Power

Power crushes those without power
It crushes them to death
And when those without create their own power
Power often finds a way to crush the rest

Power is something that is bestowed
Without reason, rhyme, or cause
We hold it as closely as our skin
And defend it with false entitlement and devotion to our laws

Power without reason invokes in us such guilt
And as we seek to justify, ignore, or blame
Power doesn’t seem care
It uses us the same

Until we gain humility
It treats us like a tool
Unless we see power for what it is
Power makes us all the fool

 

There’s a Fly In My “I”

I think there is an “I” that needs a partner.
And this “I” would like to know who that partner is going to be.
Because if that “I” knows who it’s going to be he can do something about it.
He can dream about it and predict it and imagine what it will be like.
This imagining almost feels a little like having it.

That “I” also gets to keep a hold of itself a bit because he can imagine himself being there too. And then there’s an “I” there in the future.


What happens if he lets go of the I?

Well if there’s no person there then he’ll likely choose a new one, because he likes the fantasy.
Again the fantasy is as close to having the thing as he can get.
It’s better than nothing.

It also means he can speculate and plan which gives the illusion of solidness to what is essentially not solid.

If there is no object he may go back to the past
To memories of other people the “I” was in relationship with.
Again this is as close to being in connection or ‘having’ what this “I” wants.
Also in these fantasies, he’s there and exists and is solid.
So it serves that purpose as well.


If you were to take it all away?

He starts to scramble a bit
He either makes himself hopeless which also creates an “I” for him to hold onto
An old “I” one that is doomed.
But this doomed “I” is still quite solid.
Not pleasant but sort of an anti ideal
Sort of the negative image of the other “I” which is happy and in love and having sex.

Without those things, the “I” doesn’t really know who or what he is which he finds someone disturbing
Or disconcerting to be with

He would rather be in the question of good enough or not
Good practice or not
Get her or not

Because in all of these games there’s an “I”

And of course, wanting to stop the “I” also create an “I” that wants to stop
There’s no way to escape it
But you can notice what it’s doing.

Right now the “I” is thinking about his thoughts
And wondering how clever they are
Mmmm very clever “I”
Now the “I” is amused by it’s “I” ness
Now it’s going to go read something else

 

Terms Of Life

Where are the terms
And how do I come to them?

My father may never know my children
Then again I may never have them

My mother may never know my wife
Then again I may never marry

Am I ready to die?

This question
As I stare at the wall
Trying not to forget my breath

Not do I want to die?
A question that makes no sense

Death doesn’t care
About wanting
Or your children
Or your wife

Am I ready?
In each moment

Can I come to them?
The terms

That life
Without mercy
And little grace
Lays at the foot of the cradle

I choose
now
to grieve

Long before the hospital bed
Or the dinner I sit down to
The one where my life changes
Into the open circle

Am I ready?
Am I ready?
Am I ready?

 

Lineage

I didn’t know it was missing.
These stories about the people who became me.

My great grandmother rang two chickens at a time
One in each hand
Another killed a chicken hawk at 50 yards with a colt 32

My grandfather left his farm on Kansas to go work in a mine
In colorado
There’s a picture of him wearing riding pants
As a joke

He also used to send jokes into Johnny Carson.

My great grandfather went to work as a carpenter
At the age of 14
Because his father died of appendicitis

His son, my grandfather
Loved Orlando so much he annoyed the kids in texas talking about it
He won a school contest
By pretending to be a drunk
And talked about the dangers of alcohol

History is funny like that
Especially the kind you don’t know is missing

It can seem like it might be boring
But when you get into it
It’s like finding a crumpled old twenty
Deep inside the pocket of a coat

It spends just the same

He called his wife “Punkin”
She said “oh pshaw”
“Democrats care about people, republicans care about money”
“There’s fish in there as long as your leg”
“Don’t worry about it son, your mother cried for the whole first year of our marriage”
“If I build it, it stays built”

Another crumpled twenty
Another pocket

I didn’t even know it was something I was missing
Until it came and found me.

