love

by Toku on Uncategorized

Love Is Heartbreak

George Carlin says “when you get a pet, you’re purchasing a small tragedy.” Because your beloved furry friend (if you’re lucky) will die before you do. And while that may seem like a dark or depressing thought, the truth of it teaches about love is vital

Love inevitably leads to heartbreak. No matter how hard you try or how careful you are with your heart, it will be broken. And not just because even lifelong loves are separated by death, or because we’ve been sold an impossible fairy tale about romance, but because heartbreak and love go hand in hand.

To love fully is to be broken open. To risk it all is to be inside of losing it all.

Yet most of us play defense when we play for love. We long for romance but fear getting dropped and crushed.

We look for red flags, we open up slowly, we try to make a list to get the right person and avoid the wrong person.

We defend our hearts and we seek to free our hearts and we end up tied in knots as a result.

How can we possibly hope to do something like love. Something that requires flexibility, creativity, courage, and faith. If we are unwilling to allow our hearts to be seen.

But we protect our hearts because we all know what it means to have our hearts broken.

We find this out when we’re young.

Our parents seem like gods at first. Perfect, even if they were awful.

And we bend and twist ourselves into the shape they need us to be to get love.

Then at some point we slowly realize these humans have no idea what they are doing. They are simply stumbling along like everyone else.

This realization. The de-heroization of our parents, no matter when or how it comes, is heartbreaking.

As we awaken to the fact that they aren’t god-like, we realize we love human beings who despite their best intentions love us with imperfect hearts.

Many of us remember this deeply in our bodies. Even if our parents were amazing and loving.

The heartbreak lives inside of us as a warning.

To be careful, to withhold trust, to go slow.

And so we do. We protect our hearts with conditions and lists or we step over our hearts and into wild impossible fantasies of another person they can’t possible fulfill.

No matter how we relate to love, the result is the same.

We don’t reveal the true tenderness of our hearts. Because we are afraid to have them broken.

But then . . . if we’re lucky. We meet someone who brings our defenses down. We let go of fantasies. We trust.

And as our hearts open to them, it breaks. It breaks in loving them. It breaks in all the human moments where we remember they are simply imperfect like we are. It breaks when we realize there is no one coming to save us or our relationships.

It breaks because that’s what loving hearts do.

And if we’re lucky we learn this lesson.

That to love is to be heartbroken. That defending your heart is pointless even counterproductive.

Because the way to love is through heartbreak. The way to break patterns is through heartbreak. The way to the kind of deep connection we long for is through heartbreak.

Whether we want it to be or not.

 
by Toku on Poetry

Go First

It’s always easier to wait. For the other person to say I love you.

For the other person to apologize.

For the other person to admit how they’ve been wrong and stupid and childish

But don’t do the easy thing go first

Say I love you. Even if you’re not sure they’ll say it back.

Apologize even if you might be the more wronged party

Admit that you messed up screwed up and acted a fool

It takes a spoonful of humility and a bucket full of grace

But when you do go first and say

the thing that takes courage you can lead others from fear and doubt

into love and grace

and it all starts with going first

 
by Toku on Uncategorized

What Would I Love, What Would I Limit

Mostly people create from limitation or from dreams. Both are powerful, but both ignore the possibility of the other side.

When we live in dreams we imagine more freedom means better, when we live from limitation we think more clear boundaries means better. But seeking safety in a world that’s never safe or absolute freedom in a world where we’re tied to physical bodies doesn’t honor the wholeness of life. Which is part freedom, part limitation.

Instead, we can create even more when we sit at the feet of each teacher. Figuring out what we dream about and then trying to bound up those dreams into a plan, as well as creating strict limits and then working to fill each little square with as much life as possible. Both can be places of beautiful art and brilliant innovation so long as we remember that it is both the endless possibility of life and the proud presence of our mortality that gives life its sweet seasoning.

 
by Toku on Mindset, Poetry

Your Life Is Art

No one signs their name anymore. Not really. We make a half-assed squiggle with our finger on a digital screen. We scribble our name on documents, the letter collapsing and falling over.

I’m the worst at this. Except when I went to vote by mail. Then my signature was pristine, perfect, and crisp. I wrote it with care because it mattered. Because I knew someone was watching.

You might think that how you sign your name doesn’t matter. After all, the card company isn’t going to check it. The barista or waiter isn’t either. Even when I write “check ID” on the back of my cards almost no one asks.

And as a stand-alone occurrence, it probably doesn’t matter. After all I’m not singing the declaration of independence or the constitution.

