitment. Not as an obligation, or should, but as a choice from a part that is deeper than the part that seeks a sort of false freedom.

When you do this you may actually experience a whole new kind of freedom. The freedom of commitment.

At the monastery, I never had to decide when to wake up. That freed me up to focus on practice, to be engaged with my life. I was free from that choice because of my commitment. Some mornings I love it, others I hated it, but the freedom was there either way.

Part of why I ask for a minimum of 6 months of commitment in my coaching is the freedom that it offers.

We’re not wondering week to week if we’re doing this. We’re here. We’re in. Stuff will come up, but we’ll face it together.

For me, that offers a very deep kind of freedom. A kind of freedom that is only possible on the other side of commitment. It took me a long time to learn this and it still shows up from time to time.

I don’t want to write when I said I would. I wonder what it would be like to be with someone else when I’m in a relationship. I dream about having so much money I wouldn’t ever have to budget or plan I could just get what I wanted.

But when I look at people with a lot of wealth, or fame, or beauty. Not many of them seem really free to me. In some ways many of them seemed the most trapped of all.

I’ve learned to understand that while the first kind of freedom feels good in the moment, over time the freedom commitment offers is even better.

It’s the freedom to choose and be with my choice. It’s the freedom to be with the hard parts of life without needing it to be different. It’s the freedom to find new ways to empower what’s happening and truly live in the present moment, even when that present moment is challenging.

So for me, there’s no freedom without commitment. Not random or obligated commitment. But the kind of commitment that comes from a place deep inside of me.

The Past and Future of MindFitMove

February 26, 2015 By Toku

Over the last 2 and half years I’ve been writing this blog all about how to live a more mindful life.

At first the blog was focused on exercise and mindfulness. Then I sort of stopped writing about exercise, mostly because I lost interest in it myself, and the blog became a general mindfulness blog. Even more recently I shifted my focus to teaching you to use mindfulness to create lasting happiness.

But during the 30 Day Happiness Challenge I realized that as interested as I am in happiness, it’s not really what I want to write about. I met so many of you struggling with depression and anxiety. I heard your pain and wanted to help, but I felt stuck, because I’ve never dealt that much with depression and anxiety.

Yes, I’ve had times of depression and have felt fear, but it’s not the same as what many of you have experienced, and I felt a bit at a loss. I wanted to help, and I think mindfulness can help, but I’m not sure it’s my mission. I’m not sure it’s the work I’m called to , and I know I have to listen to that.

So over the past few days and weeks I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching about what I want to write, who I want to write for, and the change I want to make in the lives of my readers. And as I did this soul searching I realized that while I love this blog I need to make a change.

I need to let go of this vehicle that carried me up to this point and create something new that speaks to work I’m being called to do.

What does that mean?

It means is that within the next few months I’m going to be retiring the MindFitMove blog and domain to launch a new blog and site around my more clearly defined mission and identity.

It also means I’ll be shifting the focus of my blog slightly to fit into this new container. I’m doing this not because I’m bored with what I’m doing now but because I want to be true to the mission I’ve grown into.

In addition to a new focus, here are some things I’m going to commit to as I make this shift:

More Consistent Posting – Right now I post MindFitMove kind of at random. I try to do two posts a week, but I haven’t been solid on that. I want to be 95% consistent on my new blog by posting every Tuesday and Thursday without fail. This way you’ll know what you can expect from the blog and from me.
Post In Your Mail – I used to put my posts in my emails to the list and I stopped this, because someone told me it was good marketing. I’m going to return to this format so that you don’t have to click on my site to read the post. Instead you can read them straight from your email. I’m doing this, because I want to make the process of reading as easy as possible for you.
More Research – I’m going to start doing more research for the blog so that the posts aren’t just stories but have some scientific meat behind them. I want to give you more than anecdotes and real substance along with a sense of humor and my own vulnerable experience.
More specific topics – I’ve covered a lot of ground at Mind Fit Move, and this made the blog hard to follow. With my new blog I’m going to focus on just a few areas. Right now I think I’ll be writing about personal and professional performance. Specifically how to improve your relationships, your work, your mind, and live the life of your dreams. At least that’s what my thoughts are right now, but of course this will change as I work to define my new direction.
Simpler cleaner design – I’ve been dragging my feet on paying someone to design a site for me and I’ve decided I need to bite the bullet and spend the money. It will cost me a bit up front, but I know it will improve the readability and loading speed of the site. My hope is that a better design will make the experience of reading my blog and using my site more enjoyable.
More Joint Ventures and different kinds of content – I’d like to connect more with other amazing bloggers to bring you more types of content including videos and challenges. I also want to create some simple home study courses you can use to help work on specific area’s you’re struggling with. (Note: This is probably 24 or more months out)
A whole lot more
– One of the things I know this renewed focus will help me do is have more engagement with my readers and provide content that changes lives. It’s been a hard choice to retire the name and brand I spent so long creating, but I know in my heart it’s time to move on to something simpler and more in line with my work.

