Day 26: Expressing

For most of my life people have described me as direct. My family’s this way, and it’s the way I learned how to express my opinions.

My parents actually met at a debate tournament, which set the tone for our entire family. Growing up our dinner table was always a source of lively conversations. In fact we got into discussions about word definitions so often, we started keeping a dictionary by the table. It was at these dinners that I learned how to express a point and argue its merits.

While this skill has been valuable it wasn’t until I spent 28 years debating that I began to realize it wasn’t a great way to connect.

Then when I was 29 I learned a new way of communicating that helped me express myself authentically and create deep connections at the same time.

This new way of self expression removed the blaming and confrontation that so many of us have learned at home or in school. I replaced it with a simple way to express how I felt and feel deeply heard by someone else.

5 Steps of Mindful Self-Expression

While not all of these steps are essential for self expression, they provide a solid framework to help you get started.

Step 1: Make an observation.
Step 2: Get Confirmation.
Step 3: Express a feeling.
Step 4: Express a need.
Step 5: Make a mini request.

Let’s look at these steps more deeply:
Step 1: Make an observation –

The keys to a clear observation are:
1. A camera could film it –
2. It’s not judgemental –
3. It’s relatively objective –

Here’s an example of a clear observation –
Hey, you know this morning when you left those dishes in the sink?

Here is an example of a less clear observation –
Hey, you know this morning when left a big mess in the kitchen?

What’s the difference?
In the first case you clarify the events without judgment. A camera could film someone leaving the dishes in the sink.

In the 2nd case there are problems, “left a big mess in the kitchen,” is a judgement. If you’ve ever lived with people you know that everyone has a different standard of messy. So big mess is a judgmental statement.

While both statements might lead the other person to feel defensive, the 1st way is more likely to create connection.

Step 2: Get confirmation –

To do this either ask for confirmation after you make your observation, or make the observation itself a question.

Here’s an example of why getting confirmation is so important:
You: Hey do you remember this morning when you left those dishes in the sink?
Roommate: Oh actually it was John who left those dishes there and he said he would clean them up when he got home.

As you can see in this example, by getting confirmation you’ve avoided making a fuss over nothing. But even if your roommate had left the dishes in the sink it would at least get you on the same page about what happened.

Exceptions:
There are cases when you can skip this step, like if you’re relating an event to a third party, for example if you’re telling your friend about how your roommate left dishes in the sink. They didn’t see it, they can’t confirm it, so you don’t need to ask.

But in all other cases DON’T SKIP THIS STEP! It may seem minor, but it’s important.

Step 3: Express a feeling.

There are two keys to expressing your feeling skillfully.
1. Be honest – don’t pretend you felt something you didn’t
2. Don’t use blaming or jackal words – Jackal words or phrases are those that blame or are aggressive.

For example if you say you felt abandoned, it implies the other person abandoned you. Someone can leave you somewhere, but abandonment implies an intention that’s not 100% apparent.

Here is an example of a skillful observation and feeling expression:

You: Hey you know this morning when you left your dishes in the sink?
Roommate: Um yeah.
You: Well when I saw the dishes in the sink I felt really frustrated.

Here’s a less skillful example
You: Hey you know this morning when you left a big mess in the kitchen?
Roommate: Um yeah.
You: Well you really pissed me off and made me feel like you don’t give a crap about me.

The first case has a clear observation and expresses a feeling without blaming the other person.

The 2nd case uses aggressive language and blaming words. And it’s hard to hear someone when tell you they’re pissed off and that you don’t give a crap about them.

Step 4: Express a need
This is just like Step 3, and the same guides apply. You want to express a need that is both honest and not blaming.

Here’s a skillful example of this:
You: Hey you know this morning when you left your dishes in the kitchen?
Roommate: Um yeah.
You: Well when I saw the dishes in the sink I felt frustrated because I have a need for order in spaces we both share.

Here’s a less skillful example:
You: Hey you know this morning when you left a big mess in the sink?
Roommate: Huh?
You: Well when I saw your dishes in the sink I felt frustrated because I need a roommate who’s considerate and does what they’re supposed to.

In the first example you express a feeling and a need everyone could have (i.e. a need for order).