Recently I started to notice this trend in myself, towards convenience, speed, and efficiency. It started to bother me. Because my life, your life is not a thing to be dispensed with, to be scribbled off.

Your life is art. Or it can be.

Last month I had a virtual date. At first, I thought I’d order us dinner. Maybe get some flowers delivered to her house. But then I realized that I could make art with it. So I made a website. Nothing too complex, it only took me an hour or so.

The website guided us through the date. I gave us a structure. The date itself became a form of art. I shared it with a couple of other people who were helping me out and they were both moved by it.

Over New Year’s weekend I went hiking. And the conversation I shared on that hike was art. It was about couples who go hiking. We spent a few moments together laughing and taking in the scenery. We weren’t concerned with the mileage or exactly how fast we wanted to go. The hike itself became art.

When I cook, I feel into the food. I cut the onions, making sure the carrots look uniform. I try to add different colors of sweet potatoes. I think about a garnish. So that when the dish is done, there’s texture, shades, and so much more. The food itself is art.

This is what it means to make art with life. Sometimes it’s dramatic, a bold gesture, a full on production. And sometimes it’s incredibly subtle, like how you sign your name on a digital pad.

Making art with your life is possible, here’s how.

1) Notice what you don’t notice:

There are places where all of us take things for granted. The way our love kisses us in the morning. The way you make your coffee. The way you brush your teeth. These places are rich repositories and opportunities to create art with your life.

Your relationships are filled with small moments of unconsciousness and routine. So simply start noticing what you don’t notice, what you step over, and what you take for granted.

2) Look at it from a new perspective:

There are things we get through and there are things we create through. We get through waiting for the plane to board. We create through writing a birthday card for someone we love. We get through washing the dishes. We create through cooking a special meal as a treat for ourselves.

Everything that is a ‘get through’ moment can become a ‘create through’ moment.

I learned this really well when I worked in the kitchen at the Zen Monastery I lived at for two years. In kitchen practice everything we did was infused with mindfulness and compassion. We cut carrots with love. We stirred pots with deep presence.

I swear you could taste it in the food. And you could certainly feel it as you cooked.

What we were doing was no different than what is done in commercial kitchens all over the world, but it felt different.

We took a perspective of wonder, curiosity, and attention to what we did.

After you notice what you didn’t notice, try to look at it differently. See if you can see it as an invitation into creation. Ask yourself how could I create through this?

3) Answer the question “How could I create through this?”

The next step is simple. You answer the question, with an I could.

I could write poems at the bus stop.
I could connect with my Uber driver.
I could draw a small masterpiece on the coffee shop Ipad.
I add a garnish to my dinner.
I could really connect with my beloved as we say goodbye.
I could be fascinated by my child’s day even if it’s so simple.

You don’t have to do all of these things. You don’t have to do any of them. This isn’t about finding what you ‘should’ do or the ‘right thing’ to do. That’s not the nature of art.

This isn’t painting by numbers.

You’re just looking at what you COULD do. If making art with your life is new, you can spend some time here. Just dreaming. Thinking of things to try. You can’t stay here, but it’s a good start because you’re opening up new possibilities for yourself.

Slowly carefully lovingly let yourself be open to what’s possible.

4) Try something . . . anything

Once you’ve gotten a few ideas one will call to you. For me, the one that scares me or lights me up and turns me on the most will speak to me. So now it’s time to try it out.

I’ll be honest at first you’re going to be a bit awkward and clunky. You may get some weird looks, but you should try it anyway. You’ll realize you can survive being a bit silly and absurd. And often it will go way better than you can imagine.

Not all art is a success, but that’s not the point of art. The point of art is to create something new, to express something, and to allow that something to blossom and wither in a moment.

So try something. It’s ok if it’s not the boldest thing, it’s ok if it is super bold, but just try.

5) Learn and refine

Now that you’ve created something and put it into the world, refine it. Draw a different kind of sun on the coffee shop Ipad. Add a smile to your present goodbye kiss. Ask your kiddo about their day at dinner instead of when they get home. Try rosemary instead of thyme as the garnish.

Artists don’t just paint one painting and stop. They create and recreate. They try again, they add something else, they take something away.

The reason why learning and refining are so important is that they help you move from a moment of expression to a practice of it. Instead of making art an event—like an anniversary dinner—it becomes part of the ritual of your life.

This is the final step and it is the one you have to keep making again and again.

I realized that you might be wondering why you’d want to do this?

Why not just have a nice dinner with your partner once a year?
Why not just squiggle my name on an Ipad?

