December 28, 2021 by Toku on Poetry

Is it enough?

Each day
Waking to a question in my mind

Is it enough?

This body
with some muscles and some fat
some wrinkles creeping in around my eyes
some part of me leaking out when I don’t want

Is it enough?

This life of making coffee
doing work I love
but making less money than other people make
and more than many do
having less fame then other people have
and more than many do

Is it enough?

The noise of traffic outside
a few plates in the sink
things mostly in their place
but clutter too

Is it enough?

A walk with friend to pick up dinner
talking about things we’ve talked about before
and yet enjoying the new curiosity on old pages

Is it enough?

Knowing the I’ll get old and die
well actually not knowing about the old part

Knowing it will be forgotten
all the laughter and angst

Knowing the earth is getting hotter
that racism is still a thing
that I don’t respect our leaders

Is it enough even though it’s never enough,
more days
I could handle anyway
more money
than I could spend
more life then
I have stomach for

Is it enough?
And what if it was?

July 27, 2021 by Toku on Skillset

How To Run A Meeting That Doesn’t Suck | Part 7: Final Thoughts

This is part six of a seven part series.
Read Part One Here.
Read Part Two Here.
Read Part Three Here.
Read Part Four Here.
Read Part Five Here.
Read Part Six Here.

Almost everyone I meet seems to think they know how to run a meeting. The startup founders I coach are convinced that their ability to guide a process is better than almost anyone else. The coaches I work with are no different, they feel their ability to listen and reflect makes them master facilitators. And yet consistently when I sit in on a meeting that one of my clients runs, I have to bite my tongue to hold back my suggestions and objections.

The truth is: MOST MEETINGS SUCK.

This is despite the fact that there are numerous guides, books, and outlines for how to run meetings. The real problem is that running a meeting is less about the mechanics (timing, agendas, talking sticks, conches, wands, etc) and more about the ability to be with people while also leading them with grace to a place THEY want to go.

So after running thousands of meetings and sitting through even more, here’s the skills you actually need to be successful.

Part 7: Final Thoughts

Being a great facilitator seems easy at first glance. You set up an agenda, guide a team or group through a set process, and then help them choose what’s next. But there’s so much more to it than that, especially if you want to be a world class facilitator.

Great facilitation demands that you learn how to lead without having most of the traditional trappings of a leader (CEO, Founder, Chairperson etc.) and without putting too much of your own ideas in the space (the way a consultant might). It’s a true test of leadership and coaching abilities, but mastering it is TOTALLY worth it.

Because if you do not only can you learn how to run groups that will change people’s lives, but you will also learn how to become a better leader, coach, and facilitator in your own life. These skills are KEY skills for any leader to master and it’s why many of my coaching and CEO clients talk about what they learn from watching how I run a meeting.

I assure you it’s not because my jokes are the best or I’m a great powerpoint creator. It’s because of who I choose to be in meetings and how I stand for the people I work with. That’s what’s possible. You can change people just by the way you run a meeting and you can also inspire them to be better leaders in their lives as well.

This is part seven of a seven part series.

Read Part One Here.
Read Part Two Here.
Read Part Three Here.
Read Part Four Here.
Read Part Five Here.
Read Part Six Here.

July 20, 2021 by Toku on Skillset

How To Run A Meeting That Doesn’t Suck | Part 6: You Have To Know How To Prep and Followup Like a Master

This is part six of a seven part series.
Read Part One Here.
Read Part Two Here.
Read Part Three Here.
Read Part Four Here.
Read Part Five Here.

The truth is: MOST MEETINGS SUCK.

So after running thousands of meetings and sitting through even more, here’s the skills you actually need to be successful.

Part 6: You Have To Prep And Followup Like A Master

A big thing I see many facilitators miss is the importance of preparation and follow up. I can’t even tell you how many inspiring mastermind sessions I’ve run or strategic plans I’ve crafted only to have people take no action and forget about all the dope work we did.

As a coach I know that 90% of the work happens in between the sessions. As a facilitator it’s no different.

