There’s a Fly In My “I”

I think there is an “I” that needs a partner.
And this “I” would like to know who that partner is going to be.
Because if that “I” knows who it’s going to be he can do something about it.
He can dream about it and predict it and imagine what it will be like.
This imagining almost feels a little like having it.

That “I” also gets to keep a hold of itself a bit because he can imagine himself being there too. And then there’s an “I” there in the future.

What happens if he lets go of the I?

Well if there’s no person there then he’ll likely choose a new one, because he likes the fantasy.
Again the fantasy is as close to having the thing as he can get.
It’s better than nothing.

It also means he can speculate and plan which gives the illusion of solidness to what is essentially not solid.

If there is no object he may go back to the past
To memories of other people the “I” was in relationship with.
Again this is as close to being in connection or ‘having’ what this “I” wants.
Also in these fantasies, he’s there and exists and is solid.
So it serves that purpose as well.

If you were to take it all away?

He starts to scramble a bit
He either makes himself hopeless which also creates an “I” for him to hold onto
An old “I” one that is doomed.
But this doomed “I” is still quite solid.
Not pleasant but sort of an anti ideal
Sort of the negative image of the other “I” which is happy and in love and having sex.

Without those things, the “I” doesn’t really know who or what he is which he finds someone disturbing
Or disconcerting to be with

He would rather be in the question of good enough or not
Good practice or not
Get her or not

Because in all of these games there’s an “I”

And of course, wanting to stop the “I” also create an “I” that wants to stop
There’s no way to escape it
But you can notice what it’s doing.

Right now the “I” is thinking about his thoughts
And wondering how clever they are
Mmmm very clever “I”
Now the “I” is amused by it’s “I” ness
Now it’s going to go read something else