For me, the reason is simple. Life is the most rare and precious commodity you have. Especially your life. You’ve only got so many days, so many moments, so many chances.

It’s like you’ve got a box of crayons and they’re wearing down all the time and you never really know when you’ll get to the bottom of them.

So what do you want to do with them? You can squiggle your signature. Die of boredom waiting for the bus. Resent and cling to routine out of a need for control.

Or you can make art with them. Over and over again I’ve chosen art and I’ve seen the people around me who I most admire do the same.

So please choose to make art. It can be simple even mundane art. But even then, it will still be art.

And at the end of your life you’ll be so grateful that you chose to create through it.

 
by Toku on Mindset

I wrote this on my IPhone

06_archimedes_35438535_620x433I had a conversation with a friend recently about whether or not she should purchase an IPhone. I listened as she justified and unjustified the purpose of the purchase. She listed reason pros and cons about having or not having one. This is a pattern I have noticed often in my self and others.

It’s funny that we do this. We decide we want something and then our mind goes into overdrive trying to figure out how to make sense of the desire. It comes up with reasons to agree with what we already want, in part to hide that really we just want it. Often we want it for simple reasons like peace, joy, and fun, but we feel we have to justify it.

When I reflect on what this mindset, I can see this little story and it goes: “I’m not that special I don’t deserve x,y,or z, unless I can justify why it might make me special or a least mitigate my unspecialness.
By not letting ourselves treat and reward ourselves we perpetuate the mindset of not being worthy.

This past year I wanted to buy a new fancy road bike, but felt I had to justify it. After listening to me go through this process, my good friend Lashelle told me , “It’s ok to just want something nice.” I realized she was right and it felt so liberating.

I did buy the bike and instead of feeling like I was buying it to fix something wrong with me, I felt like I was buying it to celebrate all the hard work I had done. Just a small shift in my perspective allowed me to let go of that negative self talk just a little bit.

Take some time this week to celebrate yourself. You don’t have to go out a buy something big or fancy, but take a few minutes to celebrate all the things you do to help other and yourself. In buddhism this is called reflecting on virtue.

Very often we don’t give ourselves enough credit. So give your self a pat on the back already.

Thanks for reading and be well,
Gentoku

 
by Toku on Mindset

The ‘Right Way’ Part 3 – The Way of Love

In my last two posts I talked about doing things the ‘Right Way’. In the first post I talked about the things that underlie the desire for doing things the ‘Right Way’. In the second post I talked about wholeness of imperfection and how ‘Right Way’ contains, both perceived success and perceived failure.

In this post I’m going to look at whether ‘Right Way’ (as it is conceived by the critical mind) can exist and examine how intention can transform the skillfulness of our actions.

Usually, the critical mind thinks of doing something ‘Right Way’ as our ability to replicate others skills or actions with a high level of precision. The question is ‘Can we ever really replicate another actions? We know that no two people ever do anything quite the same way, for quite the same reasons. Everyone does things in their own unique way. Perhaps some actions are functionally repeatable, but the thoughts, motivations, emotions, and karmic causes of those actions are as different as fingerprints.

The idea of a ‘Right Way’ as a replication of others skills, creates an illusion of unity. If we act in this prescribed way, we are one with others who do the same. We have the same energy, power, and connection that they had. That is the power of ritual in our lives, but it’s a mistake to think that it is the accuracy of the execution that creates that unity.

To move as someone else moves is impossible. We do not have their same hands, eyes, and ears. What we can have is a unity of intention, a unity of the heart. Many cultures spend hours practicing rituals so that they are very precise, but if it comes from a love of precision itself the point is lost. It must come from a love of ritual, love of the expression, love of the tradition, or a love of the intention and energy behind the ritual.

When I cook something my mother cooks, my goal is not to produce the same dish exactly, but only to produce it with the same love a care with which she cooked. I can even hear her saying to me, “It’s not brain surgery.” The message my mother gave me when we have cooked together is that it’s about the intention, the process of cooking.

If your intention is good and you cook with love, then the results are likely to reflect that. It’s important to remember that the results aren’t just the end product. Whenever we try to do something, how we do it, how we feel about doing it, and the attitude we hold while doing it, are all part of the results.

With fitness this is especially true. To achieve a balanced life we must produce more than a leaner, stronger, and more confident body. We must also produce peace, wisdom, and compassion.

If working to do things the ‘Right Way’ helps us do this, then it is liberating, but if it only serves to make us feel inferior then is it really serving anyone? For me the ‘Right Way’ is the way that opens the heart. The ‘Right Way’ is the way that leads to love.