PREPPING

1) You need enrollment from the key players – If people haven’t bought into the process the session isn’t going to go well. With a mastermind group this means making sure members are engaged from the beginning and that they stay engaged throughout the group’s lifecycle.

Since you’re the facilitator that means establishing relationships with each of them and having them get clear on what they are going to create for themselves and also offer to others. As the group goes on they key is to foster relationships between members which will keep everyone engaged.

For groups inside a business, the main relationship is between members of a team so you need to understand those relationships and make sure you’re seen as a neutral player here to help everyone meet their goals. And you’ll also need to make sure you have the buy-in from your main stakeholder(s) which is usually the formal leader (CEO or founder) and the person who hired you. Very often this is the same person but sometimes it’s not. You need to make sure you understand their expectations and concerns, because their buy-in is what will allow you to keep working with that team.

2) You need to set the context and create the structure for the session –

As a facilitator the structure needs to be informed by the context. Ideally the structure will be flexible enough to handle any breakdowns but rigorous enough to make sure the team or group reaches its desired goals.

Some of this is “best practices” but often it requires having real tough conversations about what needs to happen at each meeting. Either with the key players or with other facilitators who can help you craft the session(s)

Even with a mastermind group that has a set structure, understanding how to set context for the calls and make sure members are engaged and focused requires attending to structure and learning how to tweak it formally (by changing the agenda) or informally (by shifting the time allocated or the way the agenda is set up).

One example of this is that often in masterminds I’ve run, the check-in section becomes pretty rote. People start to say they’re feeling ‘good’ and that their businesses are ‘growing’, which isn’t very helpful for anyone else in the group.

So I regularly have to recreate the context of the check in. I’ve been known to ban the word Good for any part of the check in and to remind people that this is their chance to express what’s really going on in their internal world.

If you prepped well the team or group will be ready for the meeting. If not, you’ll have to spend valuable in person (or online) time to get everyone on the same page.

FOLLOWING UP

Following up is another key area that most facilitators drop. They send a brief summary of the meeting and wish the members well.

For companies I’ve found that quarterly check ups are the minimum to track how the team is doing on the plan and often I need to get reports from several departments to discover the real story behind the scenes.

For mastermind groups I’ve found that if you don’t check in on what happened in previous meetings the same problems tend to crop up again and again without really dealing with the underlying issues.

In either case a summary of the session is a bare minimum. Even better is a set of practices to engage in and a way for the participants to report back on what is and isn’t working. This way they can get support on what they’re struggling with.

In addition you need to make sure you’re getting feedback and input from your key stakeholders after the session is complete. If they have a complaint or a concern you want to know that right away so you can deal with it rather than letting it fester and impact your relationship, or even worse, the planning you’ve done or the trust in the group you’ve helped to create.

When you combine preparation and follow up, you will start to see that your role as a facilitator starts long before the meeting happens and may last long after it has ended.

Members of groups I’ve run often reach out to me for support even when I no longer work with their teams and businesses often hire me to come back and work with their teams on a regular basis because of how valuable that relationship is.

The big takeaway here is that facilitation is much more like a relationship than a one night stand. And you need to consider how you’re going to deepen that relationship before you meet so you can sustain it after the meeting has ended.

Stay tuned next week for the final part of this series.

This is part six of a seven part series.
Read Part One Here.
Read Part Two Here.
Read Part Three Here.
Read Part Four Here.
Read Part Five Here.

Check back in next week as we cover the final part of this series

July 13, 2021 by Toku on Skillset

How To Run A Meeting That Doesn’t Suck | Part 5: You Have To Know How To Generate Valuable Friction*

This is part five of a seven part series. Read Part One Here. Read Part Two Here. Read Part Three Here. Read Part Four Here.

The truth is: MOST MEETINGS SUCK.

So after running thousands of meetings and sitting through even more, here’s the skills you actually need to be successful.

You Have To Know How To Generate Valuable Friction*

The other side of people is their tendency to go along to get along. Most of the magic in meeting isn’t in coming to quick and easy agreement but by spurring people to think more deeply about the challenges, problems, and questions they’ve brought.

Which means as a facilitator you need to know how to create the kind of friction and challenge that leads to deeper thinking, better solutions, and more creative ideas.