Final Thoughts

For now nothing much will change. I’ll still be posting on this blog regularly and the site will still be up. In fact it will likely take me longer than a couple months to make the change to the new site. Having said that I want to let you all know I have been and continue to be very grateful for your support and honesty.

So many of you have shared your lives with me and I’m honored that you let me share mine with you. It has been a great pleasure writing this blog for all of you and I hope that if you continue to enjoy my writing, then I can count on you to support me through this period of transition.

Thank you for being the most amazing readers anybody could ever have. I might be biased but I think you all rock an overwhelming amount.

Toku

The One Email You Should Write Everyday

March 24, 2014 By Toku

The One Email You Should Write Everyday

About a year ago I watched a TED talk that outlined some very simple things you could do to make yourself happier. Some of them I had heard before, like exercising and meditating. But one idea that stuck out was when they encouraged everyone, to do one daily good deed, by sending out a nice email every morning.

Instantly, I loved the simplicity of this idea as well as its ritualistic nature. How often do we get so caught up in our own affairs and forget to reach out to the people who make our lives better?

And so, for the past six to nine months I’ve been writing at least one nice email everyday.

Some of the emails have been simple thank you notes to people who were nice to me. Some of them were to old friends to let them know how much they meant. And some of them were to people who I thought needed to hear something nice.

But each email changed the way I saw the recipient, as well as the way I saw myself. Here are some things I discovered about the practice of sending one nice email a day.

Writing Nice Emails Is Easier Than You Think

One thing that amazed me was how easy nice emails are to write. When I started this practice, I was worried that my emails would seem forced. That I would come off sounding inauthentic. And that people wouldn’t take me seriously.

But I found as I started to write my heart would step forward and I would able to write with sincerity.

I realized we don’t have to go far to find admiration for the people in our lives. Instead I found that again and again, I was inspired by all the amazing, kind, beautiful, smart, and talented people I’ve been blessed to know.

People Appreciate Small Gestures More Than You Realize

Often not long after I hit send I’d receive a reply telling me how much my email had meant.

One reply I received was from an old teacher who told me my email had come at a moment when he had been doubting his choice of profession. Another came from an old friend who told me they had been facing some hard times I had known nothing about.

And while I didn’t write the emails so people would thank me, each reply made me so blessed to have been able to offer kind words to others in their time of need.

You Don’t Realize How Much You Mean to Others

While I didn’t send these emails so that other people would appreciate me, I did receive many kind emails in return.

Best of all, their replies reveled qualities in me that others admired, but that I’d never considered a strength.

The emails I got in return helped me to really absorbed the compassion of others. And to see how our lives often touch others in mysterious ways.

And while it’s totally fine when I don’t get a reply. The bounty I did receive far outweighed the cost of a few minutes of typing.

Being Kind is its Own Reward

Despite the personal benefits and kind replies, the best thing I’ve gotten from this practice is a more positive outlook. Everyday I remember to write an email I find that it’s harder to be grumpy or sad. Plus it’s changed the way I look at the people around me.

Part of rediscovering deep admiration for everyone in my life has been to realize that everyone admires, inspires, and cares about each other more than you ever would’ve guessed.

