Why You Suck at NO
I recently took over leadership of a speaking group in Portland, OR. As soon as I took charge, I sat down and created a plan for how the group might proceed. I presented my idea to the group and at first everyone liked it.
Then another member said they thought my plan would take the group in the wrong direction and proposed something radically different. Soon everyone in the group was unsure about how to proceed.
We spent over an hour discussing what our options were and at the end came to an uneasy compromise. At the end of the meeting, I walked out feeling that something wasn’t right. It wasn’t that I thought my idea was better or that I was mad at the other member. The problem was my desire to say NO.
Every instinct in my body told me I needed to quit my leadership role. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t make myself say NO, and so instead, I proceeded to stress out about the meeting for the next several hours.
It took me over a week of thought and many long discussions with mentors to come to the conclusion that I should bow out. But as soon as I made the decision again, I realized that if I had just trusted my instincts in the first place I could have avoided this turmoil.
And I began to wonder why did it take me so long to come to terms with that choice. I realized the reason is I have a hard time saying NO.
The Baby NO
If you’ve ever worked with young children you know that NO is the first word they learn to express their boundaries. In fact, you rarely hear little kids say yes, (unless you ask them if they want candy.) Instead, little kids just engage with what they like.
But when they dislike something instead of engaging they merely say NO and refuse to budge unless skillfully coaxed.
Strangely enough, it is this same avoidant attitude that keeps most of us from saying NO as adults.
NO is a hard word to hear. And a harder word to say. Especially if we care about the people we are talking to. NO invites confrontation and as adults we usually avoid confrontation.
Sometime we do this out of fear, but mostly it’s out of a desire to maintain social relations. So instead of saying NO outright, we say NO in subtle ways.
We say NO by showing up late or by not doing a good job. We say NO by procrastinating or by offering counter arguments. Sometimes we say NO by simply forgetting what we said yes to.
And while these are all different styles of the subtle NO, they all have one thing in common. They all say NO without saying yes to the responsibility.
The Vulnerable NO
Saying NO without anger is hard because it makes us feel vulnerable. Saying NO demands that we own our own perspective and boundaries. Saying NO means that our self-care matters and that we matter too. And standing up for your self in this way can be scary.
So what are all of us Yes men and women to do?
Simple we just have to learn to say NO. And here are the five criteria I use to help me know when to NO.
The Five Factors of Knowing When to NO
1. Do I really have the Resources?
Whenever anyone asks me to do something, my first step is to check and see if I have the time or money to say yes. And in looking back, I realized I often overestimate the time and money I have.
I do this because I want to be optimistic and so I say yes believing I’ll find a way to make it work. But I’ve realized that in saying yes too often I’m really robbing every other aspect of my life.
Every little bit of extra I squeeze out of my day or budget only means that other things suffer. I’m more tired at the end of the day. I don’t have enough money to buy a friend a cup of coffee. And I feel less hopeful about my own life.
So, instead of saying yes right away I check to see if I have the resources. And then I try to check again. I do this because I have found that this second check reveals the truth about where I stand.
2. Did I Plan for Space?
When I’m scheduling meetings, I often imagine myself moving smoothly from one event to the next. But the problem is life isn’t smooth.
Traffic happens, belts get lost, and things take longer than I expected. So, when I plan for perfection I often end up with disaster. But if I plan for space things go more smoothly.
Sometimes that space is filled with a few calm moments between meetings. And sometimes that space is filled up with looking for my bike lights. But in either case, this space makes my life better.
So before I say yes I try to check if I planned for space. If I didn’t plan for space I say NO. Not because I couldn’t squeeze it in, but because I want to live a full life, not a squeezed one.
3. Does It Serve My Vow?
You can do a million wonderful things with your time. And though some people hold strong opinions about what is or isn’t a waste of time. I’ve found that even if you limited your activity to the most laudable tasks. The possibilities are endless.
This means it’s essential to always be asking, “Does this serve my life vow or mission?” Something can be helpful, fun, awesome, and interesting, but if it doesn’t serve what matters the most to you. Then it’s probably not worth your time.
4. Why Am I Doing This?
Often the most important things to say NO to are things we do out of obligation.
Of course some obligations are good and I’m not suggesting your shirk all of your responsibilities, but all to often we are willing to sacrifice our own happiness and our needs out of obligation to others.
So whenever I think about whether I should say yes or NO to something. I ask, “Why am I doing this?”
If the answer relates to serving a deep need in myself or in responding to something vital in community then I’ll seriously consider the proposal.
But if during that examination the word should comes up I start paying attention. The world is filled with books I should read and things I should do, but I’ve found that if I can’t engage with a book or an activity from a real and authentic place. More often than not, I’d be better off just saying NO!
5. What Can I Say Yes To?
Rarely does NO come as a singular entity. Just like the need for atomic particles to balance themselves out. Every NO comes with an equal and opposite yes.
Whenever I encounter something that my gut tells me to say NO to. But I can’t pull the trigger, I ask myself. “If I say NO to this what can I say yes to?” Whenever I do this I often find a sense of clarity and satisfaction I didn’t have before.
I say NO to buying lots of cheap jeans, so I can say yes to having two nice pair of jeans. I say NO to spending lots of time on Facebook, so I can say yes to talking with people face to face. I say NO to distractions, so I can say yes to being present.
The Kindness of NO
Saying NO is one of the kindest things we can do for ourselves and those we care about. But only when we do it out of reflection and discernment. If we merely say NO out of fear or avoidance then NO itself can become a problem.
But if you find your life fills up with tasks and you can’t seem to find the room to breathe. It might be time to take a minute to stop and say NO every now and again. The simple act of owning your needs and giving yourself space can help you find peace and balance in your life.
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