To do this you have to be ok with conflict and the unknown, because those two things are what most teams and people like to avoid.

Here are some questions to consider: – Where does the group or person come to agreement too quickly? – What solutions are being overused? – What considerations are being avoided? – Where are people resigned to how things are? – What limitations have people accepted as unchangeable which are in fact changeable? – Where does possibility go to die on the team? In this person’s life?

Once you identify an area where a lack of conflict is limiting growth you can start to generate some good healthy conflict. The key to healthy conflict is you need both safety and challenge.

If you’ve done your work on the previous four points you’ve likely already created safety though it’s important to remember to make sure people are still being heard, that breakdowns are handled with grace, and that the issues are seen as issues and not personal battles to be fought in a public arena.

Then to create challenge you need to ask people to look at their underlying assumptions, to ask people to look beyond the most obvious solutions, and demand that people back up what they’re saying with evidence or at the very least some good reasoning.

Most facilitators only excavate the first layer of questions of possibility. The best facilitators encourage people to look at challenges from multiple perspectives, consider more creative options, and really look at the impact each option will have on the people involved.

To create challenge you have to learn to ask deeper questions and push people to think of more possible solutions:

Instead of asking – How could I do a better job of marketing my new course? Ask – What are all the ways I could market my new course?

Instead of asking – What offering do you think I/we should create next? Ask – What evidence do we have that indicates what our customers are looking for?

Instead of asking – Do you think we should hire a new assistant? Ask – What gaps are there in our current process? Could we cover these gaps with our current resources? What kind of personality is missing on our team? What will the real costs of hiring an assistant be? What are the costs of not having an assistant?

Of course creating challenges is more art than science. It requires a good facilitator to understand the context of the conversation, the assumptions that are hidden, and the possibilities that may exist. Once you have this sense of your group you will be able to challenge the group as a whole and each member of that group to do the hard work of thinking about the challenges that face them.

The key thing to remember is that friction is GOOD! so long as it pushes people to think beyond their comfort zone and deal with any elephants trying to hide behind a vague powerpoint slide or bullet point on a business plan.

This is part five of a seven part series. Read Part One Here. Read Part Two Here. Read Part Three Here. Read Part Four Here.

Check back in next week as we cover part six which is about preparing and following up.

Many of the ideas in this section are loosely based on ideas for creating debates from the book Multipliers.

July 6, 2021 by Toku on Skillset

How To Run A Meeting That Doesn’t Suck | Part 4: You Have To Know How To Deal With Breakdowns With Grace And Efficiency

This is part four of a seven part series.
Read Part One Here.
Read Part Two Here.
Read Part Three Here.

The truth is: MOST MEETINGS SUCK.

So after running thousands of meetings and sitting through even more, here’s the skills you actually need to be successful.

You Have To Know How To Deal With Breakdowns With Grace And Efficiency

Meetings would go much more smoothly if they didn’t have any people in them. Humans are funny, we take things personally, we dig into positions that don’t matter, and we bring our own set of fears and filters to everything we do.

But people are still the magic of meetings. Our kindness, our creativity, our empathy, and our ability to cooperate and collaborate gives us the ability to build giant buildings and perform beautiful symphonies. To be great at facilitating meetings you have to know how to work with people when they stop working.

At some point during your meeting there’s going to be a breakdown. Or more simply put, someone is going to get upset, repeat an opinion over and over again, try to move beyond a vague point too quickly, or something else.

When this happens you have to know how to work with it. If you can work with it skillfully then you can get the team back on track without stepping over or onto anyone in the process.

Here’s how I do it:

A. Identify that there is breakdown – is this normal helpful conflict or is it getting too heated? Is the team on track but thrashing or is it off track? Are you on topic or in a rabbit hole? How does the room feel?

Mostly you’ll feel breakdowns happen. It will seem like all of a sudden you’re in the weeds or that something has been said that is causing a strained reaction. Notice it and wake up.

B. What is the breakdown? – Is someone upset? Has someone taken something personally? Does some not feel heard? Are people taking sides?