In the 2nd example the need is not really a need. Not everyone needs a roommate who is considerate. A considerate roommate may meet your need for collaboration or communication, but it’s not a need, just a strategy to meet a need. Some people don’t need roommates, and these people live alone.

In addition, your request implies you and your roommate have agreed on how you are supposed to behave, which is unlikely.

I’m sure you can see why the 2nd example is unlikely to create connection. It will cause conflict and anger, but I doubt that’ll help you get dishes cleaned up.

Step 5: Make a mini request
Technically this step isn’t part of self expression. But it’s important for good self expression and so I included it anyway.

Making a request means to ask for an action that is:

  1. Specific – I know what you’re asking me to do.
  2. Time bound – I know when you’re asking me to do it.
  3. Doable – I am capable of doing it and you can tell I’ve done it.

Here is an example of a doable request:
You: Hey you know this morning when you left your dishes in the sink?
Roommate: Um yeah.
You: Well when I saw the dishes in the sink I felt frustrated, because I have a need for order in spaces we both share.
You: And I was curious if next time you’d be willing to clean your dishes before you leave the house?

Here is an example of a less skilfull request:
You: Hey you know this morning when you made a big mess in the kitchen?
Roommate: Um yeah.
You: Well when I saw the dishes in the sink I felt pissed because I need you to clean up after yourself.
You: I was curious if you could get your head out of your ass, clean up your messes, and start being a decent roommate.

In the first example the request was specific (clean the dishes before you leave the house), time bound (the next time), and reasonable (both parties know that cleaning the dishes is possible and they could see if it was or wasn’t done)

In the 2nd example the request is vague (clean up your messes – which ones?), not time bound (there is no mention of time), and unreasonable (what does being a decent roommate mean and how can one put their head into or out of their ass?). Not to mention the 2nd example is pretty rude, which means it’s unlikely to be well received.

Of course sometimes you may not have a specific request. In these cases you can always make a reflection request which simple means asking for a reflection of your expression.

For example:
You: When you left the dishes in the sink I felt frustrated. Would you be willing to tell me what you heard me say?
Roommate: You think I suck because I leave my dishes in the sink.
You: Hmm I don’t think you suck. Let me try again.
You: When I saw the dishes I felt frustrated because I want to work with you to create order in the areas we share. Can you tell what you heard that time?
Roommate: Oh so what you’re saying is that you like things to be orderly and when I left the dishes in the sink, you felt frustrated.
You: Yes that’s right.

You can use a reflecting request anytime you’re not sure the other person understood or any other time you don’t have a request after your mindful expression. No matter what it’s always better to use a reflecting request as opposed to just expressing yourself and then stopping, because this can lead to the feeling that you’re blaming your feelings and needs on the listener, even if that isn’t what you intended.

Challenge 26: Expressing

1. Practice: Choose a new friend or call up the same one and practice your self expression skills. It’s best if you choose something a little more neutral instead of something that might cause a bunch of reactivity. In fact you can even practice self expression with something positive.

Here’s an example:
You : You know when you told me you liked my painting the other day?
Your Friend: Yes
You: When you said that I felt really appreciated and it met my need for support.
You: I was wondering if I could take you out for coffee as a way to say thank you?

Bonus: If you’re brave you can try self expression to deal with a difficult situation, like the disagreement I shared in the example. While NVC is a powerful tool in all communication. It’s especially helpful for conflict.

2. Reflect:
Once you’ve practiced, use these questions to reflect on your experience.
Do you see how mindful expression could help you in conflict situations?
How did it feel to get agreement on the observation?
How did it feel to express your feelings and needs so clearly?

3 Share: As always share in one or more of the following ways

  • Blog – Write a post about your self expression practice and how it went.
  • Post – Using #30dayhappy or posting in our Facebook group share whom you contacted and how the expression went.
  • Comment – Think this is a totally weird way to talk. Want to test out a self expression statement put it in the comments.
 

One thought on “Day 26: Expressing

  1. I keep coming back to this method again and again. When I’m angry about something, I lock myself in the bedroom and don’t come out until I’ve sorted through my feelings and why I’m really upset (what meanings I’m attaching to the situation), and then I use this format to communicate. It is very helpful.

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