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by Toku on Uncategorized

What Do White People Owe BIPOC?

It’s a question I ask myself a lot.

What do I owe? What can I do?

I mean I’m just one white dude. I don’t run a huge company. I have so much on my plate, with clients, and deadlines, and deliverables, and culture. It’s too much already.

So what do I owe BIPOC people?

I know I owe more, but this is what I came up with…

1. I owe them remembering – Being white means I have the privilege of forgetting. About slavery, discrimination, hate speech, micro-aggressions, and all the trappings of systemic racism.

It’s so easy for me to forget, to let it fade in my mind, to let it be someone else’s problem, and to pay it “lip service” and nothing else.

At the very least I owe remembering that the system I live in, make money in, pay taxes in, and maybe someday raise children in is a system that benefits few and harms others. I didn’t choose or design this system, but I have benefitted from it and it has harmed good people.

I can start by simply remembering that truth instead of letting it fade away.

2. I owe them anti-racism – I grew up in the era of being color blind, race not mattering and being a taboo subject, and for a long time I thought simply not burning a cross or using the N-word when I recite rap lyrics was enough.

But it wasn’t, it isn’t, and it never will be. I owe them more than merely avoiding racism or being overtly racist. I owe them being actively anti-racist, which starts with learning and listening and continues with a commitment to acting and growing.

I owe them by acting in a way to actually COUNTERACT racism. Hiring more people of color, voting my conscience, donating money, and learning to speak and think in an anti-racist way.

3. I owe them leadership – If I claim I am a leader does that mean I only owe my leadership to other people of privilege? With a gentle nod or the inclusion of some token people of color in my life?

Leadership isn’t about being in charge, it’s about being ON THE HOOK for the world we create. Leadership is about being inside our social circle, companies, and communities.

I don’t need to ‘save’ BIPOC people with my leadership. I need to LEAD non-BIPOC people to join me in the movement. I do this by being responsible for that which I didn’t create. A racist system, inherent bias, unfair pay advantages, and more. I can hire trainers to help create an anti-racist company, I can be on guard and out front, leading others to say, “let’s have this hard conversation, let’s risk making mistakes and looking foolish, let’s risk being leaders”.

As an entrepreneur, I am good at building a company and inspiring others to follow, but if the end result of that is simply to fill my own pockets or the pockets of others with privilege then what good is my leadership? .

I don’t need to stop what I’m doing and change the world. I need to take what I’ve learned as a leader, as a founder, as a risk taker and be willing to put my heart where my mouth is.

This, at least, is what I owe BIPOC people as a white leader.

Love, Toku

 
by Toku on Mindset, Uncategorized

4 Things to Remember When You Have to Adapt

A couple months ago I got a call from my assistant. She wanted to quit. I sat there heart beating on the phone unsure of what to do. Within two weeks my entire team was gone, and in the end it was for the best.

At the time I was scared, sad, and frustrated to have things change on me so fast. But in the end it taught me a lot and I ended up feeling grounded and complete.

The nature of the world is change and there’s little we can do to shift that.

And so we must learn to adapt.

Here’s what I’ve found to be the most valuable when things change suddenly:

Acceptance-

Denial is the first enemy of adaptation. It’s so easy to pretend that things haven’t changed, to keep seeing what you hope was happening instead of what is happening. I’m not suggesting that you be pessimistic, optimism is fine, but you must see reality for what it is.

For me, when I get that sinking feeling in my belly that something is changing, I do my best to look at it straight on and accept what I’m seeing. When someone tells me what they want or shows me who they are and it seems in alignment, I do my best to accept it.

When my assistant told me she was miserable it was hard to hear but I accepted it. I could have dismissed it or tried to talk her out of it, but it felt true, she was being honest to me, so I looked at it head on.

By accepting what is, you can then choose where to go next.

Feeling –

Our habitual response to pain is to move away from it. When change brings pain or fear with it, we tend to avoid thinking about it or we numb our pain in the face of it.

You notice yourself reaching for the ice cream, the bottle of whiskey, another episode of 90 day fiance, whatever it is that will take your mind and heart off of the change.

