UNEXECUTIVE

Unconventional coaching for extraordinary people

The 3 Kinds of People: Wise, Foolish, and Evil

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“You have more influence to bring about change than you might think, but the key is knowing what to do with different kinds of people.” – Necessary Endings, page 122

Wise People

“When the truth presents itself, the wise person sees the light, takes it in, and makes adjustments” says Dr. Cloud.

Because they can handle feedback and will truly use it to make changes, the way to deal with people in this category is to keep talking. Discussing the issues and exploring ways to change is effective because no one is discounting behaviors or making excuses. The truth is laid out on the table so that real solutions can emerge and meaningful change can occur. A wise person gives you a real reason to have hope that things will be different.

Foolish People

“The fool tries to adjust the truth so he does not have to adjust to it.” Conversations with foolish people are the most frustrating because it feels like you are talking to a wall. They never seem to hear the feedback.

So, the way to deal with a foolish person is simple: stop talking. At least about the problem. There’s a word for continuing to remind someone of a behavior that they don’t see the need to change: it’s called nagging. And it doesn’t work until someone gets hopeless enough to change. Instead, have a different conversation about a new problem: the fact that talking doesn’t help.

In other words, you need to have a necessary ending of the pattern by no longer talking about the problem but by using a new strategy of setting limits and establishing consequences for the problem. Limits protect you from the fool’s collateral damage, and doing something that causes them to feel the consequences of their behavior may help them feel hopeless enough to turn around. In this way, you transfer the need for them to perform from your shoulders and onto theirs.

Evil People

“Do not hope for the evil persons to change. It could happen, and it does, but does not happen by giving in to them, reasoning with them, or giving them another chance to hurt you. It happens when they finally are subject to limits that force them to change. Jail does some people good.”

The best way Dr. Cloud could explain how to deal with evil people is to quote a Warren Zevon song, “Lawyers, Guns and Money.” When Dr. Cloud quotes the words from that song, he may do it for effect, but he’s absolutely serious. You can’t reason with evil people, so you need to protect yourself with lawyers, guns (police), and money. This may be the case for some women in abusive relationships where they need to get restraining orders, or in businesses where people try to sabotage your company or reputation.

In Defense of A Boring Life

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Everywhere you look there’s an invitation to a more exciting life.

Commercials and advertising seem to promise a life of more fulfillment, excitement, and joy. Apps and services promise to remove the boredom of data entry and tracking your email. Even people seem to talk about themselves so that you can see how entertaining and entertained they are all the time.

We do this because we don’t want to be boring. I think the reason people don’t want to be boring is

1) They’re afraid it’s a form of stagnation
2) They’re afraid they’re missing out of life
3) They’re afraid if they’re boring their lives won’t matter

But this isn’t what being boring is at all.

But excitement isn’t really all that it’s cracked up to be.

Here’s what I notice about excitement:

1) It’s hard to maintain –
When something is exciting it has to shift or keep getting bigger in order for my excitement to grow or even last longer than a few minutes.

2) It’s often coupled with stress and/or drama –
The most ‘exciting’ relationships I’ve had are the ones that were also the most painful and stressful. When my business is really ‘exciting’ I’m also often on edge and pushing myself pretty hard.

3) It rarely creates long term satisfaction –
Moments of excitement are often followed by either a longing for more excitement or a feeling of being let down or simply down about life in general.

But if you’re not going to be ‘exciting’ then what are you going to be?

Well boring. And boring has gotten a bad rap I think.

Boring is actually pretty amazing.

Here’s what I notice about boring:

1) My life feels even and stable
When things are boring things are usually going pretty well. There are few/no active crises in my life.

2) I tend to be in a pattern of stabilized behavior
I have a routine, I mostly follow that routine, there aren’t a TON of disruptions.

3) It invites a deep reflection
When things are boring the stuff in the background the stuff I tend to ‘avoid’ dealing with begins to surface. This background work is hard work that isn’t glamorous. It’s the work of healing, of self-love, and of slow human growth. This stuff isn’t always sexy and exciting but it’s pretty vital to lead a healthy life.

So what will you choose, exciting or boring?

Boundaries, Love, And Why I Blocked My Ex On Facebook Part 2

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This is part 2 of a 2 part post read post one here
http://unexecutive.com/boundaries-love-blocked-ex-facebook-part-1

In my last post I talked about boundaries and why I decided to block my ex on Facebook. What happened was that she posted a new photo and I got spun out. I asked myself why was I doing this to myself?

And I ended up wondering why I didn’t trust my ex to handle me choosing to block her.

So now for part 2 . . .

————

Why didn’t I trust her?

Sure there were moments where I thought she wasn’t fair to me. Sure, I worry about how she’ll paint our relationship when she talks about it, but generally, I experienced her as a kind and loving person.