 

Talking With Death

Talking With Death

I sit down across from death
we look at each other
A small worm crawls through his empty white eye

  • so what’s you’re deal?

he shrugs at me
everything dies. he says
I mean you know

  • and you make sure that happens?

not really I mean there’s not much to do
it’s just where things end up

it’s not like in cartoons or movies
I’m not walking around stalking people with a scythe
I mostly just wait

But in the grand scheme of things
I don’t actually have to wait that long

  • In the grand scheme of things?

in the grand scheme of things

(pause)

You know a scythe is used to harvest wheat or grain.

  • yeah?

Have you ever done that?

  • No, I haven’t

It’s actually quite boring hard work.

Wars are the hardest
There’s a lot of work then.
But over time even that starts to have a rhythm to it
Like harvesting
Swing swing swing
and the wheat falls

  • You sound sort of bored by it?

He shrugs
I am in a way,

I mean people try to run from me
But where are you going to run?

They try to outlast me
They build towers
Write books
Have children

but from where I sit,
there’s nowhere to run to

  • baby?

Ah, a joke,
I actually like jokes
Makes things go by a bit more lightly

  • So outrunning you is pointless

Well it’s not pointless exactly
I mean you can last a bit more time

It’s probably worth the effort
Because what comes after
Lasts forever

You might as well try
But think of it this way

I’m running an endless ultra marathon
One I was designed to run
And everyone else
Is running the 100-meter dash
over
and over
and over
and over

some of them run faster
some of them trip at the starting block

A few
more recenlty
have made it past the finish line

arms out like they’re flying

but they’re so tired by then
by then they’re happy for the race to end

A lot of people are, who get close to the finish line

  • ( I look down at my hands )

  • Makes sense

  • Do you think the race will get longer?

Science?

  • Yeah science and stuff

It could happen.
It’s happened other places.

  • Other places?

Yeah I mean earth isn’t the only place

  • Of course

The race might become the 200 meter
Maybe even the 1600
But eventually

  • eventually

yeah eventually

From the prospective of an ultramarathoner
even 1600 isn’t that much different

  • hmmm

  • How do you do it?

How do I do it?
You mean the taking?

  • No I mean keep doing it, your work?

Well I mean it’s just what my job is
I am in some ways my job
I wish I could say it means a lot
or has some significance
But it really doesn’t

You all,
You all make it mean a lot

How you trip during the race
The way you run
What your racing kit looks like
Who’s cheering
Who’s yelling for you to stumble

But again from my perspective
It makes little difference

You’re all running super slow
Your kits all start to look the same
Your meanings all seem meaningless
Not that they are

I mean if I was running the 100
I would run fast too
I would want to get as far as I could
I would care about who was cheering

But from my perspective
It doesn’t matter
I’m here
Waiting patiently

And to be honest it never feels
Like I have to wait that long

-(I look down at my hands again)

  • So what am I supposed to do with all that?
  • Or this?

Well I’m not sure.
Some people do seem to be more at peace with it
This whole thing
They smile when they see me
They relax

That does seem slightly better
Better than the terror
Better than the franticness

Again from my perspective, it doesn’t make much difference
But I guess if I had to shoot for something
I might focus on that

I mean the race ends either way

  • Either way?

Either way.

  • ( I start to cry a little )

Well, this is a bit awkward . . .

  • ( I look up )

Hey, it’s ok I’m used to it.
It’s just

I never understand why you all take it so personally
Like I’m here for you
Or like I have some vendetta

remember it’s like harvesting wheat
I’m not picking roses from a garden
And thank god
I mean the thorns
the precision

I’m harvesting wheat
I swing a big blade
Thousands fall
Moment by moment

all of that to say
It’s not personal

  • But it feels that way you know

  • I mean I get it

  • Intellectually
  • I get it

  • But when you’ve got this thing

  • This race
  • These few footsteps
  • You cherish them
  • They matter to you

  • For me, the race seems like it lasts . . .