And some of these things can actually be helpful in moderation, but we tend to numb more than we need, and stifle our ability to adapt as a result.

I won’t lie, the evening that my assistant quit I spent the whole night working (work is often where I go to numb) I ate more ice cream than normal, and I had a whiskey before bed.

But by the next day, I let myself really feel what was going on underneath. I let myself feel the anger, the sadness, the disappointment, and the fear. I was mad that she was leaving. I had asked her so many times how she was doing, if we could shift her work at all. I was sad because she had been the person I leaned on as I was going through my transition with my ex. I was disappointed in myself for not seeing the signs sooner. And I was afraid that it would all fall apart, that I was a horrible leader, and that I’d just sink into failure and oblivion.

By letting myself feel my feelings I was able to process my emotions and come to a more stable place. Instead of resisting change I became willing to look at what was next and to make the best choices for her as well as for myself.

Forgive / Get Complete –

Often when we think of forgiveness we think about the apologies we gave as children. You said you were sorry but you didn’t mean it.

And it’s easy to think of forgiveness like an obligation, but forgiveness is actually an act of liberation. It liberates you from the weight of other’s mistakes and it frees them from the toxic judgment most of us hold onto when someone hurts us. Whether they hurt us on purpose or simply by accident.

In my practice I teach a kind of forgiveness called completion, which means you don’t just ‘say’, you forgive, you really move through everything you need to get back to a place of responsibility for your life.

You express your feelings, you look at how you’ve contributed to what happened, and finally, you appreciate the person for who they are.

These three simple steps, which I do by writing letters (a process I got from my coach Hans Phillips) helps me move forward. They help me forgive. When I do this process I get back to a place where I can own what happened and be responsible for how I’m going to respond and decide what to do next.

Get Clear and Act –

Finally, you get clear on what’s next and begin to move into action.

Of course most likely you tend to get into action before getting clear. You just want to react, to do something, to respond and the result is that you respond from fear, anger, or anxiety.

Which is why slowing down and getting clear happens first.

For me, part of getting clarity is getting clear about what I’m committed to. For example, I have a commitment that every person who works for me will benefit from being part of my team. They will grow, deepen, and expand who they are. And I know if I’m living up to that commitment it means that people will leave me from time to time. My job is to accept that they want to leave and support them to move onto a job that’s better for them.

After you get clear, then you can get into action.

Sometimes that action is literally doing things that need to be done, like reviewing all the tasks your assistant does. And sometimes it means adjusting your beliefs and the way you think about the change itself.

What’s important to remember is that action that comes from acceptance, clarity, and forgiveness is the action of a true leader.

For me and my time the whole thing was a big wake up call that I needed to start from scratch. I needed to let my assistant go and I actually needed to let my whole team go.

I had built my team with my ex and it was great for our business, but it wasn’t right for the business I wanted to build.

So I let them go, they all went on to better jobs and better things, which is exactly what I want for everyone who works for me.

Adapting isn’t easy and of course, change is hard to predict, but if you follow these steps and slow down enough so you can move with purpose and clarity, you may find that on the other side of change you didn’t ask for, is growth you didn’t expect.

 
by Toku on Mindset, Uncategorized

Waiting For Yourself

I’m almost 40, and by almost I mean I’ve passed my 39th half birthday by at least a little bit. Recently I’ve been wondering if I’m in the grips of a mid-life crisis. A theory, by the way, that I discovered doesn’t have much basis in science.

But still. . . I’ve been wondering a lot about what my purpose is, about whether or not I’ll fall in love again, and about what is next for my life and business. The kind of questions we all ask from time to time.

And the more I’ve thought about them, the more I’ve come to realize that I’m waiting.

I’m waiting for something. Not a love, not a new career, not a million dollars, not my big fancy life.

Instead, I’m waiting for myself. And I thought that I would tell you how to do it. So that maybe I can learn as well.

How to wait for yourself:

1) Be still – You are a wild, clever, animal. And you, unlike most people, know most of your own tricks.