She cherished me and let me go. I wanted to cherish her and let her go as well.

I realized that if I trusted her to take care of herself and to feel the love I had as I set my boundaries, there really wasn’t anything to be scared of. I could block her on Facebook, and she would figure out I did it because I loved her and myself. Because I trusted her to be at peace with my choice and what was right with me.

And this is the 2nd lesson I learned about boundaries:

LESSON #2 – YOU DON’T JUST SET BOUNDARIES WHEN YOU DON’T TRUST SOMEONE ELSE. YOU SET BOUNDARIES WHEN YOU CHOOSE TO TRUST SOMEONE FULLY, IMPLICITLY, AND WITH LOVE

When you trust someone, to take care of themselves, to be with your no, to find peace inside themselves, to be complete, to love you, setting boundaries is easy. For most of my life, I didn’t’ set boundaries because I was afraid I’d be rejected and abandoned.

I thought the fewer boundaries, the better. And when I did set boundaries, they often had a flavor of anger, push back, or spite. But this process has slowly taught me that offering a boundary to someone you care about, perhaps even without explanation, is one of the most powerful gestures of trust you can offer.

In truth, I have no idea how my former partner will take me blocking her. It’s at least 6 months before we can connect again. She may have or be thinking all of the things I was scared of. She may not even notice I blocked her at all.

But the choice felt right to me.

I want to get back to where I can be truly happy for her. Where I can see her radiant on Facebook and be so grateful she shared that radiance with me. Where I can see her with someone else and know that she’s created new love in part from the lessons of love we learned from one another.

I know my next partner will have a lot to thank her for.

And I know that blocking her now. Allowing that little jolt to fade, giving myself the space to be alone, to find joy in solitude and singleness, will help me get there.

I trust her. To walk her own path. And to find a way to honor the path we walked together. And I trust myself. To set boundaries and discover what those boundaries are here to teach me.

FINAL THOUGHTS

My wish for you as you read this is that you find a way to practice with your own sacred boundaries. To offer them as a gift to those you love, even when they don’t totally understand, even when you don’t ‘think you need them.’

The practice of boundaries can be like this, not aggressive or aversive, but loving and kind in so many ways.

You Don’t Need A More Productive Way To Produce Suffering

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Dear Future Client,

You became a coach because you thought in some way it was the answer. Maybe at this point, you don’t even remember what the question was anymore.

For me, the question was about finding purpose in life, doing work that mattered, having a sense of freedom, and making enough money so my father would be proud of me (despite the fact that he says he proud of me all the time) (But I may be luckier than you in that).

And yet here you are, a few months or years into your coaching journey and you still haven’t arrived yet. Maybe you make the $10k months every Facebook group I get invited to raves about, or maybe you’re close, maybe you even make more than that.

And yet you haven’t arrived. You don’t feel free. You don’t feel successful. You keep looking over your own Facebook wall into someone else’s life who seems to have it sorted out. Maybe you even think I have it all sorted out.

You portray an image of success that covers over a subtle form of self-doubt. You don’t really know if you’re a good coach. You find yourself frustrated with your clients. Tired after a day of sessions. Feeling both free to do incredible work and trapped by the incredible work you do.

So you go out and hire someone to improve your deal flow, to get you more clients on linked in, promote your product to a broader audience, and help you with Facebook ads.

But the truth is you don’t need a more efficient way to produce suffering. You don’t need a better system to help you find again what you’ve already found.

Please stop hiring experts and gurus and people who have the answers.

Instead, it’s time to look at the very heart of why you suffer. To discover the parts of yourself you’ve stepped over on the way to success.

Sure I can help you get better at sales, sure I can help you figure out how to hire a better assistant, sure I can help you develop some basic systems to put your attention more on what you want to do.

But all of these things require you to let go of who you think you are as a coach and entrepreneur. They mean flying in the face of the scrappy do it yourself, figure it out, hire it out identity.

That’s something they never tell you about, the existential crises of being an entrepreneur.

So when you’re ready, I’m here. When you’re ready to let go of a more productive way to produce suffering and find the leader inside of you, the one who can create something truly unique to the world.

When you’re ready to stop looking for answers and find yourself instead. I’d love to talk to you.

Not because I have any answers, but because I love looking. With people who are committed to curiosity.

Love, Toku

Boundaries, Love, And Why I Blocked My Ex On Facebook

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Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously. – Prentis Hemphi

Last week I decided to block my ex on Facebook.

She didn’t do anything wrong, she didn’t start dating someone else (or if she did I don’t know about it), and I’m not mad at her. I blocked her because I love her, and I love myself as well.

I’m going to my best to explain why I did it, what I learned about myself, and hopefully, you’ll learn something about how to love yourself and others in the process.

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