  • No long enough really
  • But it lasts

  • And you wonder how to use it

  • How to run it well
  • You look back and read stories of how others did
  • It seems like they did so much
  • Their lives rich in love and stories
  • And then you look at your own
  • And you wonder

  • You wonder if it’s worth it

  • What you did
  • What you didn’t
  • The mistakes
  • The memories

  • You sort of can’t help it

  • You grieve for it
  • You wish you knew now
  • What you didn’t’ know before

  • When it seemed

  • At least from over here
  • That you had more time

Yeah

I mean I get it

And to be honest
It doesn’t really matter

To me at least
It matters to you
But perhaps only to you
I mean they all looked at me

In the eye

All the people before
At the end, it’s just me
The worm
them
and that’s it

I know you worry
but what really is there to worry about?

Pain, joy, accomplishment, meaning
For me
in the context of the race you’re running
It doesn’t matter

  • But it does to me

Yeah I get it does to you

And I’m not saying stop
Or don’t care
Or don’t make an effort

There is a gentle nobility in running
But if you can
I you can make peace
If you can be gentle
If you can just
come
to
terms

I think that’s better

Make some meaning
Make some babies
Write some poems

It’s all good

Just remember that from over here

  • ultra marathon?

ultra
fucking
marathon

  • Hm
  • ( I take deeeeeeep breath )
  • Thanks for talking with me death

  • (I start to cry again but more softly)

He smiles at me

  • In that moment
  • I realize death
  • Actually has a very nice smile

Thanks to Matt and Adam who’s conversations partially inspired this post.

 

I’m Inventing A Ritual

I’m inventing a ritual. And I hope that in reading about how I’m doing it, you’ll become more open to inventing a ritual of your own.

Wait Night Date Night

This ritual I’m inventing is called Wait Night Date Night which is a practice I’m taking on as part of my No Woman Vision Quest. Basically I put on nice clothing, buy a flower, and go sit in the parking lot of nice restaurant for an hour and practice waiting.

I got the idea for it after watching a video by my amazing friend Kendro Cunov.

In it, she talks about how women in her No Man Diet program started to notice that they didn’t even have space for an ideal partner to arrive even if they wanted them to.

So they started making room for what they were looking for. They slept on one side of the bed, they fixed a nice dinner and set an extra place setting, and they wrote letters to their future partners.

All as a ritual of creating space for what they wanted.

As I reflected on this practice I felt inspired and began to ask myself: What would the masculine form of this practice look like?

There’s nothing wrong with what these women did, but I wanted to create something of my own. I wanted something that embodied the masculine aspects of presence, patience, and of holding space.

That’s when I came up with the idea for my Wait Night Date Night.

In the past
In the past, I’ve rushed into relationships and I’ve pursued women with unquestioned vigor.

And while I don’t think there’s anything wrong with going after what you want, at times my impatience and unwillingness to wait has led me to make bad choices and ignore obvious signs of things that were unworkable in the long run.

So for me, learning to wait, learning to be in the empty space of possibility, learning to be patient with an open heart is incredibly important.

What is the practice?
For now my practice looks like this: once a week I get ready for a date with my beloved, drive to a restaurant and wait for her.

Not with the idea that she’ll arrive in an hour, or a month, or a year. Not to meditate and be with nothingness Not to reflect on my past relationships. Not to dream and journal about who she’ll be and our lives together.

The practice is to simply wait for her. Waiting is all that’s required.

What was it like?
Last week when I did this practice a lot of things came up for me.

First I was bored. I started to feel sleepy and I even nodded off a few times. But I kept waking myself up. Listening to the birds. Watching the trees move in the breeze.

Then I had memories of past dates with ex partners, I had memories of good times and things I missed. I didn’t push these memories away or invest a lot of time in trying to figure them out. I just let them come and go.

