What To Do When You Don’t Feel Like Doing Anything

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This morning I woke up and found myself lying in bed scrolling through Instagram. I’m not supposed to do that. I’m a powerful coach, a deep spiritual practitioner, a human being on purpose, but that’s what I was doing.

Each year I take most of December off and I enjoy these slow mornings where I can do my practice or watch TV. Work on a new book idea or simply read one for hours in bed. I love my Decembers and yet, each January when it comes time to return to work, I don’t feel like doing anything for about a week.

I don’t feel like checking my email, starting a new project, exercising, or getting on client calls. My body feels like an object in perfect stillness at the center of a frozen universe. It doesn’t want to move, think, or put in effort in any way.

This is where I found myself this morning. Knowing that with a few clicks, I could continue my marathon of The Office, or lose myself in shopping for a valentine’s day gift, or just look at pictures of other people doing stuff.

And when I find myself here I have found a few ways to get myself out.

STEP 1 – Get out of bed.

I can literally go anywhere else in the place I’m staying. The kitchen, the bathroom, the couch in the living room. Just the simple act of getting out of bed moves my energy. It takes me from horizontal to vertical, from inert to active. It can feel like a hard step (even though logically you may think it shouldn’t be hard) but getting out of bed really helps.

STEP 2 – Make the bed

I know, super lame. But making a bed reduces the chances you are going to get back into it. And it invokes your adult mind. Your day matters. Your bed matters. You are preparing your bed for when you will meet it again tonight. At the end of the day you’ll look at your bed and remember that you love yourself. You have set the stage for sleep.

Sleep that will happen later. Not now. Because now there is a day.

STEP 3 – Drink Something (not alcohol)

Water, tea, coffee, juice, it doesn’t matter, but you get bonus points for preparing something to drink. Drinking is a ritual. I spend 10 – 20 mins making coffee every morning. I hand grind beans. I measure water. Yes I’m a bit of a snob about coffee, but this ritual makes a difference to me.

I am preparing something for myself. I am preparing myself for the day. Plus it’s a simple and embodied activity. It is NOT on a screen. It is in the physical world. I boil water, measure beans, time the brew. All of these things are here in this world, where your life is.

STEP 4 – Do something that turns on your mind and/or body

Either one of these works. I mean both are better. But the key is to read something that turns on your mind or do something that turns on your mind or body.

If you’re going to read, pick a devotional, or maybe something on meditation. Bonus points if the chapters are short and inspiring. Anything by Pema Chodron* is great. Or Zen Mind Beginner’s Mind*. The Book of Awakening* is Dope. I even wrote a devotional for coaches, which you can pre-order right now.

Just read something that makes you think. Not the news. Not Facebook. Probably not even a blog post. Something that invites your mind into a deeper experience of yourself.

Same with exercise. It doesn’t have to be intense. Yoga, tai chi, gentle stretching. I love the stuff put out by Gold Medal Bodies. But just move, for 10-15 mins. Anything is better than nothing.

You are invoking engagement through movement. You are creating momentum which can carry you into the day.

STEP 5 – Write or draw something

Do morning pages or write a post about not wanting to do anything. Or just journal for 5-10 mins. Both exercise and reading have a quality of receiving. This is why you need to move very gently into creating.

You don’t have to write or draw anything good. Crap is fine. Maybe even better. The point is to shift. From laying to standing. From mental space to physical space. From preparing to moving. And then from receiving to creating.

So create something. Anything. It can be small. I write little poems sometimes.

The dog upstairs
barks with a low and yearning tone
I hear her
calling for the woods
through the plate glass window
that separates her
from the wild and the past

It’s probably not a great poem. It doesn’t matter. I created it. Now I am creating.

STEP 6 – Begin your day

You’re ready now. You’ve warmed up. You are already doing something. And now that you’re doing something you can do something else.

You could review your tasks for the day, you could work on the hardest one, you could answer your email. Whatever it is. You can more easily move from doing to doing.

And what if you get stuck?

Now you have 5 things you can try to get back on track.

  1. Stand up
  2. Prepare something for later
  3. Drink something
  4. Move or read
  5. Create something

As I move throughout my day I use these simple tasks as a way to bring myself back. Back from the land on inertia and indifference.