When I follow the way that leads to love, as opposed to the way that leads to perfection, I can see the results of my labor. I see those results not just in the end product of my efforts, but in every aspect of my effort. Even my perceived failures take on an energy of love and acceptance.

One way to practice with this is to reflect on an area of your life where the ‘Right Way’ has lead you to focus too much on the end product. What if instead of focusing on some external standard you focused on how the activity made you feel?

What if you paid close attention to each detail of each activity and tried to find the beauty in how you do it? You could try bringing in a feeling of love and compassion. Make dinner with loving hands, read a book with loving eyes. Does this change the end product? Does it change how you feel while doing it?

Setting goals can be effective and striving for excellence can be motivating, but they can also become a trap. Goals and standards can be especially sticky if they become fuel for the critical and judgmental aspects of our nature. It’s important to find a way to discern the difference.

The way of love starts within ourselves and grows out from there.  If you make your ‘Right Way’ the way of love then everything you do will be the work of growing compassion in the world. When we let go of outcomes and focus our energy on intentions the change can revolutionize not only the outcome, but more importantly the way we feel about ourselves.

 
by Toku on Mindset

The Right Way Part 2 – The Wholeness of Imperfection

In my last blog, I talked about the concept of doing things the ‘right way’. In my last post I wrote about the obsession with doing things the right way and where this obsession originates. In this post I’m going to write about wholeness  and the practice of appreciating imperfection.

Though it may be counter-intuitive there is a difference between perfection and seeking wholeness.When we seek perfection we tend to value only our positive experiences and discard our negative ones.

When what’s happening matches the idea we have in our mind we are WINNING! but when they when it doesn’t we are FAILING! This simple view of progress doesn’t take into account all the complexity of growing as a being.

Take a moment to reflect on your life, Are you certain if you changed any event, whether success or failure, if your life would be the same? You might think if you could change a few things you’d be better off, but are you sure?

Maybe you wouldn’t have met your wife or your best friend. You might have ended up in a much worse situation then you are now. You might even have died. There is just no way to know.

Everything you’ve done has led to where you are now. If you eliminated your ‘failures’ then you wouldn’t be where you are or who you are. If your whole life, good and bad, has given you the gift of your current existence is there really a ‘right way’ to do things?

Often when I suggest that their really isn’t a truly ‘right way’ to do something people object. What about math or engineering? Maybe in some areas there isn’t a right way, but what about for logic. There can only be a yes or a no, 2+2=4 no matter how much you may love 5. Of course there is truth here, the ‘right way’ does not exclude reason or a desire for excellence.

This isn’t to suggest you should be lazy, sloppy, and indifferent  Not only do these things not embody excellence, they don’t embody the wholeness of the ‘right way.’

Often we think that to make something whole is to make it match the standard in our minds, but our own standards are very limited. We are limited in perspective, by our location in the world, in our lives, in our karmic patterns, in our place in time, and in our understanding of the nature of truth. How can our limited perspective hold all the aspects of wholeness?

Wholeness has to hold both the good and the bad. It must hold 2 + 2 = 4, but it must also hold all the answers to that equation that don’t fit into our idea of the ‘right’ answer. 2 + 2 = 4 is the most useful part of that whole when we are trying to figure out how many apples we have, but to think that 2 + 2 = 4 fulfills the scope of wholeness is so limiting. This becomes clear as we look at our own lives.

When we are learning to ride a bike, does the wholeness of learning contain only the time we are in balance? At first we fall constantly and it’s very clear that falling is part of learning, but when we become an excellent cyclist is that not true anymore?

First off, I can assure you that even being a halfway decent cyclist means falling on occasion, but more importantly even when we are riding with skill we are still falling.

Riding a bike is a act of falling and adjusting, going into and out of balance. It is not a static state of riding a bike the ‘right way.’ Thinking of it like that hides all the subtlety that exists while riding a bike.

Excellent cyclists move and flow with the nature of change, they make thousands of little adjustments that fall within very small margins. It is their unity with the flow of change, not their  connection to some static standard which makes what they do truly amazing.

It’s a dance with this constant flow, and the ‘right way’ to ride is not something you can own, but instead something you must join with.

When we look at our lives from this perspective it’s easy to see, how both balance and imbalance are part of the whole.

Take a moment and reflect on some of the things in your life you wished at some point you could have changed. How have these events created the whole person you are today? What lessons did you learn and how have you grown from these challenges?

Without the struggle to break free from the cocoon a butterfly can never fly. Without the challenges and trials of walking all the ‘wrong ways’ we would never learn to navigate our lives.

