listening

by Toku on Mindset, Skillset

How I Reply To Social Media Posts I Don’t Agree With

Anti-vaccination posts.
Anti-mask posts.
Posts about Bill Gates being a Lizard King
Posts that spread racist or sexist ideas

You see them all the time. You don’t agree with them. But what do you do about them?

This question comes up for me all the time. And each time I’m torn.

On the one hand, I know that allowing misinformation and bigotry to spread unchecked only makes things worse.

On the other hand, EVERY time I respond to one of these posts I get attacked, piled on, dismissed, or even worse I somehow seem to invite more conflict from both sides.

So what do you do?

To be honest, this is why I avoid commenting on posts I disagree with, but when I do I have found one way to offer a different perspective that seems to create the most space for people to connect around their shared values.

Here’s what I do:

1) Talk about your own experience – Instead of telling people they’re dumb or crazy. Simply share your own experience of you’ve grown and changed in your understanding.

For example, this year I bought a gun for target shooting. I believe in gun control and yet when I went to buy my gun I found the process frustrating. It seemed like there were so many loops to jump through and details to manage. But then I remembered that if I was angry or bent on violence all the steps and safeguards may have given me space to really think about my actions, it might have helped me calm down, and decide to not hurt someone I cared about. I get how annoying it is, but I’m glad we have laws that help keep us safe.

Now when I talk to people who are against gun restrictions I can share this experience. Not from a place of ‘guns are bad and you’re a violent nut for liking them,’ but from a place where I truly honor the desire to do something you enjoy and the frustration with laws that seem to get in the way of that.

By sharing your own experiences of how you relate to an issue, you make your opinions about you. You invite people into a story of your life, rather than creating a story about theirs.

2) Honor other people’s feelings – Often when we disagree with someone we discount how they feel. How can they be angry at immigrants? How can they be scared of something that’s been proven safe? How can they feel so reassured by false facts?

But even though they may have come to a different conclusion, their feelings are real.

SO when you talk to people honor their feelings. Express empathy with their desire for freedom, the longing for safety, their sense of unfairness, and then offer a new way to look at the same issue.

“I understand that you get angry at the thought that people who break the law might take jobs from law-abiding citizens, it makes sense, and I learned something the other day about immigrant labor that made me think differently about that.

“I understand that vaccines feel scary and that after hearing some people’s stories you feel cautious. When I hear those stories a part of me feels worried too.”

When you do this, you’re letting them know, ‘ You’re not crazy to feel that way’ and I have a different take on it. When you really hear people, you make it easier for them to hear you.

3) Don’t make other people wrong – Finally, if you can, don’t make the people you’re disagreeing with wrong. We usually do this by saying things like

“people who don’t wear masks are idiots” or “anyone who doesn’t get their kids vaccinated is a bad parent”

If someone is calling you an idiot or a bad parent, you’re not likely to listen to them.

So instead let them be who they are and simply offer an alternative point of view.

“I get that people who don’t wear masks care about their personal freedom, but for me, I realized that in this case, my freedom might hurt someone I love.”

“I can really feel the love anti-vax parents have for their kids. I care about my kids too and I’m scared they might get sick from some of the horrible diseases we have vaccines for. . . “

By understanding and honoring their intentions even if you disagree with their conclusions makes a big difference.

At our core, we all want the same things. We want our friends and family to be safe and happy. And while the strategies we use to get there might be different, the desire is the same.

Learning how to tap into this, is sort of like a magic spell. One that helps us connect with the deep humanity underneath opinions and points of view. If you can learn to come from this place consistently there’s so much that’s possible. ANd it’s this kind of deep compassion that our world needs now more than ever.

 
by Toku on Meditations, Poetry

Be Still

With so much going on out there, now is a time to be still.

Take your coffee out in the morning, listen to the distant sound of traffic, and birds, and children.

Sit at night, with the lights all turned off and see how many crickets you can hear.

Be with people.

Listen to the sound of their voices lilting, hear their stories, their fears, their hopes, their dreams.

This is as good for leaders, as it is dear friends.

When there is nothing to do.
When you can’t see anyone’s smile.
When it feels like things are beyond comprehension.

Just be still.

And if you notice your own anxiety, or resistance, or grief emerging. Allow it to blossom into tears, into a desire to be held, into feelings deep in your stomach.

Be still with yourself.

Life is a mystery, one more apparent now than usual.
And just like an old detective, sitting quietly and observing the suspects.