There were moments where I cried, missing and remembering the incredible moments of love and romance I have experienced.

There were moments I felt immense gratitude for these humans that have blessed me with their love and grace.

There were moments where I felt incredibly lonely and hopeless.

There were moments where I was just watching people on the street, moments where I thought about my work, moments where I worried that the people working in the restaurant would think II was a creepy stalker.

After an hour I drove home. I was super tired and also a bit raw.

The ritual was powerful for me.

There was so much about it I didn’t expect and so much I learned. I’m going on my second wait night date night tonight. And I have no idea what will happen, I guess sort of just like a regular date.

The romantic in me
The romantic in me wonders if the woman I create a relationship with next will think it’s magical that I spent several nights waiting for her. I mean it sounds pretty romantic.

But the practitioner in me knows that it’s not about that. What this ritual is about is standing for what I want to create and being willing to be in the space of that stand.

It’s about my willingness to be with my own desire, impatience, boredom, and longing.

If I chose to become a celibate monk for the rest of my life, I think this ritual would have some value, though not because sitting in a car has inherent value.

After all, you might think this is an incredibly dumb thing to do and maybe it is.

It’s powerful because I’m choosing to make it powerful.

This, just like all rituals, is only as powerful as we make them. Only as powerful as we put our whole selves into them and are willing to be curious about what we discover.

My hope is that by reading about my ritual, you’ll be inspired to create your own. Something that speaks to you and invokes what you want to invoke.

Tonight I’ll go and wait. I’ll discover something new. I will be the ritual. And for now, that’s all I need to know.

 

My Project

I’m fucked up. Inherently. But it’s ok because I’m going to fix it.
It’s a project I’ve been working on.

For hmmmmmm 39 years.
Maybe not that long, but it certainly feels like it.

And I’m looking for someone, someone I can save, while also working on this project.

Someone who either

  1. Believes they’re hopelessly fucked up and unlovable
  2. Wants to blame all their fears on me so they don’t have to look at
    their stuff

Ideally, I can find someone who will let me do both.

  • Try to save them even though they are un-saveable while also allowing
    me to make everything my fault.

What I absolutely, unequivocably DO NOT WANT
is someone who finds me incredibly lovable, just as I am.

What I absolutely, unequivocably DO NOT WANT
is someone who loves themselves and doesn’t really need saving.

Because if I find that person I’ll have to give up on my project.
AND I’VE PUT SO MUCH TIME INTO IT ALREADY

I want it to look like I’m saving you so I can feel noble as I subject you to my intense dehumanizing arrogance.

The arrogance that I can fix you and me all at once.
The arrogance that you need fixing and I have the answer.
The arrogance of my significant project that is unfinished and unfinishable.

What’s funny is how un-unique my project is.
What’s funny is how many other people I see with their own version of this project.
What’s funny is that I’ll keep trying to do this project, notice, try to stop, start doing it again, notice, let it go, and start doing it again, notice, and notice, and notice, and notice.

It’s simply noticing ALL THE WAY DOWN ARCHIMEDES.

Today I will remember that I am loveable, amazing, powerful, sexy, and whole and complete lacking nothing.
Today I will remember that I am scared, difficult to be with, a lot to be with, gross, insecure, needy, and walking around with all sorts of dysfunctions and idiosyncrasies.

Today I will remember that I can sit with a gorgeous woman and do nothing.

  • Not get her to like me or avoid wanting her to like me
  • Not try to be clever or avoid a desire to be clever
  • Not try and get her to bed or avoid a desire to get her in bed

I can sit here and do nothing.
Simply be with her.

It’s all on me. Everything is. And nothing is.
There’s nowhere to go and plenty to do.

And I love the me that tangles in the net of samsara again and again.
For after all there’s no other me to love.

 

Why Cool People Are Cool And I Am Not

Recently I’ve been finding myself increasingly boring.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been meditating more, or not dating, or letting go of my entanglements with women, or because of the quarantine. Or maybe it’s because I’ve actually pretty boring all along and I haven’t noticed it.