So any move you make will likely cause you to become caught in some way. Which is why . . . if you’re going to wait for yourself, you must be still.

You can meditate, or spend time in nature, do tai chi, or learn to cook slowly with no music on, smelling the food as it blossoms.

However you do it, it starts with being still.

2) Let go – Not with drama or flair, but simply. The way you might let a remote fall from your hand as you drift off to sleep. You become so focused on the waiting that everything else simply falls away.

Some things will naturally fade, some interest in a hobby, maybe a goal you had at work, or even some long-held dream.

As it fades, let it go. Gently.

3) Forget – Forget who you think you are. You have practiced this story of you over and over again. And that story has the same ending. The story is about your life not working out, or working out in a particular way.

So just forget it. It may turn out that way again, it may not, a forgotten story never knows. You will try to remember who you are. You will grab onto threads of the past. See if you can forget.

4) Remember – Remember something about yourself that you can’t put into words. Wait from this place as much as possible. If you don’t understand what I’m talking about. focus on being still and you will remember.

5) Love – Love yourself, the trees, people around you, your fucked up life, your great life, your desire to doom scroll, your judgments about social media, you anger about the people in charge. Wrap your heart around it all.

6) Wait – Whenever you notice yourself not waiting, trying to decide, figure out, or fix, don’t. Just wait. Something is coming. You don’t know what it is, or who it is, but it is coming. Can you feel it?

The most important thing about waiting for yourself is to just wait.

7) Do something fun – As you wait, do something fun: read a book, paint a rock, learn a song, grow a plant. You don’t have to do nothing, just do something that aligns with waiting. As soon as you get distracted by something, remind yourself of your waiting.

8) Go outside – Look at the plants. Put your feet in a lake. Take a deep breath. You don’t have to wait inside.

9) Talk to people – One of the best things about waiting is meeting other people. Most of them are waiting too, and they’re just there with nothing to do but wait, so enjoy them.

10) Calm down – Whatever happens try not to get riled up. You will sometimes and that’s ok. You’ll get impatient, you’ll wonder what’s taking so long. But you’ve been waiting for yourself your whole life.

How long have you really been waiting for yourself?

Most people don’t even wait a day. So calm down. There’s plenty of time. And when you arrive, you’ll be there. And once you’re there you’re there.

It’ll be what you’ve always been waiting for. Quite literally.

There’s not much else to say other than, thanks for waiting with me. I hope you’ll stick around and wait some more.

Love, Toku

 
by Toku on Meditations, Uncategorized

Boundaries, Love, And Why I Blocked My Ex On Facebook

Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously. – Prentis Hemphi

Last week I decided to block my ex on Facebook.

She didn’t do anything wrong, she didn’t start dating someone else (or if she did I don’t know about it), and I’m not mad at her. I blocked her because I love her, and I love myself as well.

I’m going to my best to explain why I did it, what I learned about myself, and hopefully, you’ll learn something about how to love yourself and others in the process.

… →

 
by Toku on Meditations, Mindset, Uncategorized

Making Space for Grief on Holidays

Many people see the holidays as a space for joy, which is a beautiful sentiment and intention. But the holidays are also a space for grief. For some people, the holidays remind them of turmoil and abuse. Having time and space with family wasn’t a blessing but a threat.

For others, the holidays remind them of what’s been lost: family members, loved ones, time. Whether it’s the loneliness of the first Christmas in a new town or the grief of the first or fifth holiday after the death of a beloved friend or relative.

Sometimes when we look back, we judge the year we’ve had, we feel the failures of the past twelve months, we compare our bounty to the bounty of others and find ourselves, our wealth, and our lives lacking.

All of this is normal, and yet, it’s easy to feel a sense of shame, a desire to hide or fix our grief in a season where it seems only joy is allowed. It can push into isolation or hiding your feelings.

And so my invitation is to allow space for yourself to grieve this year over the holidays. Let yourself cry about the Christmas mornings you didn’t have, cry over the year that went wrong, cry over the loved one who isn’t with you around the hearth. Let your tears flow out so that the joy and gratitude might as well.