Once you can tell something is wrong you have to work out what shouldn’t be or should be that is. You can do this by yourself or in the group.

“Hey I noticed the energy has shifted, does anyone else feel it? What’s going on here?”

C. Attend to the breakdown – You shouldn’t try to fix it, fixing a breakdown won’t solve the problem. First you just need to attend to it by putting your attention on it or the group’s attention on it. There are a couple ways to attend things I do.

The first is just listening – I’ll go to the person who is upset and say, “Hey I notice this topic has some energy for you. Can you tell me about that?” Then I simply reflect what they say. Many times this is all that’s needed to move on, since being heard is a simple need we all have.

The second is depersonalizing the issue – If the team is debating whether to invest in marketing or sales it’s natural that the head of sales will get invested. So instead I simply invite everyone to argue for why marketing should get the money and then I ask everyone to argue about why sales should get the money. This way the debate isn’t personal. It’s not about who deserves the money. It’s about the options and their value to the company.

D. Resolve the breakdown and move on –
This can be the hardest part for many people. When a breakdown happens we tend to either avoid the problem and hope it goes away or we hyper focus on the problem way too long.

Very often people aren’t going to be fully bought in on every choice the group might make. And not everyone will have wisdom for everybody else.

When a breakdown happens you need to attend to it, but then you need to move on. Often I’ll hear someone out, check in to make them feel heard, and then simply say, “Hey we need to move on now, is that alright with you?” They almost always say yes. The key here is I’m calm, present, and I ask their permission.

Don’t get lost in the breakdowns or you’ll play whack a mole forever, deal with what you can and then move on.

This is part four of a seven part series.
Read Part One Here.
Read Part Two Here.
Read Part Three Here.

Check back in next week as we cover friction.

June 29, 2021 by Toku on Skillset

How To Run A Meeting That Doesn’t Suck | Part 3: You Have To Know How To Track Four Things At Once

This is part three of a seven part series.
Read Part One Here.
Read Part Two Here.

The truth is: MOST MEETINGS SUCK.

So after running thousands of meetings and sitting through even more, here’s the skills you actually need to be successful.

You Have To Know How To Set A Context

A context is not an agenda or an outline of a meeting. It’s literally the space a meeting will happen in.

Setting a context is like laying out a field for a sport. In football you define the endzones and the yard lines. In soccer you define the goal box and the center point. These lines indicate something important about the game you’re about to play.

That’s what creating the right context is. Most facilitators draw a sort of vague box around the work that’s going to be done. And then hope people will play by the rules. But if the box is ill defined in structure, energy, and intent the game gets more and more messy over time.

Learning how to discover what the context is and then make sure you define it for everyone engaging is key. And you’ll probably have to learn to set it and then remind people about it as they go along.

Start by answering these questions: – What is this meeting for? – What is the desired outcome? – What is the current dynamic of the people involved? – Where do the current set of desires align and conflict? – What needs to be in the space in order for people to feel safe to engage and inspired to participate?

Some of these may be hard to answer. Ideally you can ask before the meeting but if not, take a guess. Having some idea of these questions will help you define how to move forward.

Once you have an idea of the baseline ask yourself: What am I committed to creating at this meeting?

This isn’t the outcome, it’s rather the space you want to create. Think like an interior designer might: How do I want people to feel in this bathroom?

And then work to set a context from that place. The context will include the purpose, but will also create a relational space. If you do a good job of this the experience will be both somewhat seamless (people don’t totally trip over what you’re saying) but it will also have an impact (they will pause for a moment and reflect or have a subtle reaction like a leaning back or taking a deep breath).

You can watch this happen in real time and it’s a worthy thing to see if you can create. A great context makes a great meeting and it like all the rest of these takes practice.

This is part three of a seven part series.
Read Part One Here.
Read Part Two Here.

June 22, 2021 by Toku on Skillset

How To Run A Meeting That Doesn’t Suck | Part 2: You Have To Know How To Set A Context

This is part two of a seven part series.
Read Part One Here.

The truth is: MOST MEETINGS SUCK.

So after running thousands of meetings and sitting through even more, here’s the skills you actually need to be successful.