The wholeness of our lives contains all the flawed and perfect aspects of our being. Don’t forget to appreciate all the scrapes and stumbles that taught you how to walk the path.

Thanks For Reading, Be Well
Gentoku

 
by Toku on Mindset

The ‘Right Way’ Part 1 – Where does it come from?

I was recently talking with a friend about the idea of doing things the ‘Right Way’. It’s something we often obsess about in our culture.

Perhaps it come from the Judeo Christian background of the western world, or perhaps it’s just a side effect of striving for excellence and happiness; in either case it can very easily become a trap that limits our imagination, our ability to grow, and our happiness.

The ‘Right Way’ can become a beacon for us to shoot for, but also very often it is the standard by which we constantly judge our inadequacy. I’m going to take a few posts to really look at how this fixed idea of ‘Right Ways’ and ‘Wrong Ways’ effects our lives.

These won’t be posts that relate in a direct way to fitness, but I think very much apply to the mind that arrives at the gym or in the park every time we work out.

First off, Where does this idea of the ‘Right Way’ come from?

I once got into a discussion about the ‘Right Way’ to determine the difference between stuffing and dressing. Even though it’s very silly in retrospect, I gave what can only be described as a passionate account of the difference between stuffing and dressing.

I spoke with the conviction of an attorney working for Stovetop Inc. In the midst of my defense, of the purity of breaded poultry fodder, I realized that my entire knowledge of this difference, was based solely on a single article I had read the previous day on the Internet.

My conviction was unwarranted and the conversation, though clearly silly to begin with, had lept the bounds of absurdity, because of my forceful perspective.

So why did I argue for the ‘Right Way’ to define something of so little importance? When I reflect on this, I realize that holding this ‘Right Way’ in my mind gave me a sense of power, of confidence, of safety.

I felt validated and justified in my actions. Knowing the ‘Right Way’ gave me a clear identity. I was the person who knew the identity of stuffing. I was the sole arbiter of stuffed bread products (cue the heroic music).

There is something so satisfying about knowing the ‘Right Way’ to do something. It says so many things about me. I am competent, capable, and knowledgeable. Who am I? I am the one that knows.

It is easy to see why we can easily become obsessed with the ‘Right Way’ to do something. There is so much comfort for our anxiety, our fears, our doubts, and our fears.  Put simply, the idea of a ‘Right Way’ comes a very human need to know and understand themselves and the world around them. This ‘Right Way’ situates them at the center of a known universe they have drawn the borders around.

The only problem is, this ‘Right Way’ doesn’t reveal the truth about myself or the subtlety of the actions I undertake. Instead it trades the complexity that makes life beautiful, for the certainty that makes us feel safe.

I became so fixated on the ‘Right Way’ to describe stuffing, I lost all perspective on the absurdity of the conversation. I wasn’t connected to the person I was interacting with or my own intentions. Worst of all I became unable to take in new information and new perspectives.

Striving for excellence is great and visualizing can be very valuable, but when we get fixated on the ‘Right Way’ to do something, we lose what we sought. What makes us truly unique among the animal kingdom, is our ability to take in new information and greet new situations with curiosity and imagination.

If the ‘Right Way’ comes from a fixation on a particular idea or way of being, how right is it? If on the other hand, what if the ‘Right Way’ comes not from an idea of the end, but from the connection to the process? It’s all a matter of putting the emphasis on the ‘Way’ and not the ‘Right’.

This is the key salvaging excellence from the concept of the ‘Right Way’.  Our focus must be on the path, that leads us in the direction we want to go. Often our destinations rarely look how we expect them to and of course we as travelers have changed. The path on the other hand is intimate to our every step.

Excellence in self, in body, in mind is possible, but this excellence doesn’t come from seeking some outside standard, but from believing in the flawed footsteps it takes to get there. It’s faith in the path and the way, even if the scenery doesn’t match the post cards.

Take some time to reflect on what fixed ideas of doing things the ‘Right Way’ is holding you back.

What qualities are embodied in achieving that standard? Write them down. Then instead of comparing yourself to this Holy Grail standard, walk the path of the pilgrim. Do your best to embody the qualities that that standard holds.  Take up this practice of embodying qualities instead of embodying standards for a week and see what effect it has.

Your expression of compassion, of wisdom, of joy, may not be the same as those you admire, but its the way behind them, that is the same. Your act of kindness will not be there’s, but the quality of kindness is something almost anyone can recognize.

In this way you become one with all the great people who have gone before; not because you will do the same things, but because you will be walking on the same road.

Thanks for reading and be well,
Gentoku