The holidays are a merry time of year and letting yourself weep so that your heart may open and feel the spirit of love and hope might be the very thing that allows you to feel close to those you love and those you’ve lost.

This Christmas, I’m going to take some time to journal, to grieve, and to love the tender parts of myself. Then I’ll wipe my tears, eat a candy cane, and watch Die Hard (which is totally a Christmas movie BTW) and allow the new space I’ve opened up to be filled with love and gratitude for the incredible life I lead.

I hope each of you makes space for whatever you feel and that you find love in the strangest of places.

Love,

Toku

PS If you feel terribly alone or overcome by grief in the holidays, get help! Call a friend or if nothing call the helpline. Even if you aren’t suicidal, having someone to share your feelings with can help. Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-8255

 
by Toku on Uncategorized

Me Too – but not in the way you think

When I was in college I was accused of sexually assaulting a woman.

She was a friend of mine that I had slept with on previous occasions and she came to my room to buy a glass pipe and smoke some pot with me and my roommate. We sat there for a while and got stoned together. Eventually my roommate went to bed and she and I ended up cuddling together in my bed.

As we cuddled I started touching her. Slowly at first, probing to see if she was in the mood. She didn’t resist in any way, and didn’t say no. So I continued, eventually sliding my hand down the front of her body in between her legs. After a couple of minutes she wasn’t responding and I had this feeling like she was uncomfortable, so I stopped and went back to snuggling.

A few minutes later she got up and left our apartment without a word. In that moment, I figured that she felt guilty being with me because she was dating another guy. I just chalked it up to an attempt to be sexual with a woman that was received with polite refusal—something that’s happened to me many times with partners both casual and serious in the past—and I thought nothing more about it. I went to bed thinking she just wasn’t into it and that was okay with me.

A few days later I got a call from her friend who was irate with me. She said that she couldn’t believe I had assaulted her friend. I was shocked. I had no idea what she meant. When she first mentioned it I didn’t even remember the incident she was referring to. But as she told me the details I remembered what had happened and I felt like shit, but I also felt defensive.

Why didn’t she say no? Why didn’t she push my hands away? Why didn’t she turn away from me? We were close to the same height and I wasn’t holding her down in any way. Why didn’t she show any sign of resisting me?

I felt horrible because I knew that I hadn’t had any intent to force myself on this woman. She was a friend, a former lover, and my only desire was to touch her in a way that felt good, to see if she wanted to fool around. I was the one that had stopped, when I felt like something was off. I was the one that turned away from her in a way that indicated it was okay that she wasn’t interested. I couldn’t understand what I had done wrong.

I told her friend that I felt horrible, but that I couldn’t understand why she felt this way. I defended myself, but still indicated that I felt awful that it had happened and didn’t know what to do. Her friend talked to me for a while but we never really got to a conclusion. I didn’t know what she wanted me to do. Eventually we got off the phone.

I spent the next weeks and months feeling awful about what had happened, but I felt trapped. I couldn’t talk to my friend. It didn’t feel like I could really talk to anyone else. I knew that I hadn’t had any bad intent, but I still felt like I had fucked up totally without realizing anything I was doing was wrong.

And yet what I did was wrong. And I wish it was the only time I made a mistake like this, but it wasn’t.

Later something else happened. During my graduation weekend, my friends came to visit me in DC. We were having a good time smoking and drinking and one night they all ended up staying at my apartment. Specifically a group of them ended up crashing on my futon together.

The next day we were hanging out and I could tell one of my female friends was really upset. So I asked her why. She said that the previous night another of my friends had slid his hand in between her legs, without permission.

I was horrified. I confronted my friend and asked him what had happened and he denied having done anything wrong. As I stood there and looked at him I saw myself. I thought, This is a good guy. I trust him. I believe him if he says the truth. I thought, Could this simply be a misunderstanding? Could his hands have ended up near her and she just didn’t understand what had happened?

But my female friend insisted it was true. And back and forth we went. Accusation and denial, until we reached an impasse. I told my female friend, “I believe you had an experience that felt wrong to you and I’m sorry. I also believe my friend that he didn’t do anything or didn’t intend to do anything. I feel like we have to chalk this up to a misunderstanding.” She was upset but seemed to accept what I said.