You Have To Know How To Set A Context

A context is not an agenda or an outline of a meeting. It’s literally the space a meeting will happen in.

Some of these may be hard to answer. Ideally you can ask before the meeting but if not, take a guess. Having some idea of these questions will help you define how to move forward.

Once you have an idea of the baseline ask yourself: What am I committed to creating at this meeting?

This isn’t the outcome, it’s rather the space you want to create. Think like an interior designer might: How do I want people to feel in this bathroom?

You can watch this happen in real time and it’s a worthy thing to see if you can create. A great context makes a great meeting and it like all the rest of these takes practice.

June 15, 2021 by Toku on Skillset

How To Run A Meeting That Doesn’t Suck | Part 1: You Have To Be Present

The truth is: MOST MEETINGS SUCK.

So after running thousands of meetings and sitting through even more, here’s the skills you actually need to be successful.

You have to be present

This is the MOST FUNDAMENTAL SKILL of any facilitator. Despite how obvious it is, 90% of the problems meeting facilitator’s face come down to their inability to be present.

This takes constant work if you’re facilitating a meeting. I mean constant. Very often when I’m running a group or a strategic planning session or a mastermind group I am working constantly to really be in the room and noticing what’s going on. It’s so easy to get distracted by the agenda or by one little rabbit hole in a conversation.

To be a master facilitator you MUST learn to be present and return to presence again and again.

But you have to train your presence. The first step in this is meditation with yourself; learning to sit and be with your breath, thoughts, and feelings.

The next step is learning to meditate with other people, processes like authentic relating or conscious communication can help.

Or you can simply start by meditating during your next meeting. All you have to do is in between moments of engagement lean back (mentally or energetically) and begin to observe the room.

What’s not being said?
Who’s saying the same thing again and again?
Who’s not talking for a reason?
Where are we in the flow of this meeting?
What thoughts and feelings keep occurring to me?

By returning to presence with each person as they speak as well as the group as a whole, often where to go next will be incredibly apparent.

This takes practice but the simple action of stepping back more often will immediately improve your facilitation skills. Even if you’re not running the meeting.

March 22, 2013 by Toku on Mindset

Adapt: The 3 Steps to Everyday Happiness

Fixed Ideas
Fixed ideas are the source of 90% of our suffering.

It goes like this:
– We get a picture in our head.
– Then we look at the world.
– We compare.
– We realize they don’t match.
– We get sad.
– We get angry.
– We get frustrated.

But it doesn’t have to be like this. We can learn to work with these fixed ideas. We can learn to adapt.

The Audition
When I was a high school senior I went in to audition for a play. I was sure I was perfect for the lead.

I had spent 4 years in the drama program. I had prepared for the part. I knew was going to get it. They owed it to me.

As the auditions progressed, I kept waiting for my chance. I read for a few other parts. But I wasn’t getting called for the lead.

All of a sudden the audition was over. I was devastated. I did get a part, but it wasn’t the lead.

You Don’t Deserve Nuthin’
Looking back, I realize I wasn’t right for the part. Even if I had tried out, I wouldn’t have gotten it. It just wasn’t me.

But at the time, it was hard. It was hard because, I had formed a fixed idea. I thought I deserved the part.

After I was over getting upset, I realized a hard truth. You don’t get something just because you think you deserve it.

It was a tough lesson to learn. But once I was able to let go of that idea, my life became much easier.

You can’t just flip a switch and get rid of all fixed ideas. But, you can learn to be more flexible, to adapt. And if you do you’ll be happier everyday of your life.

The 3 Keys to Everyday Happiness

1. Hold Your Preferences Lightly
Ever heard that story about the band that demanded a bowl of brown M&M’s at every show? Crazy right?

Yet, we all have our own version of this. Little idiosyncrasies that we ‘need’ to be happy. I once got into a fight over the proper way to load silverware into a dishwasher. (handles up and pre-sorted obviously)

The truth is unless it’s a food allergy you don’t need it that way. You just like it that way. It’s just one preference in a universe of preferences. You’ll be much happier if you learn to hold it lightly. Or even better let it go completely.