You were not made to lay about. You were made to give your gifts to the world.

All it takes is a small reset to remember.

*This article contains affiliate links which means I may make a small commission if you use the link to purchase.

 

How to Stay Optimistic During Hard Times

Inspiring leaders are known for keeping a positive attitude in hard times.

Winston Churchill inspired the british people with radio addresses and speeches during the worst parts of WWII.

FDR encouraged a nation in tatters with his fireside chats during the great depression.

How do they do it? How do leaders, in the face of incredible challenges, remain optimistic and engaged with their work?

Let’s look at some of the key ways leaders find hope in the midst of turmoil:

What are you committed to?

“People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.” -Mother Teresa

Great leaders center their lives around great commitments. Commitments that exist beyond the conditions they find themselves in.

These are not reasonable commitments, they are commitments beyond reason. Mother Teresa worked with some of the most disadvantaged people in the world, but her commitment to serve, to elevate, and to love was deeply inspiring.

Many of us have commitments that only exist in the moment. We’re committed to loving so long as they love us back, we’re committed to writing so long as we feel inspired, we’re committed to voting so long as the candidate completely aligns with all of our views.

Great leaders get rid of the “so long as”. They are their commitments. They stay committed beyond where other people would stop. This kind of commitment creates its own hope and optimism because it’s the strength of the commitment that matters, not the results of the moment.

How humble are you willing to be?

“For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit.” -Ira Glass

Great leaders are willing to be wrong, to learn, to grow, and to find new ways to succeed.

Many of us are full of pride in who we are or were as leaders. This pride exists until we read the edge of our capabilities. When you hit that edge you are humbled by what you don’t know, what you can’t do, and who you have yet to become.

If you allow yourself to be humbled you can pass through the gate and continue down the path.

If you refuse the call, you go back to where things felt safe and often become cynical about anything beyond what you currently see is possible.

Great leaders are willing to be humbled in order to go forward. They understand that humility in the face of adversity is not defeat, it’s the doorway to victory.

Are willing to accept what is?

When my master and I were walking in the rain, he would say, ‘Do not walk so fast, the rain is everywhere.’ -Shunryu Suzuki

Great leaders don’t exist in a state of denial or fantastic thinking, they accept what is, and work from there.

Many of us would simply like to forget that the world is on fire. This is true even if the world at large is on fire or if it’s just our personal world that’s burning. Your desire for things to be ok, or ‘normal’ can override your willingness to see things as they are. This denial can lead you to numb out on fantasy, distractions, or even anger that the world is not how it should be.

From this denial, it’s hard to do anything. How can you act on a world you’re not even living in?

Great leaders don’t hide the truth from themselves. While they may paint a picture of possibility for others or even put their faith in an inspiring vision of the world, they start where they are right now. They choose the world as it is, people as they are, and life as it exists as the foundation to build hope on. This radical acceptance grants them an integrity that makes optimism possible.

The SuperHuman Illusion of Leadership

Most people when faced with adversity complain or avoid the challenge of the moment. Great leaders choose to take on the moment, which can create an illusion that they are superhuman.

But they aren’t, and you don’t have to be either.

Leadership is mostly a choice. A choice to find something you’re willing to commit to beyond reason, a choice to be humbled by the growth being offered to you, a choice to accept what is and begin with step one.

The world doesn’t need any more false superheroes. The world needs leaders and people who decide the problem is theirs — even if they didn’t cause it, don’t know how to solve it, and aren’t sure it’s even possible to make a difference.

Optimism isn’t some magic spell you cast, it’s simply a way of relating to the world, something which has to be renewed again and again. You can start now, you can make the choice to lead.

I hope that’s what you choose.

 

I Once

I once… bought a same day ticket to New York to tell a woman I loved her and arrived with flowers in my hands.

I once… left my whole life behind me to travel across the US and work as a ski instructor.

I once… got the best job I had ever had, running a cool music venue, making more money then I had ever made.

I once… moved into a Zen monastery intent on discovering the secrets of myself.