Looking back I realize how wrong I was that time, too. My friend probably did do something wrong. Probably a similar wrong thing to what I did. He probably wanted to see if this girl wanted to fool around and perhaps he was more aggressive, perhaps not. But my willingness to overlook what he did came from my willingness to overlook my own mistake.

You see, this is the problem men have with sexual assault. We want to believe that there are these bad guys out there doing bad things to women. We get defensive because we aren’t those bad guys. We love women, we respect them. We buy them flowers, open doors, and vote for Hillary. We hate guys that are rapists and are disgusted by men that overtly manipulate women into having sex like Weinstein or drug women like Cosby.

We think because we’re not those men we have nothing to answer for. We’re “good men” and want you to know that—just like white people love to be “good white people”, not those overtly racist kinds.

And yet most of the fucked up shit that happens to women happens from guys who think that they’re good guys just like us. Like the guy who thinks that because she started off being into it, he has a right to finish. Like the guy who thinks so long as she gives in eventually that’s all that matters. Like the guy who simply wants to see “if they’re interested” and then proceed to put our hands on women’s bodies—without asking consent. Or at the very least learning how to feel a women’s energy to see if she’s interested, and then being willing to pause if we’re not getting any sign that she is.

Like the guy that pushes through the energy of NO without waiting for the energy of YES. Or the guy just like you and me, who might start with very little intent and then slowly head down a rabbit hole of miscommunication, privilege, uncontrolled sexual energy, and self-delusion, and end up doing something that impacts or adds to the growing weight of untrustable, aggressive men in women’s lives.

The thing none of us want to admit is that we’re the men on the other side of all these ME TOO statements. Not some group of creepy guys someplace else. But our brothers in our lives and the men we see everyday in the mirror.

And until we’re willing to see that, the world isn’t going to change. As for me, I was dead fucking wrong in both of these instances in college. I was wrong to touch my friend, no matter if she didn’t say NO or resist in any way. I didn’t have intent—that’s true. But I didn’t have permission either. And as much as I want to explain away what I did, what I did was wrong.

I was wrong not to believe my female friend. I was wrong not to back her up. To tell her I was sorry that she had been violated like that. I was wrong not to yell at my friend and tell him it wasn’t cool and tell him to GTFO of my apartment. I was wrong and what I did was as bad or even worse than what my friend did to this woman who I cared a lot about.

I wish I could go back and tell these women how wrong I was. I’ve looked for them online to make amends but we lost touch long ago. I’m sorry that I was wrong. And while I know sharing these stories won’t change that, it’s my hope that in telling the truth to other men like me—who think of themselves as “good guys”—we’ll become more willing to look at ourselves and our lives with greater clarity.

That we’ll be willing to tell our sons about consent, and stop our brothers when we see them going down the wrong path. That we’ll be willing to talk among ourselves about the mistakes we made so we can make fewer of them, and be willing to believe and stand up for women when they tell us what’s happened to them.

My hope is that in sharing my story other men will share theirs and that together we can become true allies of the women in our lives so that we can have a lot fewer ME TOOs in the future. And finally my hope is that we can encourage men to do the work on themselves so they can love women in the way they want to be loved, hold them in a way that shows them the kind of respect they deserve, and live in a way that inspires other men to become deeply conscious and awake in a way that could truly change our world forever.

 
by Toku on Uncategorized

The Art of Never Having to Say You’re Sorry

One of the first social things we learn to do as children is say we’re sorry. We’re taught to do this whether we mean it or not and whether we want to or not. The problem with this practice is that it hides our true relationship to integrity. Which is why if learn to never say you’re sorry, you can actually become a person a greater integrity and compassion.

Why We Say Sorry

We mostly say we’re sorry to fulfill the bare minimum of social nicety and/or to assuage the guilt we feel for breaking our commitments.