So Adam Quiney and I decided to write dueling posts on intimacy and boredom. This one’s mine. His is over here –

WHY COOL PEOPLE ARE SO COOL AND I AM NOT Often when we think about being boring it seems like a judgment. Good people, cool people, interesting people aren’t boring. In fact, they are the opposite.

Interesting people are always thinking interesting thoughts, going to cool events, hanging out with interesting people, and having cool conversations about all the interesting thoughts they think and the cool events they’re going to attend.

So we try to be interesting because being boring is bad. But why is it bad?

THE MIND OF A CHILD One of the first things I learned as a preschool teacher was to always give my kids something to do when we stood in line to go to the bathroom or get into the playground.

We sang baby shark, or 5 little ducks, or any number of songs that helped them focus on something other than waiting to do something. Because waiting is boring and bored kids become restless and start hitting each other and crying.

And when we’re honest we see that our own minds are like little kids. Boredom is bad because when we’re bored our minds get restless. We stop being able to avoid what it’s doing and what’s underneath our thinking.

Put me in a line for a few minutes and I’ll think about what I’m doing later, check out the cute barista behind the coffee bar and then try to think of something clever to say. (Recently I’ve been noticing the alarming amount of mental capacity I’ve devoted to finding something clever to say to women)

I will do almost anything to stop myself from being intimate with what is happening. Because I don’t like what shows up.

When I slow down, I feel the depth of rush I can live in from time to time, my loneliness, my heartbreak and longing, my fear and anxiety, and everything else that lurks in the shadows.

When I get present, I feel the people around me. Their deep desire to love, be seen, and be understood. And the tremendous gap many of them feel but operate on top of.

Sure I have my zen moments. Breathtaking sounds of a bird. The simple curves of steam rising from a cup. yadda yadda…

But mixed in with all that magic is my own sweet suffering. No wonder I don’t want to be intimate with all of that.

I’M SO BORING The more I watch myself, the more I see how boring I truly am. How the same obsessive thoughts, the same cycle of desire and fantasy, the same tragedies, the same dreams of freedom, play over and over again in my mind.

The more I see all of this, the more I’m asked to love myself. Not as the incredibly interesting, funny, wise, confident, brilliant, loving man I want the world to see. But rather as the arrogant, needy, horny, bored, frustrated, tantrum-throwing man, I would rather wish I could shuffle off.

BOREDOM BREEDS HUMILITY Being intimate with yourself is extremely challenging. Because you don’t simply see what you curate for the world, you see all of you. And you either like it or you don’t.

As TS Eliot says

“The only wisdom we can hope to acquire Is the wisdom of humility: humility is endless.”

Being intimate with yourself is incredibly humbling. Which is why most of us would prefer to avoid it entirely.

 

Boundaries, Love, And Why I Blocked My Ex On Facebook Part 2

This is part 2 of a 2 part post read post one here
http://unexecutive.com/boundaries-love-blocked-ex-facebook-part-1

In my last post I talked about boundaries and why I decided to block my ex on Facebook. What happened was that she posted a new photo and I got spun out. I asked myself why was I doing this to myself?

And I ended up wondering why I didn’t trust my ex to handle me choosing to block her.

So now for part 2 . . .

————

Why didn’t I trust her?

Sure there were moments where I thought she wasn’t fair to me. Sure, I worry about how she’ll paint our relationship when she talks about it, but generally, I experienced her as a kind and loving person.

She cherished me and let me go. I wanted to cherish her and let her go as well.

I realized that if I trusted her to take care of herself and to feel the love I had as I set my boundaries, there really wasn’t anything to be scared of. I could block her on Facebook, and she would figure out I did it because I loved her and myself. Because I trusted her to be at peace with my choice and what was right with me.