How To Get Started:

The best thing about the nice email practice is how simple it is to get started.

1. Make a Top Ten List

Make a list of the top 10 people you’d like to tell how much you care or how much you appreciate. Pick people who’ll be easy and fun to write to.

Then every morning write a short email or letter to one person on the list. This short list will get you started and it’ll encourage you connect with old friends, acknowledge the people who have helped you, and get grounded in gratitude.

2. Select a Phase or Location of Your Life to Focus On.

After you finish your first list, it can be hard to know where to go next. I’ve found that if I focus my energy on appreciating one group of friends or one time in my life that it’s much easier to keep going.

When I first started writing nice emails, I wrote quite a few to my friends back in Nashville. I hadn’t kept in touch with many of them when I moved and I wanted to reach out and reconnect. Eventually I had written to most of my closet friends from my old how town.

By focusing on my friends in Nashville, not only was it easier for me to pick subjects, it was easier for me to connect with and remember all the things I loved about those friends and those times in my life.

3. Go All Willy Nilly

Eventually a day will come where you aren’t sure whom you should write to. When this happens I usually just go into my contact list or onto my friends page on Facebook and pick someone at random.

While this can be harder, I’ve found that by going on and looking with an open heart, I often find people to express kindness to that I might normally miss.

This method has helped me write emails to long lost college friends and even to fellow employees from jobs I can hardly remember. But each time I’ve been glad to realize how even these small players of my small life have had an impact on who I am.

Final Thoughts

There are so many things we can and do spend time on. And it can be easy to believe that sending a nice email a day is a silly or pointless exercise.

But what I’ve discovered is that despite all the Upworthy posts and the touching YouTube videos so many of us are starved for real personal appreciation.

And this simple act of sending a nice email not only offers a true blessing to the world, but it is one of the easiest ways to make everyday I little better.

So I invite you to try it. Close this post and open up a composition widow, and send a email to someone you love. Then come back and tell me how it went. I promise it’s an amazing way to begin your day.

My Instant Fitness Transformation

February 12, 2014 By Toku

Running in the City at Night

Tonight I went for a run on a soggy night in Portland and as I hit the waterfront I was struck by how beautiful the city looked.

The lights shone soft and smooth through the falling rain. The shimmering ground reflected patches of architecture that shattered as I stepped through them. And the whoosh of the cars joined the tiny pats of water falling on my hood to create a soundscape so subtle and familiar that I couldn’t help but smile.

As I ran, I realized that this more than anything else is why I exercise. Sure there’s the living longer, the looking younger, and the stress relief. But I get all of those things from exercise. There are only the ends to the exercise means.

The real reasons I exercise are the moments where my body and heart transport me to another place. Even when that other place is one I’ve been to many times.

You see, some people think that exercise changes your life because you lose weight or build muscle. But the truth is that exercise changes your life because the act itself transports and transforms you.

You don’t have to wait for the results because the results are instantaneous. In fact waiting for the results will only make you miss how everything change the moment you step out the door.

To me that’s what living an active mindful life is all about.

Instant Fitness Transformation

The key to this instant transformation is simple, but not always easy. All you have to do is:

1. Let go of results –

The results don’t come from the future, they come straight from your body as you move.

2. Let go of expectations –

easy or hard, each moment of exercise can bring a new discovery if you let it.

3. Let go of your image –

No matter what you do, your body will eventually fall apart. But this moment can be powerful, if it’s not about how you look.

4. Let go of imperfection –

Don’t believe people when they tell you you’re broken. Instead, listen to the truth in your heart that tells you you’re whole.

5. Let go of yourself –

The real transformative power of exercise comes when you get out of the way. The energy that flows through you is ancient and primal. When you become open to moving without it being about you, then you can truly access a place of amazing presence.

Invitation

I invite you to join me in changing our lives, not by running a hundred miles, but by running the next one with attention.

I invite you to join me in this present moment, whenever we get the chance.

I invite you to join me in exercising the power of your life.

Because exercise isn’t just the path. Exercise and the connection it creates to your body is the destination you arrive at over and over again on the journey to a more mindful and balanced life.