The relationship with the woman didn’t last. My car broke down and I haven’t skied again since. I got fired from my job after confronting my boss for stealing. I left the monastery and that entire community soon after.

You could say I once failed. My relationship failed. My plan fell through. I lost my job. I walked away from a path.

You could call these things failures.

I call them adventures.

I touch the edges of these experiences and number them wisdom depth heartbreak love

The wrinkles on my face grow deeper my heart pushes out a bit more

there’s always a reason not to do the thing take the leap go after the dream

But looking back you may say I once and smile

 

Looking

You are looking for something.

Something to keep things interesting, something to keep things safe, a cook set for backpacking, a rack to keep your bathroom organized, a new recipe to try.

But you’re looking for it.

Googling, scanning your newsfeed, asking (for a friend), window shopping, reading reviews, looking at profiles, swiping.

You don’t notice you’re looking.
You’re completely wrapped up in it.

Then you stop and wonder, what is it that I really want?

And you realize you don’t know.

It’s a feeling. Safe and warm, right, good, smart, satisfied.
You know you’ve felt it before.

In bed on a Sunday.
By a campfire.
With a pet in your lap.
A small silence in the middle of a conversation.

You notice that in those moments you weren’t looking.

But it doesn’t stop you from looking now.

Because that moment felt so good and you felt in such the right place.

You can’t help looking, but you can pause, notice what you really want, and remember.

Life comes to us, like a shy cat in the afternoon.
If we are patient and defenseless, it may just curl up with us and take a nap.

 

Be Still


With so much going on out there, now is a time to be still.

Take your coffee out in the morning, listen to the distant sound of traffic, and birds, and children.

Sit at night, with the lights all turned off and see how many crickets you can hear.

Be with people.

Listen to the sound of their voices lilting, hear their stories, their fears, their hopes, their dreams.

This is as good for leaders, as it is dear friends.

When there is nothing to do.
When you can’t see anyone’s smile.
When it feels like things are beyond comprehension.

Just be still.

And if you notice your own anxiety, or resistance, or grief emerging. Allow it to blossom into tears, into a desire to be held, into feelings deep in your stomach.

Be still with yourself.

Life is a mystery, one more apparent now than usual.
And just like an old detective, sitting quietly and observing the suspects.

Now is a time to be still, to listen, and to notice what you can.

 

I Don’t Feel Like It

Some mornings you won’t feel like it.

You won’t feel like writing, or exercising, or doing your meditation, or reaching out to clients.

You won’t feel like loving your wife or husband or partner or kids.

Some mornings it will all feel heavy and hard and you’ll wonder if you can just get by without doing it.

Flow people will tell you you’re trying too hard.
Habit people will tell you, you need to try harder.

Both have a point.

The other choice is to remember and empower.

  • Remember why you committed to exercises,
  • Remember why you are committed to coming from love,
  • Remember why you want to be who you said you wanted to be.

Don’t push, don’t relax. Empower instead.

Remember why.
Let it open your heart.
Let it move you, even when you don’t feel like moving.

The tenderness required to choose your life, is the most breathtaking of all.

And it can also be the most incredibly annoying thing to have to do before you have your coffee.

Do it anyway.

Love,

Toku

 

Performance vs Morality

Performance is a function of performance.

We offer certain inputs, inside a certain environment, and we see what kind of outputs we get.

The more we can control for the environment the more we can predict and modulate our inputs to get a certain output. The more chaotic or seemingly random the environment the more performance becomes part art and part science.

It’s easy to get lost in the dance that we ‘should’ know the correct inputs.
We should have the right knowledge, experience, data, and courage to make the ‘right’ choices.

Only a future you really knows what the results of your choices are.

From here, the future is a void. When we measure performance, observe the process, and are attentive to results we can generally perform better over time given the right resources.

Morality is how good you are or a judgment about whether you are a good person.

Because we value performance we often think that people who perform better are better people. It isn’t actually true, and very often we’re disappointed when star athletes, giants of industry, or our leaders reveal their human frailty to us.
But because we value performance it’s easy to think that performance is the most important factor of morality. Even though it’s not.