  • Miss a sort-of-friend’s birthday party, because you didn’t really want to go? That’s ok I’ll just say, “Oh, I’m so sorry I was really busy,” and all will be forgiven.
  • Your boss doesn’t give you the bonus she promised? That’s okay. She’ll just say, “Oh, we’re really sorry but the budget wouldn’t allow for it.” What are you going to do?
  • Hurt your ‘sensitive’ friend’s feelings again? That’s okay. I’ll just say, “I’m so sorry. I just call it like I see it. I mean, you want me to be honest, right?”

These ways of saying sorry not only don’t do much to make the other person feel better, they actually keep us from feeling empathy for others and take responsible for how we show up in the world.

Mea Culpa

So how should you say I’m sorry? Well, instead of explaining it to you I want to model it.

Part of the reason I wrote this post is because I haven’t shared anything on this blog in several months. And yet the promise that I made to many of you is that I would send you posts every week that would “help you create the impact you crave.”

There are a lot of reasons why my writing has been sparse, some of which feel really valid in my head:

  • I’ve been focusing on my full client roster, and helping them do things like sign multi-million dollar deals with Nestle, navigate through Techstars, and even start think tanks at major phone companies.
  • I’ve been hard at work building a second business that has been growing faster than I expected.
  • I tried to get support but we’ve worked with 4 assistants and 2 Directors of Operations this year alone.

Which is why I wanted to start this post by saying SORRY and then justifying why I’ve been so absent. But as I wrote, I realized that instead of apologizing I ought to be doing what I teach my clients to do.

I should be owning my mistakes, doing what I can to clean them up, and recommitting to the promise I made to all of you. And that’s what I intend to do right now:

Dear Amazing Reader,

I screwed up. I didn’t create enough time in my life over the last few months to be able to deliver to you the posts I promised. I got caught up in editing another blog, starting another business, getting situated in New York City, building a team, and a ton of other really important things. And even though all of those things made writing harder, I doesn’t change the fact that I didn’t honor my promise to you.

Now I know many of you don’t care about this. In fact, some of you may not have even noticed that I wasn’t sharing posts. But I want to own my mistake nonetheless. And here’s what I’m doing to clean it up.

Today as I published this post I scheduled the next 4 posts as well. These posts are going to be spaced out so that you’ll keep getting content as I work to create even more space for writing and reflection. In addition, I have and will continue to work with my AMAZING team to make sure we have a system and a routine set up to support me in creating content for you that is truly awesome, actionable, and of service to your highest selves.

If you’re pissed off at me, disappointed, or want to unsubscribe because I broke my word, I totally get that. In fact, I think that makes perfect sense for you to feel that way. Please know that I won’t hold it against you and that I truly hope you find the words that inspire you in your life in unexpected ways, whether they come from here or someplace else.

And if you decide to stay I want you to know I appreciate your patience with me and I don’t expect you to believe that I’ve changed. I simply hope you will let me show you how things are getting better. And if I’m not doing enough to make it up to you please let me know by sending me an email or unsubscribing. I love the feedback, however you give it.

Thank you for hearing me out. You’re amazing and I love you.

Sincerely, Toku

Now wasn’t that better than me saying “I’m sorry” followed a bunch of excuses? I know it felt better to me. And of course the truth is I am sorry, but I’m also not a victim. I chose the things that prevented me from keeping my word and that’s on me.

There are times in our lives when we need to say we’re sorry and times where we need to own what we’ve done and do our best to clean it up. It may feel scary in the beginning, but if you try it, you might find that never having to say sorry, because owning your actions will change the way you show up to everything you do.

You don’t have to fix everything today. You can start with one thing, and enjoy the feeling of lightness as the weight lifts off your shoulders.

Coming Soon to Unexecutive

Part of what I’ve been doing in my absence is figuring out what I want to say that’s different from everyone else out there. A big part of that has been my own study and interest in deliberate practice as a way to improve as a coach, leader, and human being.

Which is why in the coming weeks I’m going to start sharing more of what I’ve learned about the power of practice and how to bring this practice into every aspect of your life.

Professional athletes, artists, and musicians spend hours every day practicing and yet CEOs, innovators, and mavericks like us almost never do. WHY? Isn’t what we do just as important, specialized, and challenging?