Now is a time to be still, to listen, and to notice what you can.

 
by Toku on Mindset

How Is Criticism Is Good For You?


Criticism is one of the hardest things to hear. However, criticism doesn’t have to be all negative. If you able to hear it with mindfulness, criticism can be a chance to see yourself and your ‘criticizer’ on a deeper level.

Criticism >= Stomach Punch?
Recently I was talking with a senior member of my spiritual community. While we were talking my business, the Mindful Fitness Movement, came up.

He expressed concern about how I talked about my time at the monastery. He suggested it was inappropriate to list the 2 years I spent at the monastery on my business website.

The next thing I knew I found myself getting defensive and reactive. What I heard him saying was, “I had no business trying to help anyone at all.”

I was able to explain why I listed the monastery on my site and leave the conversation skillfully.  Still, I left feeling very agitated.

3 Windows Of Criticism
Later after I calmed down I was able to look at what I call the 3 windows of criticism.

1. Their Truth – This is your best guess at what the criticizer is expressing. My best guess was, “Training at the monastery is a sacred tradition. I want to honor that tradition.”

2. My Fear – This is the fear that the criticism triggered.
My fear was, “I’m afraid my spiritual community doesn’t support my work. I’m afraid the person I respect thinks I can’t help people. What if he’s right?”

3. The Value – This can be a shared value or two separate values that each of your is trying to support. The value I saw was, “We both want to honor and support a tradition that helped us find peace and meaning.”

It is hard to hear a person’s values through their criticism. But it’s important to try and see what they care about.  Even if you don’t support how they are trying to meet those values.

MindFitMove Practice:
Think of an occurrence in your recent past where you felt criticized. Then follow the steps below.

1. Write down what you remember the person saying. (Try not to interpret or write assumptions)

2.Write down what your reaction was in words and/or thought. 

3. Write down the feelings that came up for you when they said it.

4. Write down Their Truth, Your Fear, and The Values you were both holding.

Once you have gone through these steps it’s up to you to decide which if any action needs to be taken. Often when we receive criticism our willingness to hear and understand the person is enough to make the difference.

Remember that it’s not about blame. It’s about finding a way forward that honors both of you.

 
by Toku on Skillset

How to Exercise In the Rain – the Whiny Voice

Here in Portland the winter months are coming. The hints are there, the occasional overcast skies, the cooling morning. That means that the rain will soon be here and thus a built in excuse not to get outside and exercise. No matter what part of the country you live in, the weather can be a reason to get out of your workout routine. Partially this is natural. Traditionally changes in activity would be dictated by the conditions, though most weather demanded more effort from our ancestors than we have today. Winter meant getting fire wood to chop, summer may have meant walking and carrying water, spring time planting or hunting, and fall meant harvesting.

In our modern times it is so easy to be comfortable, so little is required of us, physically, to survive. Which is why it is all the more important to stay active in the winter months or whenever the weather is less than ideal. And let’s be honest the weather is often not ideal, unless of course you live somewhere the weather is often ideal (I’m looking at you San Diego), in which case you can skip this post. I’ve decided to write a few posts about how to maintain an exercise routine even when the weather is bad. If you have other ideas please feel free to share them.

The hardest this about exercising in inclement weather, is the hardest thing about ever doing exercise, GETTING STARTED. There are many techniques to work with less than ideal circumstances, here is one of my favorites.

Paying attention to who is talking.
* Scroll down for a note on voice and voice dialog if your not familiar with this concept.

You are supposed to go for a bike ride, but it’s cold and rainy outside. You sit inside staring at the rain and think, ‘ah man it’s going to be so cold a rainy out there, I don’t want to ride my bike, I’ll get all gross and have to wear stupid bulky rain gear.’ Etc.

The first step to working with this part of your mind is to ask, “How old is this whiny voice?” For me the voice is usually about fourteen. I can even imagine that 14 year old saying the above, crossing their arms, and huffing. We often equate ourselves with the little voices or energies in us that resist doing what we know is, ‘the best thing for us.’ This can lead to guilt and to thinking that we are weak, but we aren’t weak, we just have a 14 year old voice living inside of us. There is nothing wrong with that at all, but we have to work with that energy when it arises. When I notice this part of me arise, I   talk to that 14 year old. I might even imagine myself as 14 and  say out loud, “I know that you don’t want to go outside in the rain, but you know that if you do you’ll have a good time. I promise that when we get home, we’ll take a warm shower, and we’ll feel really proud of ourselves.” Does this always work? No. Sometimes the teenager wins and I stay inside and watch TV, but more often then not, when I am aware of that whiny voice and acknowledge it, I can find a wiser part of myself and get out the door.

