Waiting For Yourself

I’m almost 40, and by almost I mean I’ve passed my 39th half birthday by at least a little bit. Recently I’ve been wondering if I’m in the grips of a mid-life crisis. A theory, by the way, that I discovered doesn’t have much basis in science.

But still. . . I’ve been wondering a lot about what my purpose is, about whether or not I’ll fall in love again, and about what is next for my life and business. The kind of questions we all ask from time to time.

And the more I’ve thought about them, the more I’ve come to realize that I’m waiting.

I’m waiting for something. Not a love, not a new career, not a million dollars, not my big fancy life.

Instead, I’m waiting for myself. And I thought that I would tell you how to do it. So that maybe I can learn as well.

How to wait for yourself:

1) Be still – You are a wild, clever, animal. And you, unlike most people, know most of your own tricks.

So any move you make will likely cause you to become caught in some way. Which is why . . . if you’re going to wait for yourself, you must be still.

You can meditate, or spend time in nature, do tai chi, or learn to cook slowly with no music on, smelling the food as it blossoms.

However you do it, it starts with being still.

2) Let go – Not with drama or flair, but simply. The way you might let a remote fall from your hand as you drift off to sleep. You become so focused on the waiting that everything else simply falls away.

Some things will naturally fade, some interest in a hobby, maybe a goal you had at work, or even some long-held dream.

As it fades, let it go. Gently.

3) Forget – Forget who you think you are. You have practiced this story of you over and over again. And that story has the same ending. The story is about your life not working out, or working out in a particular way.

So just forget it. It may turn out that way again, it may not, a forgotten story never knows. You will try to remember who you are. You will grab onto threads of the past. See if you can forget.

4) Remember – Remember something about yourself that you can’t put into words. Wait from this place as much as possible. If you don’t understand what I’m talking about. focus on being still and you will remember.

5) Love – Love yourself, the trees, people around you, your fucked up life, your great life, your desire to doom scroll, your judgments about social media, you anger about the people in charge. Wrap your heart around it all.

6) Wait – Whenever you notice yourself not waiting, trying to decide, figure out, or fix, don’t. Just wait. Something is coming. You don’t know what it is, or who it is, but it is coming. Can you feel it?

The most important thing about waiting for yourself is to just wait.

7) Do something fun – As you wait, do something fun: read a book, paint a rock, learn a song, grow a plant. You don’t have to do nothing, just do something that aligns with waiting. As soon as you get distracted by something, remind yourself of your waiting.

8) Go outside – Look at the plants. Put your feet in a lake. Take a deep breath. You don’t have to wait inside.

9) Talk to people – One of the best things about waiting is meeting other people. Most of them are waiting too, and they’re just there with nothing to do but wait, so enjoy them.

10) Calm down – Whatever happens try not to get riled up. You will sometimes and that’s ok. You’ll get impatient, you’ll wonder what’s taking so long. But you’ve been waiting for yourself your whole life.

How long have you really been waiting for yourself?

Most people don’t even wait a day. So calm down. There’s plenty of time. And when you arrive, you’ll be there. And once you’re there you’re there.

It’ll be what you’ve always been waiting for. Quite literally.

There’s not much else to say other than, thanks for waiting with me. I hope you’ll stick around and wait some more.

Love, Toku