I’m excited to share with you many of the things I’ve been learning about the power of practice and how you can integrate it into your life to become a better leader, communicator, salesperson, lover, friend, and human being. So that you can inspire your teams, create better ideas, build the better relationships, and achieve the kind of deeply fulfilling freedom, success, and impact you’ve always longed for.

 
by Toku on Uncategorized

Getting What You Want Copy

Getting What You Want

Tomorrow, in houses all over the world, thousands of people will wake up to Christmas morning. But what would happen if Christmas didn’t come the way they expected it to.

A Thought Experiment

Imagine waking up tomorrow morning.

Even before you get out of bed, expectation fills your mind.

You think about what the day will hold. You think about presents, about family, and about food. An image of what this day should be like becomes more and more clear as you lie in bed.

Then imagine that you go downstairs. At first, everything seems totally normal.

Except it seems cold, much too cold. You feel a draft coming in from the hall but you think nothing of it.

You groggily walk to the kitchen and make some coffee. You wrap your arms around yourself as you sip warm liquid. But something still doesn’t’ feel right.

You notice a small cloud forming with every breath. And You start to wonder why is it’s so cold.

So you poke your head into the living room and your eyes widen, your pupils dilate, and your head spins. There, under the trees where the gifts should be . . . nothing.

You see muddy boot prints on the ground. You’re dumbfounded. Your are barely able to comprehend what’s happened.

Is this some horrible prank?

You turn and follow the boot prints into the hall. Your eyes tracing the small bits of earth on the front door. There you see it. Shards of broken glass and the source of the draft.

A window is shattered and the door stands slightly ajar. A sense of horror enters your heart, followed quickly by sadness.

The rest of your day is filled with tears, police reports, and a cold empty feeling. You feel violated and torn from the inside. You will never forget this day for as long as you live.

Ok now let that image go. Take a few deep breaths. Feel your body and release those feelings from your heart.

Imagine the images fading and then disappearing completely. Leaving behind a blank canvas.

 

Act 2

Once again, imagine waking up tomorrow morning.

As soon as you open your eyes, you see a gentle light streaming in from the window. The light falls across you like a blanket, warming your whole body. Just seeing this light fills your heart with gratitude.

You get out of bed and go downstairs to make coffee. Your pour yourself a cup but discover you are out of cream. You shrug your shoulders and head into the living room. You look at your simple tree and smile.

Soon your family joins you. Stockings are unpacked. Complaints are made of fair toy distribution. Breakfast is eaten and more family arrives.

Your uncle that always annoys you, today seems charming. Your kids fight, but the jabs are gentler. You get the worse present from the gift swap, but definitely the funniest. Part of the dinner gets burnt, but there is still plenty of food.

It seems like no matter what goes awry today, you rise above it. The whole day you feel glad and grateful and so connected to everyone you love.

There are gifts but they don’t matter half as much as the smiles, the hugs, and the time spent together.

Ok now let that image go. Take a few deep breaths. Feel your body and release those feelings from your heart.

Imagine the images fading and then disappearing completely. Leaving behind a blank canvas.

Choose Your Adventure

If I were to ask you to pick one of these tomorrows, I have little doubt that most of us would choose the 2nd one. Yet for many of us, a day like the second would be a disappointment. Under most circumstances.

You see our minds like to create a picture of how things should be. And then compare it to how things are. When the pictures don’t match, we suffer. But we don’t have to do this.

We can choose to create a different picture in our minds. Or even better, we can let the picture draw itself.

We can let the imperfections add color and detail. We can let each mistake be a beautiful oops.

The trick is to notice that we’ve drawn a picture and then to let that picture go.

Let the canvas of our day be as blank as possible. And if you notice yourself holding on too tight, you can do the same thing you did with each of the previous experiments.

Let that image go. Take a few deep breaths. Feel your body and release those feelings from your heart.

Imagine the images fading and then disappearing completely. Leaving behind a blank canvas.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day tomorrow and I wish mindful happiness to each of you in this coming year.