While thinking that performing better will make us better people might inspire us to work and pay attention, the utility of this mix up pretty much stops there. And for every person who seeks to perform better to be better, there are three people who feel awful about who they are because of some real or imagined lack of performance.

In truth, these two things are just different. Not that they don’t interact and play with each other. But performance is performance. It’s a measure of outputs based on certain inputs in a certain environment. And morality is morality. It’s about who you choose to be in life, it’s about kindness and generosity, it’s about love.

And anyone who’s ever tried to measure of tweak the utility of love through performance can probably tell you the futility of trying to bar graph the heart.

If you can allow them to be separate. If you can survive poor performance while maintaining a good self-image, so much is possible for you. It takes work, but it’s a worthwhile path to follow if you wish to do meaningful work in the world.

 

Your being is more valuable

We tend to think about worth in relationship to what we do for people.

Beyonce deserves to make a ton of money because of the singing and performing she does. I can charge a thousand dollars per hour because of the kind of coaching I do. A brilliant programmer deserves to make $100k+ a year because of the code he writes.

But looking at worth as a function of the value of our doing isn’t truthful.

  • If you have children how much would you pay in ransom to get them back from a kidnapper? Assuming you were confident they’d be returned to you.
  • If your partner needed a life-saving procedure and it cost $50k or $100k what lengths might you go to get that money?

And yet if you look simply at what the people closest to you actually do, it’s often very simple.

  • Children draw crayon drawings, they snuggle, they play.
  • Your partner talks to you about your day, maybe cooks a meal or two, and gives you affection.

What makes them special isn’t what they do?
What makes them special is who they are for you.

Your children are the only people who can BE your children. If I came over and drew with crayons for you it wouldn’t be the same.

Your partner is the only person who can BE your partner for you. You won’t feel the same level of depth with a house cleaning service or assistant even if they do a better job cleaning your home and helping you manage your life.

It’s who we are for people that matter most. So much so that it’s almost impossible to replace.

Yet leaders forget this all the time.

As a leader, you obsess over what you’re doing all day, when what your team really needs is for you to BE a leader for them.

What matters is who you are for people.

As a leader who you are for people is presence, integrity, and a stand for their greatness. 90% of what you, 90% of the magic is being this for other people. 10% is what you do as you be this.

Don’t fall into the trap of thinking your greatest value is in what you do.

Your real value is who you are for other people.

Learn to be great for them.

 

Wait Night Date Night # 10

I’d like to sit in bed and read poems to each other
The poems fresh in how we share them
Our own voices another form of poetry
Poems reading poems

I’d like to lay in the grass and stare up at the vast sky
You huddling close to me under a blanket
Stealing my warmth as you give me yours
We’d talk about the vastness of the universe and our own very short lives

I’d like to nap with you in the summer sun
Waking to a pool of sweat between our lazy bodies
The stickiness the only thing
Challenging the magnetic pull of our affection

I’d like to walk slowly through a park at night
Your hand through my arm
Talking about dinner and what your friend said to you
And what you might say back

I’d like to have memories of all this
These things that haven’t happened
And smile as we remember
What can’t be put to words

I’ve been told I have a streak of the romantic
Perhaps each day it makes me more foolish
And yet I’d like to find someone for whom being foolish was a vital aspect instead of a fatal flaw

I could just as easily be speaking of the earth
Or my own heart
And yet there may be a woman
For whom being like this

Brings a smile to her face
I may not have met her
I may never meet her

But once a week I sit
In patient love
With the divine feminine

I wait for the space for her to open
Inside me
As it may inside the world

 

Cooking –

purreed tomatoes
Carrot
Some onions
A little oil
A little salt
A very little sugar

Slowly bubbling
The noodles
Clinging together

The chicken
Browning in butter and flour

I turn the tv off

I just listen
Crackling fat
Sizzling juices

A wooden spoon
Making a low rub
Against a metal bottom

Just a little sauce in a bowl
With a bit of starch

Red and white
Sharp tones on my tongue
Firm and liquidy in my mouth

It’s magic

I’ll never know why people think it’s a chore
It’s creation
It’s love

You are making love
That you can eat and taste and smell

My favorite part of cooking for myself
is how much I just love myself
To make something that tastes so good