2. You Can’t Should’ve Done Anything
You can replay that conversation again and again. You’ll never be able to go back and say the right thing. If you need to apologize do it and move on.

Once it’s happened, it’s happened. Accept responsibility for your part and work to do better next time.

Don’t waste time with arguments in your head. Holding onto the past is not adapting. Look, learn, and then let it go.

3. When It All Falls Apart, Let It Go.
Yesterday, I got locked out of my partners house… twice. Both times, I left my computer at her house. So, I couldn’t get any work done.

I could’ve gotten upset, but instead I just took the day off. I did some foam rolling, took a long shower, and did a short tempo run.

It was a great day, because I accepted that I had no control over the situation.

If your flight is delayed, if your car breaks down, take whatever action you can and then relax. Worrying doesn’t speed anything up.

As the Dalai Lama Says “Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.”

MindFitMove Practice
1. Pick one preference, one small mistake, or one mishap to let go of.
2. Look for the fixed idea that you’re holding onto.
3.Realize that just because you think it’s true doesn’t mean it’s so.
4. Let it go.
5. Notice that you haven’t let it go.
6. Let it go again.

Let’s Talk:
What weird preferences do you have, that you have a hard time letting go?

Photo Credits

March 19, 2013 by Toku on Mindset

The Truth About Loneliness

Interdependence and Loneliness
As a Buddhist I have often been told we are all one inter-being.

We might imagine this as being different cells in the body of Dharma. Or perhaps even a subtle part woven into the machine of Karma.

Sometimes this idea seems perfectly inline with my human experience. Sometimes it seems in conflict with it.

The Monastery
I lived at Great Vow Zen Monastery for 2 years. I had many experiences of being part of a seamless system. It was an organic heart that shared it’s beat with so many people.

I also had experiences of deep and unyielding loneliness. It’s funny for some people to imagine feeling alone at the monastery. There is hardly any time where someone is not close at hand.

I slept in a room where other practitioners were a mere cubicle wall away. I could feel and most definitely hear their presence. Yet I often felt very, very alone.

The Experience of Loneliness
The experience of loneliness always comes as a sickness. A distinct longing to be seen and heard. A desire to be known in a deep and fundamental way. A hope and desire for intimacy.

Sometimes this longing manifests as a desire for a romantic partner. Sometimes as a distinct and dull depression.

It comes as a sense that something just isn’t quite right. I often wondered, ‘how does loneliness happen if we are all one being?’

Leaving the Monastery
Since leaving the monastery I have struggled with loneliness from time to time. Entering lay life is a challenge after the strict discipline and strong container of the monastery.

I have done many things to help contain my mind. Still, loneliness comes up.

Deep Connection
When I feel lonely I wonder if my heart is expressing its deep connection to the other human beings around me.

I feel a deep compassion and love. Yet my day-to-day experience doesn’t match the felt truth of inter-being.I live in a world with suffering beings one of which is me.

We are often caught up in our own agendas, our own ego games, and our own complex defenses to realize how deeply connected we all are.

This dissonance can amplify our suffering and lead to a feeling of disconnect and misalignment we call loneliness.

Nothing Is Amiss
Even though it is hard to bear. I think part of me knows that this deep feeling of longing, the well in the pit of my stomach, is not a sign of something wrong with me.

Rather it is an indication of inter-being in my life. Even my casting about for new friends and new romance, demonstrates a true desire to be connected

No Cure
I will not any particular cure or remedy for loneliness but rather a question.

How can I use the longing of loneliness to serve the dharma and strengthen my own heart?
How can we use the depth of this feeling to deepen our own connection to others and out understanding of suffering?

Accept It
Feeling lonely is hard no matter how you look at it. It is my own hope and deep wish that by acknowledging it as part of my reality and practice that it may offer relief to others who experience it’s effects.

Deep in my heart I truly believe that we love each other more than we are willing to admit. And sometimes it is only through this subtle pain called loneliness that we can realize the truth and power of this deep and abiding inter-heart.

This post was originally published in Ink On The Cat
ans subsequently published on The Under35 Project