And this is the 2nd lesson I learned about boundaries:

LESSON #2 – YOU DON’T JUST SET BOUNDARIES WHEN YOU DON’T TRUST SOMEONE ELSE. YOU SET BOUNDARIES WHEN YOU CHOOSE TO TRUST SOMEONE FULLY, IMPLICITLY, AND WITH LOVE

When you trust someone, to take care of themselves, to be with your no, to find peace inside themselves, to be complete, to love you, setting boundaries is easy. For most of my life, I didn’t’ set boundaries because I was afraid I’d be rejected and abandoned.

I thought the fewer boundaries, the better. And when I did set boundaries, they often had a flavor of anger, push back, or spite. But this process has slowly taught me that offering a boundary to someone you care about, perhaps even without explanation, is one of the most powerful gestures of trust you can offer.

In truth, I have no idea how my former partner will take me blocking her. It’s at least 6 months before we can connect again. She may have or be thinking all of the things I was scared of. She may not even notice I blocked her at all.

But the choice felt right to me.

I want to get back to where I can be truly happy for her. Where I can see her radiant on Facebook and be so grateful she shared that radiance with me. Where I can see her with someone else and know that she’s created new love in part from the lessons of love we learned from one another.

I know my next partner will have a lot to thank her for.

And I know that blocking her now. Allowing that little jolt to fade, giving myself the space to be alone, to find joy in solitude and singleness, will help me get there.

I trust her. To walk her own path. And to find a way to honor the path we walked together. And I trust myself. To set boundaries and discover what those boundaries are here to teach me.

FINAL THOUGHTS

My wish for you as you read this is that you find a way to practice with your own sacred boundaries. To offer them as a gift to those you love, even when they don’t totally understand, even when you don’t ‘think you need them.’

The practice of boundaries can be like this, not aggressive or aversive, but loving and kind in so many ways.

 

You Don’t Need A More Productive Way To Produce Suffering

Dear Future Client,

You became a coach because you thought in some way it was the answer. Maybe at this point, you don’t even remember what the question was anymore.

For me, the question was about finding purpose in life, doing work that mattered, having a sense of freedom, and making enough money so my father would be proud of me (despite the fact that he says he proud of me all the time) (But I may be luckier than you in that).

And yet here you are, a few months or years into your coaching journey and you still haven’t arrived yet. Maybe you make the $10k months every Facebook group I get invited to raves about, or maybe you’re close, maybe you even make more than that.

And yet you haven’t arrived. You don’t feel free. You don’t feel successful. You keep looking over your own Facebook wall into someone else’s life who seems to have it sorted out. Maybe you even think I have it all sorted out.

You portray an image of success that covers over a subtle form of self-doubt. You don’t really know if you’re a good coach. You find yourself frustrated with your clients. Tired after a day of sessions. Feeling both free to do incredible work and trapped by the incredible work you do.

So you go out and hire someone to improve your deal flow, to get you more clients on linked in, promote your product to a broader audience, and help you with Facebook ads.

But the truth is you don’t need a more efficient way to produce suffering. You don’t need a better system to help you find again what you’ve already found.

Please stop hiring experts and gurus and people who have the answers.

Instead, it’s time to look at the very heart of why you suffer. To discover the parts of yourself you’ve stepped over on the way to success.

Sure I can help you get better at sales, sure I can help you figure out how to hire a better assistant, sure I can help you develop some basic systems to put your attention more on what you want to do.

But all of these things require you to let go of who you think you are as a coach and entrepreneur. They mean flying in the face of the scrappy do it yourself, figure it out, hire it out identity.

That’s something they never tell you about, the existential crises of being an entrepreneur.

So when you’re ready, I’m here. When you’re ready to let go of a more productive way to produce suffering and find the leader inside of you, the one who can create something truly unique to the world.

When you’re ready to stop looking for answers and find yourself instead. I’d love to talk to you.

Not because I have any answers, but because I love looking. With people who are committed to curiosity.

Love, Toku