How old is your whiny voice? Can you visualize yourself at a certain age when it’s up? In what other areas of your life do you hear it?

Next time you find your whiny mind arising, try to talk to it in a gentle way to help get yourself out the door. Remember what worked to motivate you at that age, it might work for this part of yourself now. Yelling at it, criticizing it may work in the short term, but since it’s a part of you, you are better off learning to love and respect it. Try different techniques to work with it and see what gets the most traction.

For extra credit try and notice other voices that arise when you exercise.  Maybe sometimes you have a little internal coach or cheerleader. Maybe you have an internal champion, or perhaps an internal underdog. I’m sure most of us have a critical voice or energy that arises. Paying attention to the parts of ourselves that arise, in exercise and life, can help us know what our mind is up to. We can learn to access the voices and energies that help us and to help the voices that hold us back. No voice or energy is wholly bad, but some are trying to help us in pretty messed up ways. By hearing and working with these parts of ourselves, we gain more knowledge of our mind and more peace in our lives.

Thanks for reading.
Be Well.
Genotku

*A quick note this post talks about different voices or energies that we encounter as part of our being. It is based on the philosophy of voice dialogue which acknowledges that we are all made up of a mixture of different energies and motivations. These voices or energies are what makes us able to play different roles in our lives and move from being at work to being at home. These energies or voices can be discovered and brought forth as a way to understand different aspects of our being. For a list of different selves check out this site- http://www.voicedialogue.com/which_self_are_you.htm

 
by Toku on Skillset

Listening to Language/Limits – 7 Habits

Whenever we do or don’t do something, it is rare that we are compelled or prevented from doing it. In reality we are making a choice of one action, over another.

We do this primarily because: 1. We don’t want to suffer the likely consequences of the choice, or 2. We don’t want to put in the effort to manifest that action in the world. In my last post we discussed language that fell into the first category. In this post I’ll look at the second case.

We often portray ourselves as having some limiting quality, that prevents us from achieving what we want. You might hear someone say, ‘I’m too old to get in shape, ‘ or ‘I’ve tried to lose weight I just can’t do it,’ or maybe ‘I’m too stupid to get a good job.’

In most cases these limiting qualities are our negative self image and talk solidified into some fixed view about what we are capable of. We do this ,as an excuse, to not make the effort it takes to get to where we want to go. It hurts less, in a way, to say ‘I can’t quite smoking,’ instead of ‘I tried to quite smoking, but when it got hard I chose to give it up, because I was unwilling to deal with the discomfort.’ To take responsibility means that we are admitting we made a choice. If we make ourselves the victims, maybe we don’t have to feel bad about our perceived failures.

Changing your life isn’t easy and if you’re serious about it, you are likely to fail in some way before you succeed.

We’ve been told that failing is bad, but failure is the ground that leads to success. I don’t like to fail, but every time I have a perceived failure at a job or a relationship I have moved closer to what I want.

I have gained knowledge about what job I don’t want and how to work more skillfully with a partner. It’s not the mistakes, rather it’s not learning from mistakes that we have to fear. We must be willing to fall short of our aspirations.

We must take responsibility of our choices. If we have any hope of changing, it will be us that manifests that change. No one can manifest change for you, you are the only one who can truly change. That is the burden and the gift of a human life.

In the examples above we can change our language to reflect our ability to choose. We can say, “I’m old so working out is harder than it used to be. I choose not to work out because I don’t like the discomfort it causes. ” or we can say, ‘I’ve tried to lose weight before, but chose to stop, so I’m choosing not to try again right now, because I ‘m afraid I might fail.’

When we read these statements now, we see that the speakers are making a clear choice, which means they could make a different choice. It also reveals the motivation behind their choice. In the first case it’s the discomfort of exercise, in the second it’s the fear of failure.

When we see these choices, we can weigh our options better. For example, for the first speaker maybe not being active is actually causing more discomfort than exercise would cause. Then again maybe not, but until we knowledge the possibilities a serious examination can’t happen.

In the second case, perhaps the fear of diabetes or other health risks is greater than the fear of failure, but if I’m not empowered to make that choice, it’s hard to see that I could actually prevent that from happening. Few things are as inevitable as we perceive.

By reframing the way we think and talk about ourselves and the things in our lives, we gain access to more power and more choice. We can acknowledge when we are limiting ourselves and see other possibilities.

Perhaps the greatest effect that can come from this change is a perception of control. I heard recently that higher level managers suffer from less stress, not because they have less to do, but because they had a greater sense of control.

Notice when you use language that portrays you as weak or that limits your capability. Take some time and reflect on the beliefs that limit what you think you can do. Ask yourself Is this true? Then ask, Is it really true? Finally ask, What if it weren’t true, what would that mean?*

Often the solidity of our beliefs are based solely on the strength we give them. We can use this truth to both bolster the beliefs that empower us, and to deconstruct the ones that hold us back. Fixed ideas lead many of us to suffering.

The world is a variable and changing place and our minds must reflect that or we are doomed to fight against the current of being. By seeing our choice and having a flexible mind, we become more free and more nimble in our response to life’s big and little challenges.

Thanks for reading,
Be Well
Gentoku

*disclaimer – This technique is one I heard somewhere, and is in a book, but I don’t remember what book or who wrote it. But I felt I should acknowledge it didn’t originate with me.

Hey Like My Blog, Have Something to say? Leave a comment below or email me. 
 Know someone who would be helped by reading this blog?
Send it on to them.
THANKS!

 
by Toku on Skillset

Listening to Language / Consequences – 7 Habits

Again just a reminder I am reading the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Steven Covey right now. I am using my blog as a way to take in the material with a mind towards teaching it to others.

There is a part of 7 Habits where Covey talks about listening to our language. Specifically paying close attention to when we use reactive phrases, as opposed to proactive ones. Very often when I talk about fitness or training I hear reactive phrases from people.

When I tell people about training for and racing triathlons, I usually get one or two reactions. Most people say some version of, ‘That’s great, but I could never do something like that,’ or ‘I wish I could do that, but (enter excuse here: I’m too busy, I’ve got a knee injury…).’

Few people acknowledge that they are making a choice not to do triathlons. Now I’m not advocating everyone should do a triathlon (seriously you should though), I’m merely saying in most cases not doing a tri is a choice, rather than the result of some outside force.’

Whenever we do or don’t do something, it is rare that we are compelled or prevented from doing it. In reality we are making a choice of one action, over another.

We do this primarily because: 1. We don’t want to suffer the likely consequences of the choice, or 2. We don’t want to put in the effort to manifest that action in the world. In this post I’ll talk about the first case and I’ll discuss the second case in a later post.

A clear example of the first case can be found in this statement: “I can’t work out in the morning, I have to be at work at 9:00am.” What choices does this statement hide?

For one the choice not to wake earlier before work or the choice to get more sleep. Another would be the choice to be on time to work instead of working out. Another would be the choice to go to work at all, instead of spending time on fitness.

Many of us would think the last choice is a reasonable and prudent one. The choice to keep my job, or to be on time, instead of working out seem like wise ones, but we still choose.

In truth I could choose to lose my job and work out instead. But if I don’t want the consequences of losing a job, then I’d be wise to choose work over working out.  In many instances changing our language wouldn’t mean changing our choice, but it does reveal that we are making a choice.

To use proactive language in the example above, you could say “I choose not to work out in the morning, because I want to get 8 hours of sleep and get to work on time.”

When we read this phrase we can see all the possibilities I’ve overlooked. Maybe I could go to bed earlier, so I can wake up earlier. Maybe I could choose to get less sleep and use the extra time to exercise.

By using reactive language we disempower ourselves. Instead of taking responsibility for our choices we paint ourselves as victims who can’t choose anything else. When we use proactive language we paint ourselves as capable people who are choosing what we want in our lives.

Listen this week to yourself and others, and notice when reactive language is being used. When you catch yourself or others take some time to think about the hidden choices.

How could you restate the some thing and acknowledge the choice involved? When you see those choices can you see other choices you could make?

The Buddha talked about karma starting with thought. Before any volitional unskillful act occurs an unskillful thought must occur first. By listening to our language we can reveal the illusions and delusions in our thoughts.

By taking responsibility for our language we can learn to take responsibility for our lives. Covey talks about this as the ability to choose our response. Change comes from choosing a new response to our lives and language lies at the door to this change.

Thanks for reading,
Be Well

Gentoku

 

Hey! Like my blog? Leave a comment and let me know, or better yet send it to a friend or colleague, or even better do both.

I’m new to this blogging game so any help you can give me is really appreciated. Thanks!